Last month I added to my tattoo collection in the best way possible. I got a beautiful profile portrait of my beloved Bronan.
I lost my gorgeous boy in July and it has been impossible to get used to life without him. My home still feels empty without his demanding presence. A memorial tattoo felt like the perfect way to always have him with me. The fantastic Lauren at Luna Tattoo captured my boy perfectly.
I wanted a really simple black profile that highlighted the shape of his nose and white stripe. I adore him. I also had a great experience at Luna. I love being tattooed by women. Lauren made me so comfortable and I loved the vibe they’ve created at Luna. If you’re local, I highly recommend this shop.
If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.
Things have been rough since I lost Bronan. I keep expecting him to wander into the room. I’m home most of the time, so we were together all the time. My daily habits and routines were centred around my boy. Eveything feels off without him.
I had Bronan cremated & he’s back home now. I also have a little bit of his fur. I haven’t completely decided, but I think I will scatter a little of him in his garden with some forget me not seeds. I will keep the rest of his ashes home with me. The people I worked with were wonderful. Very compassionate & professional. I am grateful that they made our last moments together so peaceful.
I have been seeking solace in my little ones. They are so loving and wonderful. They offer temporary distraction from my sadness. It’s summer holidays, so we’ve had time to have lots of adventures. We’ve been to the park, swimming, the cinema and more.
My adult people have also been wonderful. It’s very comforting to be around people who don’t need me to explain how I’m feeling. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been so kind here & on Instagram etc. I appreciate all of your lovely words.
I had to say goodbye to Bronan on Monday. We found out he had hyperthyroidism a few weeks ago. Shortly after I noticed changes in Bronan that led us back to vet. We discovered fluid in his stomach and that his kidneys were in trouble. Bronan had lymphoma. At 19 with diabetes & hyperthyroidism surgery or radiation were not option. The vet gave him injections to relieve symptoms, but told me he didn’t have long. I got another 11 days with him. He stopped eating or drinking at the weekend and it was clear that prolonging his life would be for my benefit rather than his. I’m heartbroken. My home feels so empty without him.
I adopted him from a friend. A change in her circumstances hadn’t agreed with him. She had him & his sister, but he didn’t always love sharing with her. He was home the moment he stepped out of his carrier. He thrived having his domain and me to himself. Always his own man, he came for cuddles when he wanted, wandered his territory as he pleased and demanded my attention as he saw fit. Be that insisting on having breakfast at 6am every day or waking me in the middle of the night because he required a chin rub. He’s had me at his beck & call from the first and I have loved every second of it.
We had a perfect bond. He fit into my life seamlessly. Our personalities matched. A little bit fierce, with a soft belly beneath. He guarded his space fearlessly, no cat, dog or fox was permitted in his garden. He saved his greatest vexation for the Magpies. A foe he hated so much they had their own annoyed meow. Yet, he didn’t kill. Nor did he turn his frustration on people. He never bit or scratched, always gentle for such a big boy. Always easy. He’d appear from a hedge or behind a sofa when I called. He cared not a jot about the twice daily insulin injections he needed in the last few years. My boy charmed everyone who met him. With his handsome face and gentle giant ways. He even learned to love kids. Once wary, he made friends with my little ones. Becoming best of friends with one of nieces, who wanted to visit purely to see him.
Bronan embodies so many of the things I love about cats. He lived on his own terms. Doing exactly as he pleased; bending me to his will. He was independent, lacked patience, had no respect for personal space or any rules I tried to enforce. He could say fuck you with the tiniest narrowing of his eyes. All of which made his choice to love me more satisfying. He didn’t blindly obey or love me unconditionally. He cared for me because he wanted to. I earned his trust & respect. It was a privilege to have it.
More than anything he was part of my healing. He came to me near the beginning of a journey. Joined me in this house that has become a real home. He’s been my companion when I couldn’t bear to see another living being. Somehow he understood me. When my pain is too much he’d let me off easy. He’d lie quietly with me, requiring nothing, soothing me with his purrs. When my mind was troubled, he knew and responded with affection. My boy has aided in the making of huge decisions just by his presence in my life. He has eased my heart when it was shattered by loss. Listened to my tears, singing and the thoughts I only voiced to him.
Bronan is a dream and I will miss him more than I can say. I’ll miss him sleeping on my feet, keeping them warm. I’ll miss the taps on my face when his meows don’t wake me. The sound of his steps on the wooden floor, the way he announces himself with a shout when he comes in his cat flap. I’ll miss being the only person allowed to rub his fluffy belly. I will miss giving him a running commentary of the day and the way he looks over his shoulder to check I am following when he leads me to what he wants. I’ll miss stroking his paws. The tiny white spot above his lip. His snores. The way he crunches & snorts when he eats. I’ll miss him. His attitude, his spirit, his love. All of him.
It’s another Bank Holiday weekend. The kids had a few days off school and the weather looked promising. Obviously we had to go on some adventures.
On Friday I hit the Museum of Rural Life with my bestie and niblings. They loved checking out the giant vintage machinery and learning all about the local wildlife. My highlight was the tractor ride and baby cows. The kids seemed to enjoy everything. It was a warm dry day when he set out, so I braved a summery outfit. It did start to rain about ten mins before home time, but we managed not to get too soaked.
Top – Taking Shape Skort – Simply Be Kimono – Simply Be
Saturday was sister & the boy time. We headed to the Riverside Museum. We hadn’t been here for a few years and there have been loads of changes. All positive. The boy loved it. Like me, he was a fan of the old street. I was also happy to discover that the museum had those cool little portable chairs; allowing me to sit whenever I needed to. Two days in a row is a lot for me, so I attempted to put a little pep in my step with an excellent outfit. I think this one was a winner.
Dress – M&S Petticoat – Lindy Bop
I had an amazing time with the little ones, but unfortunately my body rebelled on Sunday. Along with the usual pain & fatigue there was much vomiting. I had a seriously rough night and today I am utterly wiped out. Bronan & I are having rest. Hope your holiday weekend was just as fun with fewer negative repercussions.
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It’s been a mixed few weeks. The Easter holidays presented lots of opportunities for auntie time. Unfortunately, my body has seized every opportunity to mess with me.
My first Easter adventure was a trip to The Burrell Collection. I spent a lot of time here as a kid and always enjoyed it. It is so nice to share it with the next generation. The boy absolutely loved all the swords and armour. I loved watching him explore.
The Burrell is really good on the accessibility front. Wide flat spaces that are easy to manoeuvre. Plenty of places to sit throughout, plus light weight stools you can carry around with you. Spacious lifts to all floors. It is a stunning buildings, with exhibits to entertain all ages.
As you know, I’m big into my glasses. I can never have enough. Thus, I was delighted to collab with Firmoo. These blue beauties have been on my face since the moment they arrived.
Glasses – Firmoo *
Next up was a little dip with my bestie & her brood. Swimming is my favourite, not least because I can properly carry on with kids. In the water I can move with ease. It feels so good not to be in pain every second. It’s even better to play a shark, spin the kids, help them ‘swim’. Much fun was had even if my littlest niece was frustrated that she needed to hold on to me. She was determined that she could do it herself and was not convinced when I explained that she couldn’t swim. Swimming with littles requires clothes that can be easily pulled on whilst squeezed into a tiny changing room with a wiggly child. These wide legs were perfect.
Trousers – Pockets and Sedition Cardigan – Monsoon
A few days later I was back with the treesome for the twin’s birthday. I can’t believe they are three already. It’s a cliche, but kids really do grow too fast! I still call these two babies, which is wishful thinking. They are so smart & funny & full of love. It is an honour to be part of their lives. We had a classic children’s party; balloons, cake & pass the parcel. It was a joy.
On the flip side my insomnia is in full force. Tossing & turning for hours every night is torture. I lie there exhausted, but feeling this horrendous unsettled sensation all over. The more I dwell on this physical embodiment of anxiety, the further away sleep gets. Every day feels like wading through mud. Surviving on minuscule amounts of sleep is the absolute worst.
When my body isn’t refusing to sleep, it’s passing out. Pots is kicking my arse. My latest fainting disaster resulted in two small fractures of my hand. The good news is that the bones are fast healing. The bad is that it is my walking stick hand and weight bearing is not easy. I’m feeling overwhelmed about how this is going to impact my mobility. Fingers crossed the predicted 3 weeks healing time is correct.
I might have to wear an ugly splint, but my nails look great.
Thankfully Bronan is always around for snuggles. A purring cat is a great stress reducer.
* Use my code Kerr50 for up to 80% off.
If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.
Last week was hectic. I packed in way more than was sensible. So, of course I’m entirely out of spoons now. It was worth it, though. I had some productive meetings and lovely time with people I care about.
First there was the little matter of tests and seeing some consultants. Unfortunately this involved pretty much an entire day in hospital, mostly waiting. Listen, I am very grateful for our NHS, I doubt I’d still be here without it. However, watching the impact of Tory cuts over the last decade is deeply frightening. Sickness, ageing accidents will touch all of our lives. We need a functioning NHS, it is a miraculous institution. Please keep that in mind when you are casting your votes.
Tuesday involved meetings about an exciting opportunity, which I feel good about. I long ago abandoned cosplaying as a suit. I feel fake & uncomfortable in that get up. I don’t present my best self that way. Thus, I turn up as me and I find that gets the best results.
Skirt – Gift
The following day was all Bronan. We went for his bloods & then a had bit of a wild goose chase for his insulin. Fridge malfunctions caused some problems, but we got there in the end. Bronan was very grumpy about his extended time in his carrier, but once home he got thoroughly pampered.
By Thursday it was time for a reward. I put on a pretty dress and had a catch up with my very favourite man. We went to Brutti Compadres. I love it there because the have the best tapas and Rosè sangria. Plus amazing lighting that makes it feel like you’re bathed in sun. It was so nice to forget about the miserable Scottish winter. Even nicer to bask in the company of someone delightful.
Dress – Forever 21 Shrug – H&M Tights – Snag
I finished the week in the best way possible; surrounded by niblings. I spent the day playing with Batman and baby bunnies, looking up cheeky animals on my phone and finding out about the latest happenings at school. I also had a good gab with their Mamma. Friday done right.
Trousers – Glamour @ Asos Cardigan – Handmade
If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.
This month in continued attempts to stop buying clothes I don’t need, I have been attempting to mine gems from the darkest reaches of my wardrobe.
I have about a million dresses and some just don’t get a look in. Example A would be this dress. It the softest, cosiest easy wear and I do not know why I neglect it. It is brutally cold here, so additional layering is essential. This wee shrug/jumper thing is ideal. Also super soft and cosy. It was a Xmas gift and I love it. I can throw it on with anything for extra warm.
Dress – Monsoon Jumper – Gift Boots – Air Cloudies
The next dress really did come from the deepest depths. I’ve had this one for close to 20yrs. It’s is a magical wrap dress that somehow fits me whatever size I am. I love the vintagey print. The only annoying thing is the tie loosens and it gets a bit heavy on the cleavage. Easily solved by popping a vest on next time.
Dress – Very old H&M. Jumper – Gift
Finally we have yesterday’s outfit. We took Dad out for an early birthday lunch. I wanted to step it up a little, but still look day time. I dug around in my drawers and found this amazing sheer t shirt. The colour is so vibrant, it was just what this jumpsuit needed to causal it down a little bit. I also broke out my jazziest glasses. I adore these specs. They are actually really heavy, so not great for wearing everyday. I do love giving them an outing.
In keeping with my ‘24 in, today is a little run down of words I’ve been consuming lately. If you’re looking for some literary fiction to dive into, read on.
Before My Actual Heart Breaks by Tish Delaney is an extraordinary book. It follows the life of Mary growing up amidst the troubles in Northern Ireland. A girl seeking a life diametrically opposed to one she is living. Delaney deftly evokes time & place that doesn’t really exist anymore. I marvelled at strikingly different experience of woman not much older than myself. A person existing in my lifetime, but living an entirely alien life. Aptly titled as I broke my heart crying at several points. It so beautifully how badly we can misunderstand the people we should know best.
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng has had people raving forever. The hype increased when they did a big name adaptation and I finally got around to reading it. I’m pleased it made it to the top of my read pile. I loved the layering in the story, how the themes unravelled slowly. Privilege, secrets, motherhood are all so cleverly intertwined. The setting & it’s history perfectly captured elements of life in America.
Lastly a re read, After You’d Gone by Maggie O’Farrell. One of my very favourite books. I must have read a dozen times and I devour it every time. It’s both the classic love story and the unexpected. Complete with big romantic gestures, star crossed moments, but still packs surprises. I have recommended this novel to many people and every single one has fallen head over feels for it. Give yourself a treat, read this book.
Bronan has very little interest in what I’m reading. In fact he’s much rather I stopped with the books and gave him all of my attention.
If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.
About a month ago I made a Tik Tok about wegovy & similar ‘weight loss’ jabs. I had seen a lot of people promoting them, giving advice on how to get them prescribed etc. These positive posts all had notable omissions. I wanted to address the missing information.
I am fully behind bodily autonomy & wouldn’t tell people what to do with their bodies. However, I think it is essential that we have all the information before making medical decisions. It’s impossible to consent to treatment if you aren’t informed of all the risks, side effects and so on.
The current information on medications of this type is that weight loss will be most significant in the first 6months. Loss will peak at 1year and regardless of how long you remain on the drug, you will start to regain after that point. Regaining any weight lost is not only a certainty, it will happen fast. In fact the data shows that the pattern of weight loss & gain is similar to other methods of intentional weight loss. You are likely to regain not only the weight lost, but a little extra on top too.
People who have these injections report many gastric symptoms. Extreme nausea, vomiting & diarrhoea sometimes for weeks or months at a time. For others those side effects never settle. Long term use increases the risk of gallbladder problems & pancreatitis. Both are very painful, the latter can be deadly if not promptly treated. It’s also important to note that these injections have not been licensed for more than 2yrs for use in non diabetics. They have also never been prescribed in such high doses. The truth is there are still many unknowns. What we do know for sure it that these medications have serious risks & promise only short term results.
So, why am I going over all this again? Today I got a notification of a comment on that video. Reading it broke my heart.
I understand that sentiment. I used to feel that way. I’d make jokes about smoking instead of eating; saying as long as I was a thin corpse I didn’t care. I know how painful it is to feel that way. What’s worse is I know that many of the professionals who swore an oath to ‘do no harm’ feel the same way. Fat phobia is so ingrained in the medical profession that Drs recommend harmful meds, diets & surgeries to fat patients. Rushed to market, poorly tested and even known to be ineffective interventions. It matters not, because they’d rather we be sick or even dead than fat.
We deserve better. We should be able to consult our Drs when needed without the dreaded weight loss chat. We are entitled to treatments & procedures without having to first agree to dangerous diets. We are as worthy of respect and compassion as any other patient. And, we can demand it.
There are so many amazing resources to help fat patients deal with medical weight stigma. Two of my favourite fat positive medical folks are Dr Asher Larmie & Dr Joshua Wolrich both have written extensively on the topic. I cannot recommend their work enough.
I too am happy to help if I can. I’m not a medical health professional, but have learned many strategies for dealing with anti fat Drs. I’m always delighted to pass these on.
If Bronan’s belly is cute, so is yours.
If you enjoy my writing you can support me here or on Patreon .
Taking it easy. I’ve been trying to write, trying to sleep and listening to these tunes.
Open up Your Door by Richard Hawley was playing in a waiting room. It’s pretty good waiting room music. The gentle jingly instruments swelling into smooth waves has a soothing effect. Hawley’s smooth easy listening, but cooler voice pleasantly washes over you. The lyrics are almost unimportant, the overall sound is the appeal.
I can’t work out where I first heard I Think I Like it When it Rains, but it immediately stuck in my brain. A little Googling later I discovered it was by Willis and promptly added it to a playlist. It gives me a Lennon, Don’t Let Down vibes. I love the hopeful melancholy. It encapsulates the feeling of one of those thinky rainy days.
If I were a fish corook (feat Olivia Barton) is the catchiest, feel good Tik Tok hit. I can’t resist the cheery message and choiry chorus. If you need a little sing a long pick me up this is the one.
I am of course loving all of Lewis Capaldi’s new releases. I am dying for the new album, How I’m Feeling Now in particular struck a chord. I respect his openness with regards to mental health and his ability to capture the experience in his music. The desperate frustration of battling yourself comes through. Anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety will feel it when he sings,
‘I’m always stuck inside my fucking head’
I hadn’t heard of Eloise until three days ago and now Friends Who Kiss is on my repeats. I like her gentle take on the break up genre. Stripped back and bitter sweet; ‘love is not in love’.
Bronan has been helping with the resting.
If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.
Something in the way she moves... 
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