I have an app that is designed to monitor symptoms of chronic illness. I wear a monitor on my wrist to check my heart rate, oxygen level, quality of sleep etc. It’s helpful. It warns me when my vital stats are out of sink. It records my heart rate variation, which is a big indicator of how well my body is coping. It has also been good to have an accurate idea of how much sleep I am getting (not much). You can rate symptoms every day and compare over time how various issues are affecting you. Overall, would recommend the app.
There’s just one thing that gets me down. The final thing that is recorded daily is ‘crash’. Basically, did I run out steam that day. Sadly, the answer is yes. Sometimes my energy tank is empty before reaching the dat’s destination. Other times pain takes me out. Others, still,I get too dizzy to continue. Lucky me, some days it’s a combination of all three. Of course this means that I rarely accomplish what I wanted (or needed) to. It frustrating and depressing and often really destructive. Constantly saying ‘I can’t’ wreaks havoc with every aspect of life. Be it personal or professional, I’m letting people down and it kills me. The guilt is enormous. As is the disappointment. I’m ambitious; my head is crammed with ideas and I had a very different life planned. Not being able to execute my plans in a grand or minute way is heartbreaking.
That’s the thing about chronic illness, it breaks your heart and you just have to carry on. I’m continually having to find a different way to operate. My lists of can’ts is forever growing and changing, thus I must be flexible. I’m working with a different set of tools and I try to remember that. However, always ticking that box is a daily downer, which happens to be another intrinsic part of being chronically ill. It’s not often that the big things floor me. The huge issues pull all your focus into jus getting through it. It’s an hour by hour what needs to happen to come out the other side of this. There’s no time for dissecting. It’s the drip drip of daily symptoms that really torture me. The dreaded realisation that this thing is here to stay, that’s what fucks me up.
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I’m in the midst of mega bout of insomnia. I don’t love it. My brain is extra foggy and my productivity is questionable. However my ability to make many outfits from a few items of clothes remains stellar.
I like my clothes and I like having fun with them. It also makes my life easier if I just switch out a few bits rather than do a whole new outfit every day. January is cold and dark, so it needs an injection of colour. Enter bright yellow.
Dress – Simply Be Top – Taking Shape
I wanted to wear this sheer yellow top. I also wanted to comfy and cosy. I just layered it up. I started with this stretchy maxi. For me, leopard in a neutral, so I wear it with everything
Skirt – Lindy Bop Vest – M&S Cardi – Asos
When I needed to look a bit more put together I went for this graphic swing skirt. I love this skirt because it always makes me feel nice. It has a lovely swish to it. You can’t feel bad when you’re swishing around.
Dress – Pink Clove
Finally I combatted my insanely swollen Pcos tum with this bronze slip dress. It doesn’t put any pressure on my stomach. Comfort box ticked. I also love the clash of the metallic with the brights. Probably not for everyone, but a big yes for me.
I am a prolific outfit repeater. Clothes aren’t meant to be disposable. Doing a little mix & match is fun. It helps me get the most out of my wardrobe & saves me some spoons along the way. It’s win, win, win.
If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.
In January I usually write something in answer to all the ‘New Year, New Me’ noise. This year I find myself exhausted that it’s still so loud. I genuinely don’t understand how the diet industry, fitness hacks & self help scammers still have such a hold on people.
I’m pretty sure almost everyone is aware that New Year’s resolutions are ineffective. January 1st is just an arbitrary line in the sand. You aren’t more likely to break a habit or change behaviour because it’s a new year. In fact, given how meh January is we’re probably less likely to manage big changes. That’s before we even start on the things folk are dying for us change. Lose weight, tone it up, don’t eat that, hustle harder, conform! The only thing that changes is the spin the charlatans put on it. I just don’t understand why so many people are still falling for it. Shrinking your body won’t shrink your problems. There are no good or bad foods. Your value is not measured by your productivity. No arsehole in a sports bra or with the a podcast can fix your life.
The frustrating part is, deep down, I believe people know that. Which to me, means that everyone hawking their miracle cure are exploiting the vulnerable. They purposely target this shit at people who are grasping for answers. It’s a scam. The diet industry, the fitness bros & self help gurus don’t have the answer. And they know it.
If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.
I’ve had a really wonderful Christmas. Gorgeous people, gorgeous gifts, gorgeous food. Of course, gorgeous outfits.
This time year screams velvet in rich colours. So, I started off my festive looks with this dark green wrap dress. I adore how this dress looks fancy and whilst being incredibly easy to wear. I just fling it on & hey presto, I look done up.
Dress – Curve Soul*
No Christmas outfit would be complete without some xmassy nails. I kicked off the festive manicures with these little snowy trees.
And this weather calls for the warmest & cutest teddy bear coat. It makes every outfit fancy. Tartan always gives me warm feel, paired with some holly you get cosy Christmas.
Coat – Marks & Spencer
I stuck with velvet, but upped the richness with this dress. The deep gold is dreamy. I teamed it with some of my beloved Snags and felt fantastic.
Dress – Glamorous
My family always dress up for Christmas Day. We’re usually at one of our homes, but we go all out anyway. This year for the big day I opted for this incredible Lindy Bop dress. I bought it for my brother’s wedding and it has been tragically under worn since. I really don’t know why I haven’t worn it more because it is fabulous.
Dress – Lindy Bop Shrug – Monsoon
My final Christmas nails were a glittery ode to the season. Half candy cane & half follow that star. I love them.
I had a really wonderful Christmas. I hope you all had a Merry time too.
* – Previously gifted.
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December is here, which means it’s time to get festive. I love Christmas time. It’s cosy and pretty and so much fun for the littles. It is also the time for giving.
I always feel very grateful at this time of year. I have a loving circle of friends and family to celebrate with. I will exchange gifts & decorate my warm home. I’ll indulge in yummy festive treats and watch the kids in my life enjoy the seasonal magic. I am incredibly lucky to be in such a safe & comfortable position. I’m not wealthy, but I have a little to spare and I will be sharing that extra.
Refuge provide support from women and children experiencing domestic abuse. Often those fleeing abuse must leave everything behind. You can fund a variety of parcels ranging from essentials to gift that will bring a little Xmas joy.
Willow Animal Santuary run a ‘cat hotel’ that specialises in homing cats that have been unable to find a safe home elsewhere. Cats who are not house trained, have psychological issues or are feral. Often cats like this are abandoned or euthanised. Willow allows them to live their lives in safety and comfort. Willow also provides sanctuary for farm animals. They have a strict no kill policy and cultivate the most loving environment for animals who may have led difficult lives. If you can, please help the animals in their care continue to thrive.
Glasgow’s Spirit of Christmas is an excellent resource for donating to local charities. They host tonnes of Glasgow based organisations and details what each needs. You can select the kind of gift and recipient you would like to donate to. There are lots of groups facilitating present buying for kids who might otherwise receive nothing. The idea of a child being excluded for the joy of discovering that ‘Santa has been’ breaks my heart. Charities like this allow us to be a tiny part of the Christmas magic. That feels like an enormous privilege.
Renew Roots are providers of direct aid in Gaza. They are currently supporting 137 families. Their aim is feed, educate, offer support to families who have lost everything. Despite the ‘ceasefire’ attacks and blockades are ongoing. Please give whatever you can.
Pain is a curious beast. Its purpose is to protect us. Our own built in warning system; something that compels us to take our hand out of the fire or call a doctor. The whole point of pain is to give us a message that we don’t ignore. That is until something goes wrong. Then ignoring pain becomes your life mission.
Chronic pain is impossible to accurately describe. If you haven’t experienced it, you can never understand. All our lives we’re taught to report pain. The expectation being that you find the problem and there will be a solution. You graze your knee, your mum puts germolene on & kisses it better. You break a bone, you get a cast & it heals. Now with vigilance we can even hope to survive life threatening illness. We are a society awash with information; what foods we should eat, how often & how to move our bodies, how much sleep, water, sunlight are optimal. Our collective consciousness is set to believe that if we do the right things we can prevent illness and if something still goes wrong we can fix it. When that doesn’t happen, you’re stuck in a void. Physically, you are ill, but psychologically you must find a way to override it.
I am awoken most mornings by pain. I average about 4hrs sleep and rising from my bed is a fainting hazard. Every step I take hurts. My digestive system is best described as erratic and my autonomic processes are haywire. Thus I spend my days dizzy, sore, nauseated, exhausted and unable to regulate my temperature. That combination would bring most people to a standstill. You’d call the Dr, take the day off and you’d be right. But it’s everyday for me and Drs can’t help. I can’t ‘call in sick’ from life. I’m left with the challenge of learning how to turn off my body’s alarm system.
Unfortunately, you can’t. It isn’t possible to stop the pain. Chronically ill people just have to do it anyway. The only alternative to missing my entire life is to do as much as I can despite the pain. It takes a lot of work to rewire one’s natural responses. Then even more work to decipher how far you can push. A huge amount of planning is involved. There are calculations required for every single thing I want to do. Firstly the practical:
I always try to schedule my days. I estimate in advance how much impact each activity will have on my body. Then aportion rest days accordingly. Not just big days, but daily essentials like housework or showering. I attempt to judge how much I can handle and how long a recovery period I will require.
The next step is planning. Before I go anywhere I check various things. Will there be places I can sit down, do they have disabled toilets, can I access water & food I can eat? Then I figure out my condition that particular day. Is my stomach behaving? Will it be safe to eat when I am out or am I likely to vomit. Am I especially dizzy? How safe is the location if I faint? Can I physically manage the walking distances involved? And so on and so forth.
The last stage of practicalities is symptom management. Medication selection, will I require more than meds for pain relief, do I need to take food or water. What clothes will keep me most comfortable? Items that won’t increase pain, will be cool enough if I overheat, but easy to carry layers to guard against the cold if necessary. Maybe I need cooling spray or my tens machine. How many of these things can I actually carry? All must be weighed up before I step foot out of the house.
Preparations complete, now comes the really tricky bit. It’s time to manage my mind. This part is entirely in my hands. There are no guaranteed techniques. One can see pain specialists, psychologists and research til the cows come home, but you can only know what works via trial and error. One of my conditions, Fibromyalgia, impacts the way the central nervous system processes pain. Sometimes my nerves send pain signals to my brain that are way out of proportion. I can have pain anywhere or everywhere for no discernible reason. The only way to function is to override that pain. I can’t stop feeling it, but I can attempt to alter how I react to it.
My first line of defence is what I call ‘mind over matter’. I focus only on the very next thing to be done. Nothing else exists. For example, I must get to the seat up ahead. I don’t think about which parts of me hurt. No lingering on the sensations I am experiencing. I do not consider what comes after the seat. I keep my eyes on my target, keep moving and tell myself I can rest when the task is complete. This theory can be applied to anything. Brush my teeth, finish the paragraph, get to the end of the driveway. The reward of rest awaits me.
In bouts of extreme pain I opt for deception. When I have tried every pain relief method at my disposal to no avail, I lie to myself. I close my eyes and repeat ‘I’m ok’. It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it can con my body out of panic. Panic makes pain worse. The body tenses & heart races. Calmly telling myself that I am ok repeatedly can override the fear coursing through my body. The pain may be unbearable, but I won’t stop the repetition. I will bear it.
Distraction can be of use in various forms. Really loud music is a rudimentary diversion. As is cold water/ice or projected light. Basically I bombard my brain with stimuli in the hope of distracting from the pain. It’s a trick, sometimes it offers temporary relief. My other interruption tactic requires the help of others. I need someone to talk to me. A steady stream of words without my participation. Don’t ask me questions or wait for a response, simply give me a voice & a narrative to focus on. I’m not sure why but it has a calming effect. I don’t take in everything that is being said. I merely zone in on the voice and try not to think about anything else. It doesn’t stop the pain, but it somehow helps me manage it.
My last ditch effort is comparison. I recall a time when my pain was worse. I remind myself that I got through that. The pain did eventually end. If it passed before, it will pass now. I endeavour to remember all the details. Where I was, what I wore, the smells, sounds, what my eyes rested on, the sensations of needles piercing my skin, the names of medical professionals, were they kind or rude, how long I waited, did I lie down and every other particular. Eventually, reaching the point when the agony began to subside. I strive with all my might to recollect that sensation; the incredible relief of pain beginning to melt. I hold tight to the belief that it will come again.
And there you have it, the tools in my box. Of course none of them actually leave me pain free and they’re all exhausting. It takes enormous energy to pre-empt every move and even more to employ these strategies whilst already in pain. At the worst moments they don’t have any impact at all. There are times when my body is excruciating. The pain so all encompassing that there is no escape. On those days I am beaten. I stay still and hope for it to be over. That’s the real truth of chronic pain; there’s no getting away from it.
If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.
Despite now having approximately 5 million pairs of glasses, there are still always quirky new style that catch my attention. Luckily for me Firmoo*have very kindly sent me the ones I had my eye on.
First up these prefect sunnies. Since I need prescription sunglasses I often get fed up changing from regular to sunglasses when I go from out to inside. Enter these magnetic frames. They come with various shades that click on right into my regular specs. I took them on holiday & they were so convenient. Bonus points for them being the a huge hit with my niblings; they adore playing with the magnetic shades.
Since I had a really late holiday, when I returned it was already spooky season. To get into mood I have been wearing these devilish little specs.
Finally I picked something a little different for me. I just liked all the colours and the shape on the frames. They’re give my big auntie vibes.
I’m doing well. I really am. When I compare with my previous self there is no doubt that I’m in a much better place. Still, no matter how well I become, the devil on my shoulder remains.
That devil is destruction. Self destruction. Sometimes just flashes; a momentary thought of blood or blades. Other times I experience the deepest longing to ravage my skin. My reaction to pain is still, more often that I would like, the desire for more pain. Not the same kind of pain. A pain I can control. I have worked at working myself out. Learning healthy coping strategies, questioning myself, pinning down what I feel and why have been an ongoing process for decades. I am better. I haven’t self harmed in a very long time. I still want to, though.
Not everyday. Not in the compulsive ‘can’t think about anything else until it is done way’. I don’t berate myself for not cutting or create a mandatory timetable. That is gone. I have conquered that aspect of my demon. My problem is, the underlying urge never really goes away. In times of trouble my mind thinks it knows what will ‘help’. I suppose it’s like being an alcoholic. There will always be days when one really wants a drink, except in my case it’s a scalpel, not a bottle I want to reach for. The weird bit is that these thoughts aren’t reserved for awful days. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, a wave of craving will hit me. Honestly, my toolbox isn’t particularly helpful in those instances. It is very difficult to reason with a nonsensical ghost in your head. I’m left with sheer determination & an awareness of how slippery the slope is.
Strangely, I rarely hear anyone talk about this. There is much discussion about the warning signs for self harm, the damage it causes and how to stop. There is even information on how to treat wounds and hide scars. It’s all very much a before and after narrative. People are sick and then they recover. As I’m sure you’re aware, very few things are ever that simple. We generally understand the complex nature of addiction and mental illness. For example, much work has been done to educate people on eating disorders. Most people know how difficult they are to manage and recover from. It’s generally understood that people are not concretely cured. It is a process that involves relapses and continuous effort. Disordered eating becomes compulsive and corrupts thought patterns. Often nothing is as important as maintaining the disease. Likewise substance abuse takes over a person. The priority becomes obtaining the substance of choice. Whilst no one thinks that’s good or healthy, we do understand that people don’t want to be controlled by an illness. These are topics that are commonly discussed; we have compassion and celebrate those who have worked towards recovery. Not so for self harm.
Self harm is still taboo. There isn’t really any mainstream discourse of its realities. No one is making serious documentaries or accurate media portrayals. Celebrities aren’t telling stories of how they won their battle with self harm in the way they regularly do regarding addiction, eating disorders or issues like anxiety. The latter are viewed as brave and inspiring, self harm is still seen as disturbing. Even talk of relapse or the ongoing nature of recovery are received positively, but discussions like I had above is very much in the ‘crazy’ category for most. Despite the fact that statistics show the prevalence of ED & SH are fairly similar and that they share many commonalities, the public perception is very different. Even years into ‘recovery’ it frustrates me. The stigma sticks. I can carry the weight of other people’s judgement now. That wasn’t always the case and it won’t be for many still in the throes of illness. The fear of the judgement creates an impediment to seeking help. That delay is extremely dangerous. So, yes, I’m still talking about this because hardly anyone else is. I don’t believe people get better in silence and I think it helps to be prepared for what better might actually look like.
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I gave you a brief introduction to my beautiful ginger boy a few months back. Now that we’ve had time to get to know each other I wanted share all the details. Plus tell you about the awesome organisation who brought us together.
I feel extremely lucky to have found this boy. He is a dream cat who has settled right in. When he arrived he had been an indoor cat for quite a while. He was curious about outside, but a little scared. Within weeks he had gone from not venturing past the doorstep, to using the catflap to come and go as he pleased. He loves to patrol his garden and make sure no other cats even think about entering. I also instigated a name change. I wasn’t sure if he would take to a new name, but after a few weeks he was happily responding to his new moniker. Since he is orange like Irn Bru, I have named him Bru. It suits him to a tee.
Bru is a snuggler. He climbs right up on my chest for cuddles complete with possessive little head buts. It is incredible to have won his trust so quickly. He has of course stolen my heart. Bru has also claimed his spots; window sill for optimal observation, top of the wardrobe for being king of his castle and right beside or on me when he’s ready for head rubs. He does occasionally exhibit the trademark ginger cat traits. For instance he frequently fall off his perch whilst sleeping. Mostly though, he is as sharp as his claws. He learns fast and adapts smoothly. I’m so proud of him.
As much as he is a love bug, he is crazy strong. He moves with speed, leaps great heights with ease and when he wants a cuddle, he is getting a cuddle. He needs a big fuss when I get out of bed in the morning and whenever I leave the house. He has taken to following me outside and demanding some love at the end of the drive. He hates it when I have a shower or bath. He sits right by bath and screams out his concern until I get out. Then he follows me around as I get dried, dressed etc just to make sure the drenching has damaged me. Bru is a sweetheart and I adore him.
Now, how did I get to be his Mum? That’s thanks to Glasgow Pet Collective. An amazing charity who not only find home for animals who need them they also help people keep their beloved pets. Their inclusive policies are a breath of fresh air. I cannot recommend them enough. I fostered to adopt with Bru, it was very straightforward. The first few weeks that I had him in my care I was officially fostering. Glasgow Pet Collective took care of cost of neuturing and vaccinations and I kept them updated on Bru’s progress. Communication was fantastic and as they knew I wanted to adopt we moved towards that. I signed the papers and became his Mama after about a month. I really appreciate that the collective support foster parents and ensure all adoptees are properly placed.
If you would like to support Glasgow Pet Collective’s work you can donate, foster or volunteer.
It occurred to me that there had been an outfit drought this summer. I decided I must correct that error with a bountiful summer style post.
I have searched long and hard for the perfect pair of denim shorts. I am so happy to have finally found them. Of course they’re leopard print. Eveything is better in leopard. I call this outfit ‘the ladybird’ because that is what my little nephew told me I looked like.
Shorts – Simply Be Polka Dot Top – Daisy Street Sunglasses – Where Light
Next up is this amazing tie dye jumpsuit. It is going to be perfect for my upcoming holiday. It’s super light and floaty. Also great for unpredictable Glasgow weather with just a little layering.
Jumpsuit – Freestyle T -Shirt – Curated By Girls
This red top another one waiting for my holiday. It’s actually part of a co ord, it has adorable matching shorts. I wasn’t going to let it languish in a drawer until then. It pairs well with so many things, but since I love red and leopard this has been my favourite combo. I don’t often flash the belly, but I love this look.
Skirt – House of Frasers Blouse – Simply Be
Sheer has been the theme of my summer. We have had so many crazy hot days that my peely wally skin has needed to be covered, but also breathe. This sheer t shirt has been a go to. This little skirt with built in shorts has also been a lifesaver. Great for the hot weather, but allows me to wrangle little ones without flashing.
Skirt – Halara T-Shirt – Boohoo
Last, but not least is this dreamy dress. A girl can’t help but feel lovely when draped in this starry night creation. It’s originally from a dreaded ff purveyor, but I got it second hand. I feel better about it being on my body than in landfill.
Dress – Thrifted
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Something in the way she moves... 
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