The few weeks I have been reading some impulse buys. I had a load of Waterstones stamps to spend and decided to pick up some books that took my fancy without knowing much about them.
First up, Luckenbooth by Jenni Fagan. The book follows the events in an Edinburgh tenement over the course of 100yrs. It includes the stories of a diverse group of characters with a consistent occult undercurrent. I loved that each tenant’s story was full of surprises. The inclusion of real events and nods to social values of each period kept me engaged. In fact, I really wanted more on some of the characters. If you like a bit of spooky history you will enjoy this.
I finished David Mitchell’s Unruly this morning. I would happily had read his take on another few centuries. I’ve always been fascinated by royal history. Mostly because it is horrific to consider how the whims of avaricious men impacted the course of history. Mitchell’s comedic touch greases the wheels of brutal history. The book is exactly what it claims to be, an entertaining account of English Kings & Queens. History buff or not this one is worth a read, it’s genuinely a page turner. I love when people have the talent to make potentially dense material accessible.
I have another couple of from that little haul to go. I’ll let you know if they were good picks too.
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The last few days have been a beautiful last gasp of summer. Mother Nature is easing us into spooky season and I love it.
Autumn is my favourite season; I yearn for crisp chilly days, cosy clothes and of course Halloween. Our GlasGlow tickets are already booked and costume pieces have been ordered. This week felt the perfect time to kick off the festivities. My sister, her tiny boy & I all cried Beetlejuice thrice & were transported to Burton world.
I absolutely adored the original. Well, I think I was pretty scared the first time, but I settled into it. Gothy Winona made my little weirdo heart beat faster in the 90’s & I think Beetlejuice may have kick started that. I didn’t have much time, but I really wanted to wear something on theme. My teenage niece used profanities to describe how cute I looked, I consider that a success.
Dress – Forever 21 Skirt & Vest – H&M Kimono – BoohooTeenage approval for an old Auntie.
I very much enjoyed wearing those over the knee socks. Having them peak out from under the lace is a look. Luckily I have quite a lot of sheer dresses, expect to see more of them. They are actually compression socks to help with Pots symptoms. Plus Sock miraculously make the only comfortable compression socks I have ever worn. Spoonie boon!
Over the Knee Socks – Plus Socks *
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice was a hit with us. I loved that they kept the style of the OG. No high tech cgi, it felt right. Cast are fab, costumes incredible and lots of dark laughs. The juice is loose and I’m here for it.
* previously gifted.
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It’s that time of month again. The time when I start asking you to part with your cash. I know times are tough, but if you can, please click on one of these links & give what you can.
The people of Gaza still desperately need our help. Families have been displaced multiple times and live in constant fear. Disease is spreading due to lack of clean water and proper housing. Infrastructure is destroyed. People are starving, they can’t access medical care and all the while are being bombarded. We cannot sit back and watch this happen.
I have been sharing & supporting Haitham’s family. They are just a normal loving family struggling to survive. Please consider making a donation. If you are unable to give money you can still help by sharing their Go Fund Me.
This month I am also supporting Willow Animal Sanctuary. Willow is an incredible place, they offer a safe and loving home for all kinds of farm animals. They re home & rescue, saving so many beautiful creatures from awful situations. They also have a cat hotel for cats that cannot find a home in the usual domestic setting. They are gearing up for winter and could use our help in keeping these animals safe, fed, warm & loved.
A few months ago someone recommended a book. They were so effusive that I added it to my ‘to be read’ pile. Then I forgot about it until I started seeing trailers for It Ends With Us. The ads intrigued me & sparked a memory of that book I was urged to read.
I don’t do many full on book reviews, but this Colleen Hoover’s It Ends With Us left me with things to say. The buzz about the movie certainly peeked my interest & probably made me want to add my tuppence too.
We can start with the positive. It is a compelling story. Generational trauma, first love, the ascent to adulthood. The author aims to make important points and she hits some of them. The sex scenes are well executed. I actually think it will make a good film.
Now, let’s get to the problems. First up, it’s not well written. The protagonist’s voice gave me the ick from the jump. The story takes her from 15yrs old into adulthood, but the voice does not mature. It is cringey and juvenile. Given the subject matter, it feels uncomfortable. I also had problems with some lazy plotting. Everyone is rich & coincidence abounds. Need help with your business? No problem, a super rich woman who needs distraction & has the exact skills you require will wander into your premises & work for a pittance. Oh & she’s the sister of a mysterious guy you have a huge thing for; crazy.
Then there are those issues Hoover wanted to address. In the Notes from Author, Hoover does admit that although she usually writes for entertainment this novel was intended to educate. I think in her efforts to do that she overshot on two counts. At various points throughout the book I felt like I was reading a PSA. Lily’s internal monologue on how complicated domestic violence is felt less like someone trying to make sense of trauma & more like educational material. While I absolutely agree with the points being made, it jerked me out of the character’s world. The second over reach was Ryle’s backstory. I felt in her efforts to show how complex intimate partner abuse is she tipped into trying to make him too sympathetic. Especially in contrast to what we know of Lily’s father. For me, there was too much consideration of his past, his feelings, his experience. I understand the motivation behind that, but in my opinion the scales tipped too far at times.
Overall, I’d say skip the book & see the film. Not a sentiment I often express, but I’m a book snob. Colleen Hoover’s writing just doesn’t live up to the hype.
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The summer holidays are drawing to close in Scotland. Thus, the last few weeks have been filled with nibling adventures. It’s been tricky balancing ebullient days with enough rest, which has caused a few problems. All entirely worth it.
In the biggest and most exciting news, I have a new nibling. My sister had another boy a few weeks ago and he is of course, perfect. Everyone is doing great & my big boy is absolutely loving being a brother. I had my first adventure out with the tiny little man last week. My sis & I plus both boys checked out Beyond Van Gogh. It’s an immersive art exhibit and we loved it. The little man was captivated by all the colour and light. Big boy fascinated by the whole ear thing. I did really enjoy the experience, but I would have liked some smaller rooms for a more immersive feel. I think it would have felt more like stepping into the art in smaller spaces.
I felt like wearing something exuberant to delve into Van Gogh. I plumped for a retro vibe, with this floral dress and petticoat. I always feel very femme & pretty in this shape.
Dress & Petticoat – Lindy Bop
Summer wouldn’t be complete without a trip to the Glasgow Science Centre (GSC). The kids love being able touch and investigate everything. The twins especially enjoyed a big safe space that they can have free run of. Their big sister really took to the floor that explores the human body. Her sprint time & jump height were extraordinary. The naked body & skeletons also garnered some attention. I met my manager from when I worked at the science centre and was surprised to discover he remembered me. In fact colleagues had recently been talking me. Considering it’s been twenty years, I’m a little concerned about what made me stick in their heads. Past idiosyncrasies aside, we had a fabulous day. Special shout out to gift shop, which bucks the trend of insanely expensive price tags. They have a great range of fun & affordable treats.
GSC is always insanely hot. I suppose that’s bound to happen in building made from concrete and glass. To mitigate this I went for my new little vesty dress. Ten out of ten, so comfortable and light. It is definitely going to be a staple.
Dress – Nobody’s Child. Kimono – Simply Be
On the less fun side the heat has been playing havoc with my Pots. There has been so much dizziness and a few fainting disasters. Air hunger has also been a huge problem. I have upped my water intake, doing electrolyte drinks, lots of sitting down, breathing excerises, fans & so on. All to now avail. I’m really hoping symptoms might diminish as the temperature cools. The new problem is Cubital Tunnel Syndrome. It’s caused by compression of a nerve in the elbow and results in numbness, pain and weakness in the hand. My right pinky & ring finger started getting pins & needles a few months ago and it never went away. Half of my hand is now constantly numb and the remaining half is very weak. I don’t have a lot of pain, but not having full use of my dominant hand is a significant challenge. I’ve had my elbow x rayed & it has mild degenerative changes, which may be the source of the problem. Again I’m doing everything I can and so far no improvement. I have excercises, wear a splint at night, changed my arm position when typing. I’m waiting to see physio. This condition can be reversed, but it frustrating to be stuck with another limitation in the mean time. Fingers crossed that physio helps. Spoonie life is kicking my arse.
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Things have been rough since I lost Bronan. I keep expecting him to wander into the room. I’m home most of the time, so we were together all the time. My daily habits and routines were centred around my boy. Eveything feels off without him.
I had Bronan cremated & he’s back home now. I also have a little bit of his fur. I haven’t completely decided, but I think I will scatter a little of him in his garden with some forget me not seeds. I will keep the rest of his ashes home with me. The people I worked with were wonderful. Very compassionate & professional. I am grateful that they made our last moments together so peaceful.
I have been seeking solace in my little ones. They are so loving and wonderful. They offer temporary distraction from my sadness. It’s summer holidays, so we’ve had time to have lots of adventures. We’ve been to the park, swimming, the cinema and more.
My adult people have also been wonderful. It’s very comforting to be around people who don’t need me to explain how I’m feeling. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been so kind here & on Instagram etc. I appreciate all of your lovely words.
I had to say goodbye to Bronan on Monday. We found out he had hyperthyroidism a few weeks ago. Shortly after I noticed changes in Bronan that led us back to vet. We discovered fluid in his stomach and that his kidneys were in trouble. Bronan had lymphoma. At 19 with diabetes & hyperthyroidism surgery or radiation were not option. The vet gave him injections to relieve symptoms, but told me he didn’t have long. I got another 11 days with him. He stopped eating or drinking at the weekend and it was clear that prolonging his life would be for my benefit rather than his. I’m heartbroken. My home feels so empty without him.
I adopted him from a friend. A change in her circumstances hadn’t agreed with him. She had him & his sister, but he didn’t always love sharing with her. He was home the moment he stepped out of his carrier. He thrived having his domain and me to himself. Always his own man, he came for cuddles when he wanted, wandered his territory as he pleased and demanded my attention as he saw fit. Be that insisting on having breakfast at 6am every day or waking me in the middle of the night because he required a chin rub. He’s had me at his beck & call from the first and I have loved every second of it.
We had a perfect bond. He fit into my life seamlessly. Our personalities matched. A little bit fierce, with a soft belly beneath. He guarded his space fearlessly, no cat, dog or fox was permitted in his garden. He saved his greatest vexation for the Magpies. A foe he hated so much they had their own annoyed meow. Yet, he didn’t kill. Nor did he turn his frustration on people. He never bit or scratched, always gentle for such a big boy. Always easy. He’d appear from a hedge or behind a sofa when I called. He cared not a jot about the twice daily insulin injections he needed in the last few years. My boy charmed everyone who met him. With his handsome face and gentle giant ways. He even learned to love kids. Once wary, he made friends with my little ones. Becoming best of friends with one of nieces, who wanted to visit purely to see him.
Bronan embodies so many of the things I love about cats. He lived on his own terms. Doing exactly as he pleased; bending me to his will. He was independent, lacked patience, had no respect for personal space or any rules I tried to enforce. He could say fuck you with the tiniest narrowing of his eyes. All of which made his choice to love me more satisfying. He didn’t blindly obey or love me unconditionally. He cared for me because he wanted to. I earned his trust & respect. It was a privilege to have it.
More than anything he was part of my healing. He came to me near the beginning of a journey. Joined me in this house that has become a real home. He’s been my companion when I couldn’t bear to see another living being. Somehow he understood me. When my pain is too much he’d let me off easy. He’d lie quietly with me, requiring nothing, soothing me with his purrs. When my mind was troubled, he knew and responded with affection. My boy has aided in the making of huge decisions just by his presence in my life. He has eased my heart when it was shattered by loss. Listened to my tears, singing and the thoughts I only voiced to him.
Bronan is a dream and I will miss him more than I can say. I’ll miss him sleeping on my feet, keeping them warm. I’ll miss the taps on my face when his meows don’t wake me. The sound of his steps on the wooden floor, the way he announces himself with a shout when he comes in his cat flap. I’ll miss being the only person allowed to rub his fluffy belly. I will miss giving him a running commentary of the day and the way he looks over his shoulder to check I am following when he leads me to what he wants. I’ll miss stroking his paws. The tiny white spot above his lip. His snores. The way he crunches & snorts when he eats. I’ll miss him. His attitude, his spirit, his love. All of him.
I had some bad news recently that is taking me a little time to process. I’m fine, it’s not related to my health. The last few weeks have felt somewhat surreal, life goes on, but I am caught in my own head. I hate to be so mysterious, I will share more when I’m ready.
In the meantime, I feel somewhat contained in my own bubble. A little trip up north with family was lovely. Lots of peace, fresh air and of course carry on with the boy. We absolutely adored the outdoor infinity pool at Portavadie. Warm as a bath, but surrounded by the wildness of the loch. It was beautiful.
This boy loves to torture me with seaweed.
In keeping with this air of strangeness are the election results. I don’t know entirely how to feel about the situation we find ourselves in. I am of course delighted to witness the Tories decimated. However, it is hard to rejoice in a Labour landslide when they are a mere hair’s breadth away for being Conservatives. The rise of Reform is terrifying. I despair at the ignorance & hate that drives their increased popularity. SNP losses are incredibly disheartening and I hope in part due to an anti Tory rather than pro Labour vote in Scotland. I don’t feel hopeful of real change under Starmer. I would love to be proven wrong.
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I hear tell that the ‘skinny trend’ is back. With it a theory that is not new, but is perhaps just occurring to some. Namely, that when women begin to believe in their power skinny returns to divert & exhaust our energies.
I don’t disagree entirely. The preoccupation with the size and appearance of women is certainly rooted in control. As Naomi Wolf wrote ‘a culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience’. Now, of course we can add the money to be made from convincing vast swathes of the population that they must lose weight. So, yes, thin is a tool to distract and diminish. The rest of the story is, it never goes away.
As a fat woman I know that skinny is never a trend. Thin has been the beauty standard my entire life. The degree of thinness may change, but fat is never the societal goal. The body positive movement has certainly made strides, but we are far from the majority opinion. As fat voices began to break through the message was quickly diluted. Brands adopted body liberation for cache without actually using diverse models or really extending their sizes. An hour glass white women with a flat stomach in a size 18 is not fat representation. Likewise, all the straight sized chicks contorting their bodies to create a fat roll is not #bopo. Meanwhile actual fat bodies are censored on social media. We aren’t even permitted to be centred in our own movement. Which makes it difficult for me to see when thin wasn’t in.
I was a teen in 90’s. I lived through heroin chic and I’m not convinced it felt substantially different to any other point in my timeline. I was slim then, but I never felt small enough. A feeling that stayed with me throughout my various size incarnations until my 30’s. I have observed no change in weight stigma over that time. The consensus has always been that fat is unhealthy & unattractive. Skinny has been the ideal whether Kate Moss or Kim Kardashian was reigning supreme.
No one is changing their diet or taking supplements to gain fat. There have never been articles in magazines advising how to quickly get a belly. Fat women have always faced discrimination across the board. We were & remain pilloried in media and life. A slight shift in the type of thin body most desired is not substantive. It is the same control, in a moderately tweaked package.
The real difference is perspective. If you have the privilege of living in a societally accepted body, the return of super skinny feels like a threat. Now you’re going to be pressured to shrink. You will see your image represented less. In short, you’re going to notice. Personally it makes no difference if the ideal is size 0 or size 12. I’m always too big. I will always be perceived negatively by many people. I don’t relish the return of a romanticised gaunt aesthetic. I’m just saying what all fat women know, the skinny trend is perpetual.
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The internet is wonderful. It provides so many opportunities to learn, connect, help. It’s entertaining. I use it every damn day, but there’s always a catch.
Join me as I let off a little steam about that catch. Let’s begin with the old foe; men. There are so many men with oh so many opinions online. There’s the reply guy who must say something. The sleazy guys who just have to objectify every female presenting person they scroll upon. The scammers who think every woman becomes an idiot when contacted by surgeon, soldier or pilot. The obsequious guys & the ‘I want to be your sugar daddy’ guys. Last but not least annoying are the gotta throw inane insults at fat women guys. They’re all tedious. I don’t want creepy compliments or offers. I couldn’t care less what some random man thinks about my body or anything else. Stop assuming that you can impose your thoughts on strangers. I am not flattered by your compliments or interested in your preferences. What I am is disgusted, tired and sometimes fucking angry.
Less toxic, but the irritation factor remains high with the tarot, spiritualist, astrology charlatans. Every one of my social media inboxes are jammed with ‘offers’. Just send my DOB, mother’s maiden name & first pet’s name for a free expert reading. Even if I were stupid enough to fall for that con I still wouldn’t believe in any of the tripe they are preaching. I’m also smart enough not to use any of the requested info as security questions. I’d bet most of the population are equally savvy. Stop bothering me. I resent the minutes and finger taps I exert to block you.
Given our fast approaching election, politics loom large. That’s fine with me, I’ve always been political and the Tories need to go. My complaint is two fold. Firstly, the gammon. The folk who get all their information from GB News & use that propaganda to legitimise their hateful beliefs. As hard as I try I can’t not be angry when I see comments spouting vile and untrue hyperbole. I despise how many people have so eagerly adopted the most hateful far right rhetoric. I could not be more sick of seeing it every day. Secondly, I despair that the parliamentary Labour Party has abandoned its soul. Keir Starmer is barely discernible from the incumbents. We deserve better. 13yrs of Conservative rule has ravaged this country. People are suffering and they should have a real alternative.
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Something in the way she moves... 
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