My week in pictures… 

I’ve had a rather lovely week. It’s been filled with a beach, a birthday, some beer & a burning sky. So, I thought I’d share some of the photographs I’ve snapped along the way.

Autumn is absolutely my favourite season & an out of season beach is probably my favourite place to be. So, last Friday I combined two loves & embarked on a wee road trip with my sister (& her fur baby). I am so lucky to live in Glasgow as there is so much beautiful countryside so close by. Both my sis & I both enjoy finding new, slightly less obvious places to visit & Lauren came up trumps on this trip. We headed to Ayr, but bypassed the main beach in favour of Heads of Ayr. There we found a stunning deserted beach complete with a crumbling castle perched on a cliff. Like I said I prefer a beach outside of summer, they always feel more atmospheric with wilder weather. Aside from a little map reading bickering (my skills are poor) it was a gorgeous day. 

  

I opted for low key birthday celebrations this year. Mainly because I haven’t been terribly well, but also because I’m so bloody old. I’ll be honest the numbers are getting a little scarier every year. Having said that, the actual birthdays are always a delight. I kicked off my birthday with a family lunch. My family proved once again how much they know & love me by gifting exactly the right things. They even refrained from singing when my cake came out, which I appreciated. I followed up lunch with drinks & my favourite man. We enjoyed some delicious cherry beer & a stunning sunset. No birthday would be complete without a FaceTime with my niece, my incredible little muffin sang happy birthday & told me some very imaginative stories. Finally, my best friend rounded off my day with  another spot on present. I am a very lucky girl. 

  

I’ve also had some quiet little moments with my city & myself. Here’s a little insight into what keeps me ticking over. 

  
  
To cap things off I have received some really interesting writing offers that I can’t wait to sink my teeth into. I’ll keep you posted on where you can read the finished results. 

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This week I have mostly been…

Feeling grumpy, if I’m honest. My bad mood has of course spilled into my listening choices. I’ve been selecting some angry, some passionate & all loud tunes. Sometimes I sing (scream) along, which I find helps immensely. 

So, this week I have mostly been listening to :

Morrissey. Let’s face it he’s a musical genius & this particular song articulates an element of my life that I have struggled with for many years. It captures my predicament exactly & listening to The more you ignore me – the closer I get gives me an enormous sense of freedom. Free from the  burden of trying to explain because darling Morrssey has done it all for me. 

I should explain that I’m not pissed off with anyone in particular, just, you know the whole world. So my next few choices are just ranty songs that vent my chagrin. Next time you are stewing turn up The Pigeon Detectives’ I’m not sorry & holler the title lyric; trust me, you’ll feel calmer. Likewise Can’t stand me now, The Libertines classic presses all the right buttons. With lyrics like ‘ the boy kicked out at the world – the world kicked back a lot fuckinv harder’ song is feeling my pain. 

  
My final earwig isn’t really an angry tune. Falling by Mcalmont & Butler is the kind of song that completely fills whatever space it occupies. So much so that I feel it pulsating through my body. It’s soaring peaks & crashing drums create actual physical sensations. It has been ringing in my ears all week. 

Reggie Kray, do you know my name….

You will no doubt have noticed that I haven’t been doing much galavanting of late. I have been feeling pretty awful recently, hence limited activities, but one thing I can enjoy is the cinema. My sister & I have unlimited cards, which we try get the most out of. Last week our movie of choice was Legend. 

I knew a bit about the Kray’s, but I still found their story very sad. I am not excusing their violence, but I can’t help wondering if better psychiatric care could have changed their path. Tom Hardy is excellent on both roles & I highly recommend this film. 

My stomach was really swollen last week & I struggled to find an outfit that was comfortable or attractive. Then I had a brainwave, volume!  I slipped my fullest petticoat under a favourite skater dress & I was quite pleased with the result. 

  
Dress – Asos Curve

Petticoat – Damien & Lillith

Leggings – Etsy

Last week I also got around to changing my nose ring. Getting the new one in was a trial, but it’s so pretty that it was worth it. 

  
Septum ring – Suck my Plug 

You’ll be on my mind forever…

Today always creeps up on me. One minute it’s months away & then it’s here. I dread it’s arrival because I know it will unleash emotions that I try to keep chained up. September 12th would have been my child’s birthday. 

Today should be all presents & cake & surprises. Instead it’s a wound that never entirely heals. Of course life goes on. I live & there is joy, pride, love, but there is always a tinge of sadness. It hurts to miss the milestones & the everyday moments. The pain can catch me unaware & take my breath away. There are times when every aspect of my life feels wrong because this is not how I’d be living with my precious little one. 

  
It’s such an incredible feeling to know there is life inside you. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I knew immediately that I was pregnant. I knew before my period was late & before I took a test. I felt it. It was scary, unplanned, badly timed, but still so right. I became a mother in an instant & that feeling has never left me.

Yes, it’s painful to remember; it also helps. It’s easier for me to acknowledge today. It’s good to talk out loud about the person who changed my life without having a chance to live his. 

If love could have saved you darling, you’d have lived forever. 

The winner takes it all….

I broke out of the house for a couple of hours on Saturday night. I went to a local place for dinner with my BFF. It recently occurred to us that we’ve known each other for 30yrs, which is terrifying, but also completely lovely. 

It was good to be out & even better to put on some cute clothes. However, my stupid brain forgot to tell me to photograph them . I did manage to snap a few selfies including one that both looked pretty & included my new favourite thing.

  
Vest – Primark

Cardi – Monsoon

Brooch – Poesie & Grenadine (Etsy)

That brooch carries a superb sparkly embroidered, Thunderthighs are go. Jewellery does not get better than that.  It’s over, we have a winner. Go home non chubby loving trinkets. 

This week I have mostly been…

Spoonie life can be tough. Meds only do so much, which means you have to discover your own coping strategies. 

Music is one of the things that helps me when my symptoms are unmanageable. Specifically, I like to lie in a completely dark room & play loud soothing music. I try to imagine the room flooding with the sound & let it wash over me. Obviously i am attracted to beautiful music, but for me, I’ve always needed lyrics that speak to me too. In particular I gravitate towards songs that express emotions I am wrapped up in. 

All of this leads me to introduce some new content. I hope  to regularly share with you the tunes that are easing my path. 

This last week has been dominated by women. My choices have been perhaps a little sombre, but that also have a dreamy quality. Without further ado, this week I have mostly been listening to,

I have no idea why it has taken me so long to find Laura Marling, but I am so glad I did. I heard this song, Darkness Descends, in a hospital waiting room & had to shazam it. The lyrics seemed designed for me, as though someone had climbed into my head & taken notes. This song is the musical embodiment  of autum. When I listen to this I feel like I’m wandering out in the crisp, fresh chill of a perfect September day & that’s a nice escape from reality. 

  
Next up is a bewitching offering from an old favourite. Firewood by Regina Spector sounds so gentle, but is really a rousing kick in the arse. With chronic illness there are times when life is too hard. In the midst of a flare when you feel horrendous every moment of every day, you can start think it’s just not worth it. Firewood is basically saying I know it hurts, I know it’s impossible, but you’re still breathing & you have to live. Spector manages to articulate this message without being patronising or dismissive. I love it. 

Spanish Harlem is a song I’ve been playing since childhood. It’s a tune that always made me feel bright & breezy. Rebecca Pidgeon’s version takes it to a new level. The tone of her voice & the more floaty arrangement is lush. I also like the gender switch, these words sung by a woman have a much less possessive feel.

This week’s final earwig is Lana Del Rey’s treatment of Once Upon A Dream. I first heard this when I took my niece to see Cinderella & haven’t been able to get it out of my head. The original Disney version is too sickly sweet for me, but Lana’s dark & twisty take gives me all the feels. This song perfectly fits my brief; it allows me to feel totally immersed in the music.