As I have previously mentioned I haven’t been feeling tip top of late. My creativity has been somewhat lacking for which i apologise. When you feel & look deplorable dressing up & trying to take exciting blog shots isn’t high on your list of favoured activities. However, I do really enjoy blogging and I believe it has boosted me towards my body acceptance goals, so I am determined to try harder. Even if I have to start to showcasing my pajama choices, I will be showing my looks.
One of the side effects of my ill health has been weight loss. In the past I would probably have been ecastic with this development. I have certainly done some crazy things in my previous attempts to lose weight, but alas, I am not rejoicing. I have been on the larger side for most of my adult life. I have lost significant amounts of weight on a number of occasions, but never managed to maintain a more svelte physic. I battled long and hard with my body image, in the last year or so, I had begun to feel that I was on the road to winning my own personal body war. I realised I could be fantastic and fat. The only person who was ever really holding me back was me.
This ephinay was the spark that brought this blog to life. I forced myself to be photographed, to display those images and more importantly, to be proud of them. It would not be overstating to say that I it has been a life changing discovery. I’ve grown from a person who cringed at her naked body in the mirror to one who is considering modelling naked for a feminist art project. I have embraced me; flab, scars, stretch marks, droopy boobs & all.
So, here I am, finally reaching contentment with my plus size body when it decides (without consulting me) that it will shrink. I have never lost weight before without being on a deliberate & strict diet. In my dieting days watching those pounds fall away was a joyful experience. Now it is deeply unsettling. I fear the lack of control & am obviously not enjoying the condition that is facilitating the reduction. To be honest, I am at a loss. I have no idea when this loss will stop or how i will look when it does. The truth is i am a little frightened of losing my fat identity. Shock, horror, I don’t think I want to be thin.
I realise I have failed in this post to come to any conclusion, which very much reflects how I feel at the moment. I just wanted to talk a little about what was going on with me. I suppose i also felt i needed the asert the fact that i am not consciously changing myself. It is import to me that woman can believe in body positivity. Everyone can discover how wonderful their body is. I am not turning my back on my fat self, my confidence & pride in my large, curvy form are real. Perhaps this is just an unexpected turn in the journey to self love.