Those who trespass against us…

Were you taught to forgive & forget? I think forgiveness is a virtue that most children are encouraged to embrace. If like me you went to a Catholic (or any domination) school you likely had whole lessons on it. Parables, examples of Jesus forgiving all sorts of bad behaviour and even the big man himself wiping the slate clean a plenty. Forgiveness was a given.

White stone with words ‘I forgive you’ lying on sand

That all feels fairly reasonable as a kid. I bought into forgiveness being the decent thing. Then of course you get older. The stakes get a little higher. The religious teaching no longer hold sway and the concept of forgiving becomes very different. It is much harder to offer absolution to people who do terrible things & cause real harm. It gets complicated. Do we forgive people who never genuinely apologise? What about those who repeat the bad? And what about the whole forgetting part? Is it wise to wipe our memories of knowledge that may well protect us in the future?

Then there are the people who will tell you that forgiveness is solely about you. You forgive the trespasses, no matter how bad because it’s how you heal. Not forgiving is carrying the toxicity with you. Many times I hear supposedly wise folk advise that forgiving someone doesn’t mean what they did was ok. We do it for our own health. We can forgive and walk away. The key to our own peace is in the forgiveness.

None of that has ever made sense to me. If you remove the ‘what would Jesus do’ element (which I very much do), surely we offer pardons voluntarily? If we don’t feel remotely forgiving, why should we force it? To me, forgiveness is a two person activity. First of all, someone has to be sorry to even qualify. Secondly, they have to actually take steps to do better. Without these factors forgiveness is meaningless.

I don’t buy the forgiveness is for me spin either. It’s entirely possible to remove someone from your life without forgiving them. A person can move on without forgiving. People who hurt us don’t necessarily have to play a part in our healing journey. They don’t have to factor in our future lives at all. I do not believe that forcing myself to absolve a person I do not consider deserving of that mercy will bring anyone peace. If it feels right, it’s probably right. On the other hand, there are things in life that are unforgivable. That’s ok.

You don’t need my (or anyone else’s) permission, but if no one else has ever said it, please know you do not have to forgive. You can carry on, fix anything that person damaged, learn whatever lessons the issue presents and live a lovely life. I’ve done it. I have judged the actions of someone I once loved unforgivable. I won’t ever forgive that person. They did a heinous thing. They never offered me a satisfactory apology. Never made any effort to correct their behaviour. My refusal to discharge their wrongs hasn’t hampered me in any way. I removed them from my life. I had therapy. I had time. I took note of the signs I missed, the acts I accepted and I moved on. I don’t feel anything at all about that person now. I rarely think of them. When they occasionally come up in conjunction with other things I am unbothered. I’m good.

View of sea and cliffs off mull

Forgiveness is optional. It can’t be demanded or guilted from you. Choosing not to forgive is valid. It won’t make you bitter or stunt your healing. You are allowed to build a healthy and happy life on your terms. Never mind JC. Ask yourself what you want and do that.

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My week in pictures…

The sun is out and I have a had a nice week. Here is what is have been up to.

I had a lovely time with some of my little ones. Everyone was feeling snuggly this week, so auntie ly got all the cuddles.

ly is cuddling baby twins and a four year old

The wildflowers I have planted have come out in force this year and they make me so happy. I have these beautiful Marguerites at my front door that make me smile every time I leave the house. Bees appear to love them and this week ladybirds were also enjoying my blooms.

Marguerites and pink flower bud surrouned by greenery d

On Thursday I met my very favourite man for drinks and some chat. It was crazy hot in Glasgow so I opted for a super floaty and light outfit. It was nice to be out and having some adult conversation. Much fun was had.

ly is standing with one hand on hip wearing sheer black maxi dress
Dress – Primark
Kimono – Simple Be

Unfortunately my body rebelled and Friday was a festival of pain. It’s looking like a weekend of rest and recovery. I hate that there is always a price to pay, but I still really cherish the days I get to do lovely things.

Black and white cat stretched out asleep on a purple sofa
Bronan approves of the plan to rest.

Nails done…

What do I do when I feel crap all the time? My nails!

Absolutely love this deep red colour. I fell in love with Chanel Rouge Noir many years ago, but now go for the more ethical Barry M vegan polish. I love a bit of negative space on a manicure; it’s an easy way to accomplish a cool effect.

Two hands showing deep red and silver manicure

Last week I fancied some really bright cheery colours. This mani was fitting for Pride month. Unfortunately they didn’t survive long after a trip to the pool. Good whilst it lasted.

Two hands one with rainbow stripesd manicure, the other with rainbow polka dots

Finally, my attempt at impressionist type floral design. I don’t think I quite hit the water lily look, but they are lovely.

And talking of that trip to the pool, it was wonderful. My sister, my bestie and I took the little ones swimming. I am much more mobile in the water. I love being able to chase them and have a proper carry on. This time I was a shark, kraken and an octopus. Much fun was had. Outfit wise I went for cute and comfy. My beloved Pockets and Sedition palazzo pants*, slouchy tee and ‘sorry not sorry’ my old saggy boobs sans underwiring.

Fat white woman with walking stick is wearing palazzo pants and t shirt
Palazzo Pants – Pockets and Sedition
Tee – Primark
Glasses – Where Light

* Brand Ambassador. Not gifted or sponsored.

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Video killed the radio star…

In my usual very late to the party I have lately been getting into YouTube. It is one of my new insomnia coping strategies. Since I am all about sharing, here are the channels I’ve been watching in the wee small hours.

If girl boss/self help influencers drive you crazy, Keyas World is the perfect counter point. It feels like toxic positivity is on the rise. Social media is full of no excuses, manifest it, take some supplements bullshit; it infuriates me. It’s all a con, they always have something to sell you and that product is usually snake oil. They target vulnerable people without the credentials to justify the advice they spew. I love the way Keya’s World debunks these charlatans with humour whilst highlighting the harm this rhetoric can do.

Women with a picture of brain on her head. Brain scan images behind her. The words Brain Scam at the top

On a similar theme there is Okay-ish. This YouTube channel & podcast is the work of Maryellen Dance, a licensed mental health counsellor. She takes on self help influencers who offer unqualified mental health advice. If you have ever watched Rachel Hollis or Mel Robbins and came away feeling shitty, you need to check out Okay-ish.

Pink background with white script okay-ish

I know why I watch true crime content; it makes feel more prepared to know all the insane tactics that dangerous people use. However, I do not know why I tend to consume it in the middle of the night. In any case when I can’t sleep ThatChapter’s non sensationalised take on true crime works for me.

Screen shot from that chapter YouTube

I can’t get The Late Show With Stephen Colbert on any of my streaming in the UK, so I was very pleased to find I could watch most of the show on YouTube. He has good guests, his monologue is funny and he just comes across as a nice man. The fact the I find him yummers doesn’t hinder my enjoyment either.

Stephen Colbert with nyc in the background.  Text says the late show with Stephen colbert

Finally, I have found YouTube to be a great resource for finding gentle Yoga & Pilates. I can’t manage much on the exercise front. Being able to do accessible routines at home has been very helpful. My current favs are Yoga with Uliana and Nhs Pilates for Beginners. Both have wide range of videos for different abilities, the nhs one is great as they have videos for specific problems. Exercise in my living room is excellent for me as getting to a class would likely use up all available spoons!

Women in pink leggings doing crossed legged Pilates stretch . Txt reads nhs Pilates for beginners

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Over the faultline…

In a previous post I discussed some developments with my long covid debacle. I had to wait a while to see a specialist and have some tests done, but I am now closer to a diagnosis. I will speak on that later as I have two more tests to under go before that is finalised.

I am feeling deflated. My appointment this week didn’t hold any surprises, but there weren’t answers either. The consultant couldn’t give me any opinion on whether my current symptoms would improve or resolve. She also didn’t have any suggestions to improve symptoms that I am not already doing. Drs still have a lot of ‘don’t knows’ when it comes to long covid. That’s not anyone’s fault, but it is incredibly difficult to deal with. As I have said before, the thought of being stuck in my current condition is terrifying.

Large modern glass and steel hospital building

I am trapped within by body’s limitations. I feel useless and unreliable. In the last two weeks I have had to miss a funeral, reschedule medical appointments & cancel just hanging out at my friend’s house because I was too ill to get out of the house. I can’t keep up with housework or actual work. I am almost always saying no. When I see my niblings I can’t play the way I want to. I can’t help out my Mum friends/family the way I want to and used to. I can’t visit friends I haven’t seen since pre pandemic because the night before I am due to go I end up in hospital. Any outing I can make I constantly interrupt with my need to rest. People always have to ask if I am ok, if I can manage and so on. I hate it. I don’t want the people I love to be worried about me all the time. I make everything harder for everyone.

Women’s legs on a bench with handbag and walking stick

For me this is failing on all fronts. I’m not doing anything well. Doing everything that has been suggested to help and having no improvement is so dispiriting. Gentle exercise might help, but too much will exacerbate symptoms. I struggle to do 5 mins of gentle yoga stretches without getting so dizzy I pass out. Swimming is great, but I’ve been advised not to go alone. I’ve doubled my fluid intake. I’m resting and doing all the recommended exercises when I am sat down. I stand up slowly, clench muscles and don’t stay in the same position too long. I’ve gone for every test and treatment. I’m utilising every trick in my pain relief deck. I’ve cut back, more rest days, meditate, take deep breaths. Nothing works. My pain levels have not reduced. Dizziness & fainting will not abate. My heart continues to race and I can never get a breath. The brain fog is the worst I have ever experienced. No one has any other help to offer me.

California fault line

I don’t know how to adapt to this. It is very hard to see how I live a fulfilling life in this state. I know I have felt this way before and found a way, but my horizons keep shrinking. Hopefully it will get better or I will rise to the challenge. Right at this moment I don’t know how to do that. I am more stuck than I have ever been.

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Day Tripper…

Life is a bit more of a grind at the moment. My body isn’t giving me the easiest of times and as a result I haven’t been able to get out much. In the last couple of weeks I have managed two excursions and this is what I wore.

Two Fridays ago I took a trip to a fun little farm park called Monty’s with my sis & her boy. The boy loved the place and it was very accessible for Auntie ly too. Loads of places to sit and rest whilst he ran around. Oh & loads of cute farm friends too.

Dress – Asos (very old)
Tights – Snag
Glasses – Where Light

Yesterday I managed a lovely trip over to my bestie’s to have a good carry on with her brood. It felt so good to be out of the house and with people I love. Outfit wise, I went for a super cute jumpsuit. This one is lightweight and loose; perfect for a sore body on a muggy day.

Jumpsuit – Asos
Sports Bra – M&S
Sandals – Pillow Slides

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