overwhelming

Something’s gotten hold of my heart…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

As I have mentioned, more than once, I having been some extra health issues. Yesterday I saw my GP and she gave me some answers. Unfortunately they were neither want I expected or wanted them to be.

It seems that long covid has become permanent a more of a problem. The tachycardia and breathlessness that I have been experiencing since having covid in Oct 2020 have been significantly worse over the last few months. I am breathless after a few steps. My head spins the minute I stand up. I faint daily. My heart tries to burst out of my body and my chest hurts. All the time. In the past when I felt like this it has been related to aneamia & b12 deficiency. I have had lots of issues with really low haemoglobin and although I never get to ‘normal’ my bloods aren’t dangerously low at the moment. We did a bunch of treatment, but I didn’t feel any different. I had some more tests, kept a symptom diary and recorded my heart rate a few times a day. My GP’s conclusion is that covid has damaged my heart function.

She is fairly certain that I have some kind of heart arrhythmia or PoTS. The prospect of neither fills me with joy; PoTS in particular is very frightening. I have been referred to cardiology and more tests will ensue. I really expected these issues to be related to existing conditions. It was a shock to be presented with a possible new diagnosis. The thought of these symptoms not improving or even worsening is overwhelming. I have enough health problems. I don’t need anymore.

All of this to say two things. Covid is no joke. Even if you get through the initial illness ok, there is no telling what it will do to your body. Please don’t pretend this pandemic is over. There are still huge communities that of sick and disabled people who are high risk. Even healthy people can be really badly effected. Wear a mask, keep your distance, wash your hands! None of these things are hard to do. And, I am feeling scrambled. I don’t know how to process this new information. Physically I am a mess. I’m very apprehensive of what is to come & my head is all over the place. So, please bear with me if things get inconsistent around here.

close up of ly’s face wearing brightly coloured mas and thick black glasses

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This week I have mostly been…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves ~ 5 Comments

Spoonie life can be tough. Meds only do so much, which means you have to discover your own coping strategies. 

Music is one of the things that helps me when my symptoms are unmanageable. Specifically, I like to lie in a completely dark room & play loud soothing music. I try to imagine the room flooding with the sound & let it wash over me. Obviously i am attracted to beautiful music, but for me, I’ve always needed lyrics that speak to me too. In particular I gravitate towards songs that express emotions I am wrapped up in. 

All of this leads me to introduce some new content. I hope  to regularly share with you the tunes that are easing my path. 

This last week has been dominated by women. My choices have been perhaps a little sombre, but that also have a dreamy quality. Without further ado, this week I have mostly been listening to,

I have no idea why it has taken me so long to find Laura Marling, but I am so glad I did. I heard this song, Darkness Descends, in a hospital waiting room & had to shazam it. The lyrics seemed designed for me, as though someone had climbed into my head & taken notes. This song is the musical embodiment  of autum. When I listen to this I feel like I’m wandering out in the crisp, fresh chill of a perfect September day & that’s a nice escape from reality. 

  
Next up is a bewitching offering from an old favourite. Firewood by Regina Spector sounds so gentle, but is really a rousing kick in the arse. With chronic illness there are times when life is too hard. In the midst of a flare when you feel horrendous every moment of every day, you can start think it’s just not worth it. Firewood is basically saying I know it hurts, I know it’s impossible, but you’re still breathing & you have to live. Spector manages to articulate this message without being patronising or dismissive. I love it. 

Spanish Harlem is a song I’ve been playing since childhood. It’s a tune that always made me feel bright & breezy. Rebecca Pidgeon’s version takes it to a new level. The tone of her voice & the more floaty arrangement is lush. I also like the gender switch, these words sung by a woman have a much less possessive feel.

This week’s final earwig is Lana Del Rey’s treatment of Once Upon A Dream. I first heard this when I took my niece to see Cinderella & haven’t been able to get it out of my head. The original Disney version is too sickly sweet for me, but Lana’s dark & twisty take gives me all the feels. This song perfectly fits my brief; it allows me to feel totally immersed in the music.