love

This week I have been mostly…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 1 Comment

Feeling jolly. Yup, I’ve been rocking the Christmas tunes. In my continued quest for a joyuex noel I’ve been playing all the xmassy songs that give me the good feels. 

Ok, let’s get cheesy. Mariah is so not my style, but who doesn’t love her festive offering? I have been singing along & thinking about someone dreamy since my school days. Some of those objects of my affection make me blush to remember. The song, however, remains untarnished. 

You know, I’m not even entirely sure that Mull of Kintyre is a Christmas song, but I always play it at this time of year. Now, maybe it’s because I’m Scottish or perhaps it’s my soft spot for Paul, but it swells my heart. It’s a song that makes me think of home & family & love. I suppose that’s what Christmas means for me.

John Lennon’s Christmas isn’t your standard merry track. It does, however  have that ‘make you think’ quality. I think this tune was probably easier to love in my youth when accomplishments stacked up with ease. These days when I think about what I’ve done in the preceding 12 months I often worry I’ve come up wanting. Nevertheless, it wouldn’t be Xmas with John & sadly his message remains salient. 

I have saved the best for last. Not the most original choice, but one that is dear to my heart. The Pogues & Kirsty McColl’s bittersweet tale of love in the big apple hits my spot. That chorus fills me with seasonal warmth & those lyrics, oh the lyrics.

‘ you took my dreams from me

when I first found you.

I kept them with me babe

I put them with my own 

can’t make it all alone

I’ve built my dreams around you.’

They’re almost enough to make me consider kissing Shane McGowan. 

This week I have been mostly….

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 1 Comment

Feeling sentimental. Sop has been oozing from my very pores. Who can tell what’s brought this on, but it’s certainly influenced my aural choices. 

I’m going to kick off with a tune brought to my attention by a decidedly unsoppy man. This must be the place is such a warm contented song that it always makes me feel a tad melty. Talking Heads’ grown up, understated love song is precisely the style of happily ever after that appeals to me. 

  
I stumbled upon an old Del Amitri cd last week & have been rediscovering their meloncholy magic since. One song in particular has been bringing a lump to throat ; Tell her this  brings to mind that rare moment when you feel ready to let your guard down. I’m careful with my heart and rather slow to trust. So reaching the point where I’m ready to jump is special. I love the sensation when you know you’re both really in it & ‘Tell her this’  embodies that. 

Next up is a singer who has infiltrated my dreams. Damien rice writes the most stunning lyrics. I relate to so many of his beautiful works, but one in particular keeps finding me in my sleep. Accidental Babies is about knowing with absolute certainty who you should be with despite the fact that you’re not together. It’s raw emotion & naked yearning are a punch in the gut. Rice’s description of love, both passionate & ordinary is so real. It’s strange, yet beautiful to discover that a complete stranger has captured your own experience. 

 
Gregory & the Hawk are  my penultimate purveyors of love. Boats and Birds is an ode to adoration. The classic romantic imagery of stars & seas are enchanting. As is the notion of caring for someone else’s happiness before your own. I challenge you to listen to this & not think about the most important person in your life. 
I shall leave you with a masterpiece. No one speaks my heart better than Joni Mitchell & A case of you is my soul in three verses. From the northern star to a partner flowing in your blood, it’s a work of genius. Joni has summed up the power & sadness & mystery of love. I first heard this song when I was 11years old & instantly longed for that strength of feeling. Now as an adult I know both the joys & sorrows of drenching myself in an intoxicating man. My heart remains unaltered, I am still on my feet. 

You’ll be on my mind forever…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 4 Comments

Today always creeps up on me. One minute it’s months away & then it’s here. I dread it’s arrival because I know it will unleash emotions that I try to keep chained up. September 12th would have been my child’s birthday. 

Today should be all presents & cake & surprises. Instead it’s a wound that never entirely heals. Of course life goes on. I live & there is joy, pride, love, but there is always a tinge of sadness. It hurts to miss the milestones & the everyday moments. The pain can catch me unaware & take my breath away. There are times when every aspect of my life feels wrong because this is not how I’d be living with my precious little one. 

  
It’s such an incredible feeling to know there is life inside you. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I knew immediately that I was pregnant. I knew before my period was late & before I took a test. I felt it. It was scary, unplanned, badly timed, but still so right. I became a mother in an instant & that feeling has never left me.

Yes, it’s painful to remember; it also helps. It’s easier for me to acknowledge today. It’s good to talk out loud about the person who changed my life without having a chance to live his. 

If love could have saved you darling, you’d have lived forever. 

Listen…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 5 Comments

I want to talk to you about something that isn’t often discussed. In a world where almost nothing is taboo miscarriage remains an uncomfortable topic. I know from personal experience that friends and family are often unsure how to approach such a loss. A misplaced belief that a mother’s (&her partner’s) privacy must be maintained or worry that bringing up the subject will cause distress can leave a grieving parent feeling isolated. I’d like to open up the subject, share my experience & hopefully change your thoughts on how best to support a friend who has suffered a miscarriage.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to acknowledge a person’s loss. Miscarriage feels like a death, you have lost a life that you created & have already given your heart to. Let your loved one feel that pain out in the open. Treat this grief as you would any other. Send flowers, a sympathy card, be available to listen. Acknowledge that the child who hasn’t made it into our world is real. To feel that those around you care for not only you, but your unborn child is a crucial part of the healing process.

There is no rule book for recovering from miscarriage. Some people need to throw themselves into work or a busy social schedule. Others may require time alone to process what has happened. There is no right way, listen to what your friend tells you they want & support them. Whether that is getting raucously drunk or cuddling them whilst they cry. There are so many complicated emotions attached to losing a child. I felt a crippling guilt. I know others who have felt rage & some people who accepted the loss as part of their path or an act of god. There is no correct way to feel. As irrational as these responses may seem to you, let your friend feel what they feel. Listen, reassure, but never judge. Each person knows what is appropriate for them, respect that.

Miscarriage is a life changing event. Conceiving again does not wipe out the loss. Your unborn baby can’t be replaced. For me a permanent memorial was necessary. Many people need to commemorate their baby. Be it tattoos, planting a tree or a gathering do not shy away from involvment in these acts of love. Allow you friend to carry their child with them.

Don’t assume that miscarriage is best kept secret. In the immediate aftermath & in the years that have followed, I have wanted to talk about my experiences with miscarriage. Sadly, I haven’t always felt that I was allowed to do so. My loss was treated as something that must remain private. Whilst I am sure this attitude was well meaning, it left me unable to express emotions that I felt suffocated by. If your friend, family member, colleague or even a stranger on a bus wants to talk about their miscarriage, please let them. You cannot imagine how freeing it is to let out the tumult of thoughts in your head. 

Miscarriage is not a rare occurrence. Many women will have to find their route through its consequences. This post is based on my personal experience & the consensus of the many women I have known who have had the misfortune to share that experience. Of course there will be parents who have differing views. I can’t speak for everyone. Ultimately you must trust that each indivdual knows what they need & follow their lead. However, I do hope that some what I have written has given you pause for thought. Moreover it’s my wish that my suggestions will ease this painful journey for others.

   

 

 

 

I get by with a little help from my friends…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 3 Comments

Chronic illness can be overwhelming. When every little thing is a struggle it’s hard to remain stoic. In the midst of a severe flare I really have to fight not slip into a morose frame of mind. 

When life is just too hard what keeps me going are all my wonderful people. My incredible friends & family are so supportive. I really couldn’t do it without them. I am a big believer in saying how you feel out loud, so I’m taking a moment to say thank you. Thanks for all the chats, the midnight drives to a&e, advocating for me when I am unable to do it myself, the cuddles, the laughs, the understanding; thank you for the love. 

Not only are my people the best people, they are also a bunch of lookers. Big love, darlings. 

  
   
     

Swallow it down….

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 5 Comments

I’m struggling to believe that Jagged Little Pill is twenty years old this month. How can two decades possibly have passed since Alanis first got angry? More importantly how the hell did I get so old?

  

Jagged little pill has always been special for me. From teenage not quite angst to bonified adult pain, Alanis has had my back. So, I thought I’d pay tribute to an epic album & the journey we’ve been on together. 

Let me take you back to the start.  I’m 14yrs old & life is good. I have lovely friends, great home life, I do well at school. There is no teenage misery for me. There is however, frustration; a sense of being on the brink of life. I’m beginning to build a picture of what I want from life. I’m challenging some the things I’ve been taught & I don’t feel like my life view is taken seriously. In amongst all the vexation is an excitement. Possibilities are starting to fizz, I am aware of the power of youth & I can’t wait to weild it. I see right through you encapsulated all that I was feeling & I took every opportunity to sing it at the top of my lungs. 

Fast forward a few years and I’ve finally extricated myself from an unhealthy relationship. I’m heartbroken & angry. Angry that someone has been so cruel & furious with myself for allowing it. It’s Alanis to the rescue, I am certain I’m not the only woman who played You oughta know at full blast, cried her eyes out & felt a little better. 

I had some dark days in my twenties. Dealing with the trauma of miscarriage & resultant depression whilst trying to hold my life together took it’s toll. I became really ill & eventually had to ask for help. The lyrics to Mary Jane really touched a nerve back then. The realisation that I had to admit I wasn’t ok was a hard one, but there was some relief in listening to words I could relate to. It’s amazing how powerful just not feeling alone in your predictament can be. 

Anyone who has experienced difficult periods will tell you that it makes you really appreciate good times. When you’re fighting through bleak lows of severe depression the first glimpses of being ok are beautiful. The relief of finding that right now in this minute you are content makes you want to sing & dance. Hand in my pocket is the perfect tune to accompany this feeling. It’s not about joy or any of the big feelings. It just perfectly sums up the sensation of knowing you can make it. It feels good to believe that  ‘everything’s gonna be fine fine fine’.

A big part of maintaining happiness is knowing when to put yourself first. I have not always been great at this. Knowing when to say no was a hard lesson to learn, but such a valuable one. Walking away from toxic, all take & no give relationships was like shedding dead weight. Suddenly Not the Dr made so much sense. Reaching the conclusion that I was not responsible for other people’s happiness freed me to enjoy the peope who mattered. Sometimes you have to let go. 

You learn is bitter sweet. It signifies getting to a place in my life where I  I’d learned from all my trials. It’s nice to feel in control. In an unfortunate twist of fate mastering one set of problems coincided with the onset of others. This song also represents my chronic illness. The notion of a jagged little pill brings to mind both the handfuls of meds I must take & the metaphorical swallowing of hard to digest facts. 

After all that serious stuff this post needs a little love. Head over feet celebrates that moment when you know for sure that you’ve picked a good one. There is something wonderful about the kind of love that comes without a fuss. Head over feet is all about the bliss that comes with being with someone who treats you right. 

There you have it. Jagged little pill has been my musical friend for many years. There aren’t many thing in life that you love as much at 34 as you did at 13 & this is one. Every time I hear this album I still get all the feels & for me that’s the mark of a classic. 

Thank you for the days….

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 3 Comments

Saying goodbye to my wonderful little muffin has been very difficult. It’s impossible to say how much I miss the girl. Normal blog service will be resumed, but in the mean time here’s another week in pictures. Night’s out with my favourite man, selfies with girl, my family, my city & my puss cat. I hope you see as much beauty in these images as I do. 

   
           

If you enjoy these snaps of my life you can catch more on my Insta.

You can also see more of my writing on a variety of topics in the excellent Swag Guide.

Such a perfect day…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

I love a wedding. I love them even more when I adore the couple getting hitched. So, I was pretty excited about my big brother’s big day. I really wanted to go all out & look fantastic, I think I might just have pulled it off. 

I went retro. I found a beautiful swing dress that is absolutely perfect on my curves. I then enrolled a professional to give my hair & face an amazing 50’s makeover. I felt wonderful. 

  
It was a perfect day. The sun shone, the champagne flowed & love was in the air. Having our niece & oldest brother home from Australia made the day even more special. My cheeky little muffin could not resist popping into my blog shoot.

  
  
Dress – Lindy Bop

Shoes – Irregular Choice

Shrug – Monsoon

Hair & Make Up – Bombshell Betty’s (@BBsGlasgow)

No wedding post would be complete with the happy couple. So, here they are, the handsome brother & his stunning bride.

  
  

Upgrade Yourself

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 5 Comments

Recently, something has been getting on my wick. It started a few weeks ago when I overheard some boys talking on a bus. They were discussing their weekend exploits & one boy said that he’d pulled a certain girl. One of his mates said ‘ but, she’s fat’ to which the original lad replied that fat girls let you do anything. Much laughter ensued. Those pathetic fat girls are just so funny. Succumbing to any sexual pressure because no one else might ever want them ha ha ha

Ever since then I’ve been noticing the fat jokes more. Comedians, films, Facebook, they’re everywhere. All basically saying the same thing; fat women are not sexy. People only sleep with us because they’re desperate or for a bet or because we’ll be so incredibly grateful we will forget how to say no.

FUCK THAT

I am sexy. Men (& women) desire me. I am chatted up rather a lot actually. I have dated extensively. Some of the folk I’ve been with were seriously hot and shock horror, they thought I was hot too. 

  

My sex life is fantastic. I have all the agency & choice of my thinner sisters. I have never felt thankful that someone deigned to fuck me. I would have nothing to do with a person who entertained such notions. 

I am smart, passionate,weird & smoking hot. People are attracted to me for all those reasons. I’m a whole person with lots to offer & so are you. I want fat girls to know that your romantic/sexual life will be no different from anyone else’s. Do not let popular culture’s representation of fat get under your skin. You will meet arseholes & sweethearts. They will come on all shapes & sizes. You will have amazing sex & really quite bad sex. People will love you. People will find you utterly beautiful. 

You do not have settle. Do not put up with anyone who makes you feel less than. You deserve love, passion, companionship & fun. Believe me, you will get it. 

Now, take a deep breath & get out there. 

  

If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.

Mamma Mia….

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 2 Comments

With Mother’s Day fast approaching I wanted to take a little time to honour the amazing woman who is my Mum. 

With parents usually being our biggest early influences an awesome mother goes a long way in creating an awesome woman. I am lucky enough to have just such motherly figure. From the very beginning she taught me that I had strength, power & choice. Leading by example my Mum raised four children before returning to work & forging a successful career. In doing so she proved  that women need not be just one thing. All choices are valid & none are final. 

My Mum takes control, she speaks her mind & she owns her opinions. Growing up with a woman like this allowed me not to be cowed. The fact that I could always rely on her support & acceptance allowed me to grow into the person I am. She instilled the confidence in me to not only be who I want to be, but to be vocal & unashamed about it. I doubt my Mum would describe herself as a feminist, but she certainly helped forge the radical feminist I have become. 

Basically, my Mum is amazing. She is glamorous, independent, funny, loyal & supportive. Above all, she is always there. I can rely on her to be there for my disasters & triumphs. I know she will always be fighting in my corner. 



I love you, Mum. Thank you. 

If your Mum is also one in a million, don’t forget to spoil her this Mother’s Day. Why not enter Parkdean’s Mother’s Day competition & win a relaxing break for your fabulous Mum.