Just the way I’m feeling…

A few Fridays ago, in search of positive distraction I did what I usually do when I need a pick me up, spent time with a little one. Specifically my baby nephew. He’s on the verge of turning one so my sis & I thought it was time he checked out the science centre.

The boy loved being able to crawl around and touch everything. Obviously he didn’t understand them, but he still enjoyed playing with the exhibits. I of course was right in thinking my joyful little man would lift my mood & my sister loved everything her boy does. Thus, a successful day out was had.

I was hoping that looking like a functioning human being would help me feel like one. I’m not sure it really worked, but I did like this outfit. Perhaps it’ll work some magic me on me another day.

ly h Kerr mirror selfie

Dress – Boohoo

Tights – Snag Tights

A simple black shirt dress is perfect for pairing with brights tights (& accessories). I am a new devotee of snag tights; they fit perfectly, don’t fall down & look lush. The dress is less perfect. I had to add a vest as the buttons over my bust gaped terribly. I had already sized up and if I go up again to accommodate my boobs it will be too big everywhere else. I always say size with up Boohoo, but to be honest I’m getting a bit sick of their crap sizing. I’m a 20/22 everywhere, but struggle to get into a lot of Boohoo 24s. That’s not good enough. Sort it out.

A few years ago when my niece was home from Australia we took a picture in the big mirror wall at the science centre. It was a cracker. We clearly had to get one with the boy. It’s another beauty. I just need one with my middle nephew and I’ll have the full set!

Family mirror selfie

Unfinished sympathy…

I feel stupid. There’s a voice in my head screaming, of course this is how it ends. I always had this outcome looming over me. And yet, a little bit of me believed. Or almost did. I couldn’t quite dampen the excitement. That rhythmic thud caused an inextinguishable spark.

I did have reason to hope. Everything looked good. Measured up right. I felt different. So many things I hadn’t experienced before. Surely all the different symptoms could point to a different ending? I thought that might be a reasonable conclusion to draw. I was wrong.

ly h Kerr bump

I feel everything and nothing at once. I should know exactly how to do this, but I cannot comprehend how to navigate this path again. Now there’s the agony and the blood and after that there is just nihility. A black hole waiting to swallow me up.

Can I fill another void? Pick myself up. Pretend I’m whole. I don’t know how to scrub from my mind the image of another lifeless fragment of me. I will never decipher how I reconcile all the guilt and death with getting up each day and living my life.