5 things I liked in April…

April 30, 2025April 29, 2025 ~ somethinginthewayshemoves

April has been a very up & down month. Lots of really lovely time spent with my littles & their people. Also, an equal amount of time despairing at current events & struggling with mood dips.

I have coined the name ‘Depression Light’ for this state. It’s not deepest, darkest agony. More of an ugh that makes everything feel a bit futile. I am generally anxious and really not sleeping well. Sometimes it’s the little things that keep you afloat. These have been my buoyancy aids this month.

Spring Lambs

Taking my niblings to see the newborn lambs at a Farm Park was very life affirming. Watching the kids pet the baby lambs & their Mums was really wonderful. I even got a wee snuggle in myself. We learned that most sheep have twins, some have triplets & even rarely have quads. Imagine having all those little legs inside you? Animals are incredible. They mostly give birth all on their own and their babies are up on their precious little legs within 20mins. All that & they are adorable.

Iron Strawberry

My silly body doesn’t properly digest iron. To combat the resultant anemia I have occasional iron infusions and daily iron supplements. My liquid iron came in a revolting mint chocolate flavour. It did not taste at all like chocolate. The best description I can give of the flavour is a gritty, oily minty nightmare. I did not enjoy swallowing a spoon of it twice a day. The arrival of this month’s prescription brought a partial reprieve; strawberry flavoured iron! Honestly, it doesn’t taste good, but it is not the horror show of the minty choc. Small victories.

Vinyl Bonding

One of the things my niece requested for Xmas was a record player. She’s 15 and very into all things retro. It came as quite a shock that most the retro she’s loving hails from my hey day. Once I got over how old that made me, I have been loving introducing her to classics from my youth. Turns out we have similar musical tastes. I have been loving sending her old albums and the long FaceTimes we have to discuss them. I was worried that I’d lose my cool auntie status once she hit high school. Alanis Morrisette, Jeff Buckley and our joint penchant for saying it how it is might just buy me another few years.

The ‘Beautiful’ Game

A funny thing happened whilst I was doing some research for a piece. The piece was on football culture, I am familiar as an observer. I grew up in the West Of Scotland surrounded by football fanatics. I know a bit about football culture. I don’t however enjoy the game. It bores the life out of me. However, during my research I discovered something I unexpectedly love. Stick to Football, is a podcast (it’s filmed too) where ex footballers talk about football. Except they stray from the topic and it’s hilarious. Especially Roy Keane. I doubt I could have told you who he was a few months ago, I am now a bonafide fan. I do have to fast forward when they get bogged down in tactics and players I’ve never heard of, but I still look forward to a new weekly episode. I even ended up reading both of Keane’s books. Those close to me find it hilarious that I, the vocal hater, am an avid watcher of something with football in the title. Hey, you can’t help what you love.

Comfort Reads

Whenever I’m feeling down I turn to literature for comfort. When my insomnia starts acting up I need a steady stream of familiar favourites. This month I have been re reading some of my most loved novels. Jane Austen is a go to, I love sinking into her world. I started the month with Persuasion & am finishing it off with Mansfield Park. You can’t beat a clever woman getting the happy ending she deserves. Also at the ready was Barbara Trapido. The Travelling Hornplayer holds a special place in my heart. I found it at a difficult time and it has brought me peace on every read. It even partly inspired one of my tattoos. Trapido weaves intricate stories with overlapping characters. A truly beautiful writer. Her only flaw being the focus on middle class/oxbridge set, but the storytelling is so good that I can forgive it. Finally, I sought refuge in Carrie Fisher. Fisher was the first writer whose words expressed my experience of mental illness. She was a genius; no one on the planet ever wrote like her. This month I choose Delusions of Grandma & Surrender the Pink, but I suspect I’ll be diving into her catalogue again in May.

What gets you through?

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Sending out flares…..

July 3, 2015April 4, 2019 ~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 2 Comments

I’m in the midst of quite a bad flare. Please excuse my scarce blogging. New posts coming soon. In the mean time you can enjoy my writing over at The Swag Guide.

I’ll leave you with some pics of some of the family pets. I love these wee faces, I defy you not to.

My sister’s boy Seb giving me a soulful look.

My brother’s boy ringo having a wee snooze.

And my darling boy refusing to get out of bed.

Swallow it down….

June 24, 2015June 24, 2015 ~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 5 Comments

I’m struggling to believe that Jagged Little Pill is twenty years old this month. How can two decades possibly have passed since Alanis first got angry? More importantly how the hell did I get so old?

Jagged little pill has always been special for me. From teenage not quite angst to bonified adult pain, Alanis has had my back. So, I thought I’d pay tribute to an epic album & the journey we’ve been on together.

Let me take you back to the start. I’m 14yrs old & life is good. I have lovely friends, great home life, I do well at school. There is no teenage misery for me. There is however, frustration; a sense of being on the brink of life. I’m beginning to build a picture of what I want from life. I’m challenging some the things I’ve been taught & I don’t feel like my life view is taken seriously. In amongst all the vexation is an excitement. Possibilities are starting to fizz, I am aware of the power of youth & I can’t wait to weild it. I see right through you encapsulated all that I was feeling & I took every opportunity to sing it at the top of my lungs.

Fast forward a few years and I’ve finally extricated myself from an unhealthy relationship. I’m heartbroken & angry. Angry that someone has been so cruel & furious with myself for allowing it. It’s Alanis to the rescue, I am certain I’m not the only woman who played You oughta know at full blast, cried her eyes out & felt a little better.

I had some dark days in my twenties. Dealing with the trauma of miscarriage & resultant depression whilst trying to hold my life together took it’s toll. I became really ill & eventually had to ask for help. The lyrics to Mary Jane really touched a nerve back then. The realisation that I had to admit I wasn’t ok was a hard one, but there was some relief in listening to words I could relate to. It’s amazing how powerful just not feeling alone in your predictament can be.

Anyone who has experienced difficult periods will tell you that it makes you really appreciate good times. When you’re fighting through bleak lows of severe depression the first glimpses of being ok are beautiful. The relief of finding that right now in this minute you are content makes you want to sing & dance. Hand in my pocket is the perfect tune to accompany this feeling. It’s not about joy or any of the big feelings. It just perfectly sums up the sensation of knowing you can make it. It feels good to believe that ‘everything’s gonna be fine fine fine’.

A big part of maintaining happiness is knowing when to put yourself first. I have not always been great at this. Knowing when to say no was a hard lesson to learn, but such a valuable one. Walking away from toxic, all take & no give relationships was like shedding dead weight. Suddenly Not the Dr made so much sense. Reaching the conclusion that I was not responsible for other people’s happiness freed me to enjoy the peope who mattered. Sometimes you have to let go.

You learn is bitter sweet. It signifies getting to a place in my life where I I’d learned from all my trials. It’s nice to feel in control. In an unfortunate twist of fate mastering one set of problems coincided with the onset of others. This song also represents my chronic illness. The notion of a jagged little pill brings to mind both the handfuls of meds I must take & the metaphorical swallowing of hard to digest facts.

After all that serious stuff this post needs a little love. Head over feet celebrates that moment when you know for sure that you’ve picked a good one. There is something wonderful about the kind of love that comes without a fuss. Head over feet is all about the bliss that comes with being with someone who treats you right.

There you have it. Jagged little pill has been my musical friend for many years. There aren’t many thing in life that you love as much at 34 as you did at 13 & this is one. Every time I hear this album I still get all the feels & for me that’s the mark of a classic.

I would be good…..

January 4, 2015January 7, 2015 ~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 2 Comments

So, here it is, the obligatory New Year’s resolution post. I doubt it will surprise anyone to learn that I will not be worrying about any of the dieting bullshit. In fact I shall be trying my best to eschew all negative, body policing type thoughts. My focus shall be on enjoying life & challenging myself in positive ways.

Living with chronic illness can make seizing the moment difficult. Sometimes I really am too sick to do anything, no matter how amazing the opportunity. This year I have decided I will try to be a bit more strategic about my day to day life. I’m hopeful that simple changes such as keeping track of how much sleep I’m getting, taking gentle excercise when I feel up to it & keeping up with my food diary will ease managing my illnesses. I have also resolved to make bigger changes for instance trying a gluten & dairy free diet & pushing my consultants to make a care plan of sorts instead of just constantly adjusting/altering meds. Of course none of these things will cure me, but perhaps a change in diet, being conscious of getting enough rest & so on will improve my symptoms somewhat. At the very least I will feel more in control & I am big on control!

That time of year can be a nightmare for fat folk. Everywhere you look there are diets & fitness regimes. Friends, magazines & celebs alike insisting we must lose any xmas weight gain, pushing us to aspire to a ‘new you’ for a new year. Well, I am hoping for a slightly new me, but it has nothing to do with my weight. I am striving to block it all out completely. I no longer want to think of myself in terms of fat/thin. If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you will know I have already come a long way on the body acceptance trail, now I want to consolidate that. I don’t want to waste energy worrying about weight loss (through ill health) or any future weight gain. My plan is to divest my identity of it’s link to my size. I will be me wether I am a size 22 or 12. My writing, opinions, talents & interests will remain unchanged. This is the message I hope to drive home.

On the challenging front I want to push myself in healthy ways. Instead of berating myself or being
weighed down by guilt, I plan to make it ok for me to be unable to achieve certain things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving myself permission to stagnate. In fact, the opposite, by stretching myself to try things I worry will be too much, I will perhaps surprise myself. However, if I prove unable, I refuse to beat myself up. With a bit of luck this approach may help me extend my freelance work & possibly even branch off in new directions.

Finally, I aim to have as much fun as possible. I will see friends & family as often as I can. Try new activities, even if they scare me or I am rubbish at them! I don’t want to deny myself anything that will make me happy. Be that expensive shoes, a man, a big cake or a day in bed.

2015 is my year to get living.