real life

Ordinary pain…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

Pain is a curious beast. Its purpose is to protect us. Our own built in warning system; something that compels us to take our hand out of the fire or call a doctor. The whole point of pain is to give us a message that we don’t ignore. That is until something goes wrong. Then ignoring pain becomes your life mission. 

Chronic pain is impossible to accurately describe. If you haven’t experienced it, you can never understand. All our lives we’re taught to report pain. The expectation being that you find the problem and there will be a solution. You graze your knee, your mum puts germolene on & kisses it better. You break a bone, you get a cast & it heals. Now with vigilance we can even hope to survive life threatening illness. We are a society awash with information; what foods we should eat, how often & how to move our bodies, how much sleep, water, sunlight are optimal. Our collective consciousness is set to believe that if we do the right things we can prevent illness and if something still goes wrong we can fix it. When that doesn’t happen, you’re stuck in a void. Physically, you are ill, but psychologically you must find a way to override it. 

 I am awoken most mornings by pain. I average about 4hrs sleep and rising from my bed is a fainting hazard. Every step I take hurts. My digestive system is best described as erratic and my autonomic processes are haywire. Thus I spend my days dizzy, sore, nauseated, exhausted and unable to regulate my temperature. That combination would bring most people to a standstill. You’d call the Dr, take the day off and you’d be right. But it’s everyday for me and Drs can’t help. I can’t ‘call in sick’ from life. I’m left with the challenge of learning how to turn off my body’s alarm system. 

Unfortunately, you can’t. It isn’t possible to stop the pain. Chronically ill people just have to do it anyway. The only alternative to missing my entire life is to do as much as I can despite the pain. It takes a lot of work to rewire one’s natural responses. Then even more work to decipher how far you can push. A huge amount of planning is involved. There are calculations required for every single thing I want to do. Firstly the practical: 

I always try to schedule my days. I estimate in advance how much impact each activity will have on my body. Then aportion rest days accordingly. Not just big days, but daily essentials like housework or showering. I attempt to judge how much I can handle and how long a recovery period I will require. 

The next step is planning. Before I go anywhere I check various things. Will there be places I can sit down, do they have disabled toilets, can I access water & food I can eat? Then I figure out my condition that particular day. Is my stomach behaving? Will it be safe to eat when I am out or am I likely to vomit. Am I especially dizzy? How safe is the location if I faint? Can I physically manage the walking distances involved?  And so on and so forth. 

The last stage of practicalities is symptom management. Medication selection, will I require more than meds for pain relief, do I need to take food or water. What clothes will keep me most comfortable? Items that won’t increase pain, will be cool enough if I overheat, but easy to carry layers to guard against the cold if necessary. Maybe I need cooling spray or my tens machine. How many of these things can I actually carry? All must be weighed up before I step foot out of the house.

Preparations complete, now comes the really tricky bit. It’s time to manage my mind. This part is entirely in my hands. There are no guaranteed techniques. One can see pain specialists, psychologists and research til the cows come home, but you can only know what works via trial and error. One of my conditions, Fibromyalgia, impacts the way the central nervous system processes pain. Sometimes my nerves send pain signals to my brain that are way out of proportion. I can have pain anywhere or everywhere for no discernible reason. The only way to function is to override that pain. I can’t stop feeling it, but I can attempt to alter how I react to it. 

My first line of defence is what I call ‘mind over matter’. I focus only on the very next thing to be done. Nothing else exists. For example, I must get to the seat up ahead. I don’t think about which parts of me hurt. No lingering on the sensations I am experiencing. I do not consider what comes after the seat. I keep my eyes on my target, keep moving and tell myself I can rest when the task is complete. This theory can be applied to anything. Brush my teeth, finish the paragraph, get to the end of the driveway. The reward of rest awaits me. 

In bouts of extreme pain I opt for deception. When I have tried every pain relief method at my disposal to no avail, I lie to myself. I close my eyes and repeat ‘I’m ok’. It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it can con my body out of panic. Panic makes pain worse. The body tenses & heart races. Calmly telling myself that I am ok repeatedly can override the fear coursing through my body. The pain may be unbearable, but I won’t stop the repetition. I will bear it. 

Distraction can be of use in various forms. Really loud music is a rudimentary diversion. As is cold water/ice or projected light. Basically I bombard my brain with stimuli in the hope of distracting from the pain. It’s a trick, sometimes it offers temporary relief. My other interruption tactic requires the help of others. I need someone to talk to me. A steady stream of words without my participation. Don’t ask me questions or wait for a response, simply give me a voice & a narrative to focus on. I’m not sure why but it has a calming effect. I don’t take in everything that is being said. I merely zone in on the voice and try not to think about anything else. It doesn’t stop the pain, but it somehow helps me manage it. 

My last ditch effort is comparison. I recall a time when my pain was worse. I remind myself that I got through that. The pain did eventually end. If it passed before, it will pass now. I endeavour to remember all the details. Where I was, what I wore, the smells, sounds, what my eyes rested on, the sensations of needles piercing my skin, the names of medical professionals, were they kind or rude, how long I waited, did I lie down and every other particular. Eventually, reaching the point when the agony began to subside. I strive with all my might to recollect that sensation; the incredible relief of pain beginning to melt. I hold tight to the belief that it will come again.

And there you have it, the tools in my box. Of course none of them actually leave me pain free and they’re all exhausting. It takes enormous energy to pre-empt every move and even more to employ these strategies whilst already in pain. At the worst moments they don’t have any impact at all. There are times when my body is excruciating. The pain so all encompassing that there is no escape. On those days I am beaten. I stay still and hope for it to be over. That’s the real truth of chronic pain; there’s no getting away from it.

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

Still…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

I’m doing well. I really am. When I compare with my previous self there is no doubt that I’m in a much better place. Still, no matter how well I become, the devil on my shoulder remains.

That devil is destruction. Self destruction. Sometimes just flashes; a momentary thought of blood or blades. Other times I experience the deepest longing to ravage my skin. My reaction to pain is still, more often that I would like, the desire for more pain. Not the same kind of pain. A pain I can control. I have worked at working myself out. Learning healthy coping strategies, questioning myself, pinning down what I feel and why have been an ongoing process for decades. I am better. I haven’t self harmed in a very long time. I still want to, though.

Not everyday. Not in the compulsive ‘can’t think about anything else until it is done way’. I don’t berate myself for not cutting or create a mandatory timetable. That is gone. I have conquered that aspect of my demon. My problem is, the underlying urge never really goes away. In times of trouble my mind thinks it knows what will ‘help’. I suppose it’s like being an alcoholic. There will always be days when one really wants a drink, except in my case it’s a scalpel, not a bottle I want to reach for. The weird bit is that these thoughts aren’t reserved for awful days. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, a wave of craving will hit me. Honestly, my toolbox isn’t particularly helpful in those instances. It is very difficult to reason with a nonsensical ghost in your head. I’m left with sheer determination & an awareness of how slippery the slope is.

Strangely, I rarely hear anyone talk about this. There is much discussion about the warning signs for self harm, the damage it causes and how to stop. There is even information on how to treat wounds and hide scars. It’s all very much a before and after narrative. People are sick and then they recover. As I’m sure you’re aware, very few things are ever that simple. We generally understand the complex nature of addiction and mental illness. For example, much work has been done to educate people on eating disorders. Most people know how difficult they are to manage and recover from. It’s generally understood that people are not concretely cured. It is a process that involves relapses and continuous effort. Disordered eating becomes compulsive and corrupts thought patterns. Often nothing is as important as maintaining the disease. Likewise substance abuse takes over a person. The priority becomes obtaining the substance of choice. Whilst no one thinks that’s good or healthy, we do understand that people don’t want to be controlled by an illness. These are topics that are commonly discussed; we have compassion and celebrate those who have worked towards recovery. Not so for self harm.

Self harm is still taboo. There isn’t really any mainstream discourse of its realities. No one is making serious documentaries or accurate media portrayals. Celebrities aren’t telling stories of how they won their battle with self harm in the way they regularly do regarding addiction, eating disorders or issues like anxiety. The latter are viewed as brave and inspiring, self harm is still seen as disturbing. Even talk of relapse or the ongoing nature of recovery are received positively, but discussions like I had above is very much in the ‘crazy’ category for most. Despite the fact that statistics show the prevalence of ED & SH are fairly similar and that they share many commonalities, the public perception is very different. Even years into ‘recovery’ it frustrates me. The stigma sticks. I can carry the weight of other people’s judgement now. That wasn’t always the case and it won’t be for many still in the throes of illness. The fear of the judgement creates an impediment to seeking help. That delay is extremely dangerous. So, yes, I’m still talking about this because hardly anyone else is. I don’t believe people get better in silence and I think it helps to be prepared for what better might actually look like.

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

The Biggest Liar…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

On Saturday I might I watched The Biggest Loser. I didn’t really want to, I knew it would infuriate me and I was correct.

I never watched The Biggest Loser when it was showing. Not because I knew better, at the time I was very much steeped in diet culture & self loathing. It just wasn’t available on whatever tv channels I had at the time. So, for me, this was the first time seeing clips of the show. I felt rage, sadness and an overwhelming urge to intervene. The abuse those people were subjected to is appalling. Sadly I remember how commonplace that was at the time. I completely understand why the contestants signed up for this public humiliation.

For me, the documentary went way too easy on those involved in creating this programme. Right off the bat, Bob Harper (one of the show trainers) claims that he regrets nothing he did on The Biggest Loser. No one takes any real responsibility for the fact that they caused real and lasting harm. The film makers allow the producers, trainers and show Dr to dodge accountability with pathetic excuses. I felt that the documentary ultimately reinforced the message of the show; the ends justify the means.

The creators of The Biggest Loser (BL) admit that they purposely used sensationalist tactics to attract attention. They knew the connotations of the name and played on it. They wanted people to tune in thinking they could judge these ‘fat losers’. They encouraged the trainers to be outrageous, they wanted contestants to throw up, cry etc. They knew the vile ‘challenges’ were cruel and unnecessary, but it made good television. They excused this exploitation by claiming that they were improving people’s health. In other words, all was acceptable in the name of thin. Everyone involved knew they were hurting people. Dr Robert Huizenga, the programme’s medical advisor told them so. He claimed that he regularly met with the trainers to explain his recommendations. He also admitted he was aware that they ignored him; they cut the calorific intake to dangerous levels and over trained people to the point of injury. Dr Huizenga tries to paint himself as caring medical professional who was helpless in his attempts to prevent harm. In reality he had a duty of care, he should have left the show and reported the dangerous practices. He could have stopped taking their money and spoken out at any time. He didn’t, he continued to profit from damaging fat people. Not only the people on the show, but all fat people who were impacted by the message of the BL.

That gist of that message was that fat people are lazy and gross. The ‘temptation’ challenges reinforced the idea that fat people can’t control themselves. The cruelty of those challenges is ignored in the discussion, the participants were forced to choose between gorging on ‘junk food’ or missing visits with their families. The footage included in the documentary shows participants crying whilst eating pizza slices; their suffering was entertainment. The show revelled in degrading the fat competitors. Tasks that made them build food towers with their mouths, trainers screaming, participants set against each other. Placing people on extreme diets, working them past exhaustion daily and then capturing their disputes and meltdowns on camera is repulsive. Worse still is the soul destroying message the trainers rammed home. Once the abuse was concluded they would tell participants that it was for their own good. I only shouted because I care about you, I knew you could do it, I didn’t want you to give up. Then the nail in the coffin, ‘don’t make me have to do that again’. The lesson to the participants and the viewing public? This is your fault. It’s your fault you are fat. It’s your fault you don’t apply yourself. It’s your fault that I had to abuse you.

All of this aside, the BL’s main claim, that they were improving lives, was obviously not true. Even if weight loss was a magic cure all, their process was clearly unsustainable. No one can live on 600-800 calories p/d forever. People with jobs, families and lives cannot train for 8hrs a day, everyday. It doesn’t take a genius to conclude that as soon as participants return to their regular life, they will gain weight. I have partaken in enough crash dieting to know how quickly the weight returns. One of the former contestants in the documentary talked of how he asked the BL to set up aftercare and was denied. Other contestants reached out to seek help for injuries sustained on the show and were ignored. Cut to a producer explaining that they didn’t have the budget for aftercare. Plus he didn’t think it was their responsibility. They were making a tv show; what happened after wasn’t their business. Meanwhile we learn the BL franchise earned billions. They licensed their name to every product you can imagine. Further exploiting vulnerable people desperate to lose weight. It was a cash grab and fat people were paying for it.

The only entirely critical voice in the documentary is fat activist, Aubrey Gordon. Her contributions are insightful and impactful. Alas, there was not nearly enough of her. Even the former BL contestants who were critical of the show were still heartbreakingly steeped in fat phobia. They were still seeking weight loss, still blaming themselves and still felt they weren’t good enough. The evidence of the consequence of extreme dieting was somewhat skimmed over. Studies on broken metabolism, life threatening conditions and even Bob Harper’s heart attack are treated as incidental. They place no importance on the fact that a man who adhered to the supposed ideal diet and lifestyle had a massive heart attack at 52. As if that information doesn’t disprove the central argument of The Biggest Loser.

The documentary concluded with more diet culture propaganda. They give obesity stats without ever mentioning that those numbers are based on BMI. A measurement that has been conclusively proven to be inaccurate. It’s a non scientific, racist scale. The documentary makers allow the show creators, trainers and Dr to claim good intent and even positive results. Their hearts were in the right place, they say. They made some people thin. Damn the ramifications. After all, anything is better fat.

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

5 things I liked in April…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

April has been a very up & down month. Lots of really lovely time spent with my littles & their people. Also, an equal amount of time despairing at current events & struggling with mood dips.

I have coined the name ‘Depression Light’ for this state. It’s not deepest, darkest agony. More of an ugh that makes everything feel a bit futile. I am generally anxious and really not sleeping well. Sometimes it’s the little things that keep you afloat. These have been my buoyancy aids this month.

Spring Lambs

Taking my niblings to see the newborn lambs at a Farm Park was very life affirming. Watching the kids pet the baby lambs & their Mums was really wonderful. I even got a wee snuggle in myself. We learned that most sheep have twins, some have triplets & even rarely have quads. Imagine having all those little legs inside you? Animals are incredible. They mostly give birth all on their own and their babies are up on their precious little legs within 20mins. All that & they are adorable.

Iron Strawberry

My silly body doesn’t properly digest iron. To combat the resultant anemia I have occasional iron infusions and daily iron supplements. My liquid iron came in a revolting mint chocolate flavour. It did not taste at all like chocolate. The best description I can give of the flavour is a gritty, oily minty nightmare. I did not enjoy swallowing a spoon of it twice a day. The arrival of this month’s prescription brought a partial reprieve; strawberry flavoured iron! Honestly, it doesn’t taste good, but it is not the horror show of the minty choc. Small victories.

Vinyl Bonding

One of the things my niece requested for Xmas was a record player. She’s 15 and very into all things retro. It came as quite a shock that most the retro she’s loving hails from my hey day. Once I got over how old that made me, I have been loving introducing her to classics from my youth. Turns out we have similar musical tastes. I have been loving sending her old albums and the long FaceTimes we have to discuss them. I was worried that I’d lose my cool auntie status once she hit high school. Alanis Morrisette, Jeff Buckley and our joint penchant for saying it how it is might just buy me another few years.

The ‘Beautiful’ Game

A funny thing happened whilst I was doing some research for a piece. The piece was on football culture, I am familiar as an observer. I grew up in the West Of Scotland surrounded by football fanatics. I know a bit about football culture. I don’t however enjoy the game. It bores the life out of me. However, during my research I discovered something I unexpectedly love. Stick to Football, is a podcast (it’s filmed too) where ex footballers talk about football. Except they stray from the topic and it’s hilarious. Especially Roy Keane. I doubt I could have told you who he was a few months ago, I am now a bonafide fan. I do have to fast forward when they get bogged down in tactics and players I’ve never heard of, but I still look forward to a new weekly episode. I even ended up reading both of Keane’s books. Those close to me find it hilarious that I, the vocal hater, am an avid watcher of something with football in the title. Hey, you can’t help what you love.

Comfort Reads

Whenever I’m feeling down I turn to literature for comfort. When my insomnia starts acting up I need a steady stream of familiar favourites. This month I have been re reading some of my most loved novels. Jane Austen is a go to, I love sinking into her world. I started the month with Persuasion & am finishing it off with Mansfield Park. You can’t beat a clever woman getting the happy ending she deserves. Also at the ready was Barbara Trapido. The Travelling Hornplayer holds a special place in my heart. I found it at a difficult time and it has brought me peace on every read. It even partly inspired one of my tattoos. Trapido weaves intricate stories with overlapping characters. A truly beautiful writer. Her only flaw being the focus on middle class/oxbridge set, but the storytelling is so good that I can forgive it. Finally, I sought refuge in Carrie Fisher. Fisher was the first writer whose words expressed my experience of mental illness. She was a genius; no one on the planet ever wrote like her. This month I choose Delusions of Grandma & Surrender the Pink, but I suspect I’ll be diving into her catalogue again in May.

What gets you through?

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

You keep making me ill…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

It gives me zero pleasure to say, but my concerns about the current government have proved to be correct. In the last few weeks I have watched aghast as Labour MPs have announced plans to gut disability benefits. Watching Wes Streeting boast about enacting Tory policies was a sickening confirmation of how far his party has fallen.

It is exhausting to repeatedly repudiate the narrative politicians spin about disabled people. However, it seems it is again necessary. I’d like to give you a simple run down on why Labour’s proposed cuts are wrong. Hopefully I can also dispel the lies they are telling to defend them.

Let’s start with what Personal Independence Payment (PIP) actually is. It is a benefit payable to those with a severe disability. It is not an out of work benefit. Nor is it means tested. The purpose of PIP is to mitigate the extra costs that come with disability and/or longterm illness. The latest stats show that the average extra cost for a disabled person is £975 p/m. Compare that to the maximum PIP payment of £737 p/m and it becomes clear that no one is living the high life via disability benefits. There are many people in receipt of PIP who do work. Those who don’t are unable to.

Labour plans are to freeze the payment (stop increases to keep up with inflation) and tighten the qualifying criteria. Their contention being that too many people receive PIP due it being too easy to qualify. They also push the idea that there are many people receiving benefit who do not need it. Labour is continuing where the Tories left off with targeting one of our most vulnerable populations. Welfare recipients and disabled people in particular are an easy target.

The assertion that it’s too easy to qualify for PIP is ridiculous. Let me be clear, no one without an official diagnosis is receiving disability benefits. Successfully applying for PIP is an incredibly onerous endeavour. The process requires extensive disclosures, evidence and the support of medical professionals. The system already purposely discriminates against those with mental illness. Alarmingly, Labour MPs are making a lot of noise about the rise in those out of work due to mental illness; giving a big hint as to who they may go after. Expert medical opinion is already ignored when it comes to work capability assessments. Our previous government destroyed lives with denials and unnecessary reassessments. Many of which were over turned by appeal. The problem for disabled people is the toll this process takes. Applying or appealing a decision is exhaustive and intrusive. The process strips applicants of dignity, applies incredible stress and often makes people sicker. The DWP routinely reject applications from people they know qualify. What Labour mean when they say they want to make us harder to qualify is that they knowingly want to deny essential help to people who absolutely need it. The DWP’s own findings assess the fraud rate for PIP at 0%. There is no evidence to suggest that anyone is taking advantage of disability benefits. Removing PIP will not encourage people back into work. Those who are unable to work will not be cured. Those awaiting treatment will not magically jump to the head of NHS queues. Those who would like to work, but cannot find an employer to meet their accommodation needs will be in the same position. The sick and disabled are not the cause of the UK’s financial problems. Nor is it within their power to alter their situation in life. Our government know this and still choose to make cuts to a life saving benefit.

What Labour have become under Keir Starmer is shameful. The PR campaign for their benefit cuts will further stigmatise a group merely trying to survive. Starmer & friends are too cowardly to tackle the rich with tax increases, closing tax loopholes and similar policies. Thus they turn the might of the government and sections of the media against the group least able to fight back. They do this fully aware of the consequences. Disabled people will die.

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

I walk the line…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

I’ve needed my walking stick for quite a long time. Maybe 7 or 8 years and I’ve only just become properly comfortable with it. Using a mobility aid, especially earlier in life, is very strange. Everyone has an opinion. No one is shy about sharing it.

All the questions and reactions definitely had an impact on me. I feel self conscious more often than one might expect. I hate when strangers want my medical history. Staring makes me feel shit or angry; sometimes both. I am so fed up with being told I’m so young for a walking stick. I find it really difficult to need accommodations. I feel like a real pain in the arse more often than anyone else is bothered. Likewise, I’m sure I sense judgement more than it actually exists. All of which messes with the confidence.

Then of course there is a sense of loss. Accepting all the things you can no longer do is hard. I struggled on without a stick for longer than I should have because I had this ridiculous idea that I was giving in. I’ve always felt a certain amount of pressure to be stoic in the face of my health issues. A walking stick felt like capitulation. It also forced me across the line in my head of admitting that I was permanently disabled. Before that I was hanging on to the idea that my knee could get better. That was silly considering I’d been assured by more than one Dr that it absolutely would not. Degenerative conditions aren’t known for improvement.

All told, it’s been trickier than I’ve let on. I’ve finally found peace. How do I know? I have personalised my stick. The idea of making it in any way decorative used to make me feel queasy. I have concluded that my subconscious attached styling the stick with it being part of my identity. The way I dress has always reflected my personality. Until very recently including my walking stick in that was a frightening prospect.

Klimt Style

I’m over the line again. If I’m taking the bloody thing every where it might as well be a bit funky. Keep your eyes peeled for new incarnations. Knowing me, I’ll be mixing up it.

Moo Style

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A fool for your stockings…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

I’ve been bogged down in the day to day of late. Very little excitement. Lots of drudge. This time of year tends to be a bit like this for me.

The miserable weather makes me want to hunker down a little. This results in me kicking about the house in my comfies much of the time. Every now and then I need a wee treat to remind me it’s fun to put an outfit together. This month’s push were these amazing snag tights.

I love snags. There is nothing worse than constantly having to haul your tights up & snags don’t budge. This pair is a fine wool, so cosy without being bulky. I think they look adorable with this dress & t-shirt. Probably even better with a slinky wee evening number. Should I ever embark on a night out again I’ll be sure to give them a bash.

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

Lies and Distractions…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

Just when I thought Keir Starmer was the most rage inducing Labour politician, Tony Blair popped his head out of whatever luxury hole he currently resides in. He decided that we all needed to hear his ableist and stigmatising opinions.

This statement is vile in a number of ways. Blair’s wilful ignorance will contribute to rising disability hate. There is no excuse for someone in his position to feed the right wing ‘scrounger’ narrative. I feel compelled to clear some things up.

Self Diagnosis

There is one reason and one reason only that there has been a rise in ‘self diagnosis’. That is inability to access mental health services. NHS waiting lists are long and actually getting a referral in the first place is laborious. Many people are instead directed to online resources and/or NHS helplines. Those who make it onto a waiting list may still have battles ahead. Most patients are offered a short course of CBT*, a modality that is not suitable for everyone and is often counterproductive. Those struggling to deal with mental illness are not researching symptoms and looking for a diagnosis for the hell of it. They do so because they are desperate. They are not adequately supported by professionals and are driven to find their own answers.

Disability Benefits Bill

Let me be clear, no one without an official diagnosis is receiving disability benefits. Successfully applying for these benefits (PIP, DLA, ESA or ADP**) is an incredibly onerous endeavour. The process requires extensive disclosures, evidence and the support of medical professionals. The system already purposely discriminates against those with mental illness. The criteria are designed to exclude symptoms and difficulties experienced by those with common mental illness like depression or anxiety. Many people with a professional diagnosis and treatment input from psychiatric services are denied these benefits. There is zero chance of someone just saying they have a condition and being approved.

Gaming the System

Implying that large numbers of people are illegitimately claiming benefits is dangerous and inaccurate. Fraud rates for disability benefits are very low. In fact, there is a higher percentage of claimants being underpaid. The application process is exhaustive. It is intentionally stressful and intimidating. Assessors frequently over ride expert medical opinion despite being unqualified to evaluate the conditions claimants have. Vast numbers of claims are rejected only to be overturned on appeal. Contrary to the current narrative, disabled people are often denied support they are entitled to.

***

Scapegoats

Disabled people make great scapegoats. We are one of the most vulnerable demographics. Often with little emotional or physical resources to fight the bureaucracy. We have been subject to harsh conditions since the beginning of austerity. Research from the University of York found that the impact of cuts to social & healthcare were linked to over 57,000 more deaths than expected between 2010 – 2014 alone. The perception that disability benefits are easily scammed and so costly as to damage the economy further endangers us. In 2023/2004 multiple regions in the UK recorded their highest number of disability hate crimes. Being scapegoated by those in positions of power is nothing new. The Tories have been using us as a distraction from their disastrous policies and corruption for years. To have Labour join in is a tough blow. I didn’t have high hopes for this government, but this page from the Conservative playbook is still alarming. Yes, I know that Blair is not a member of our government, but he does still hold sway within the party. His comments will absolutely be associated with Labour.

Disabled people are not to blame for the crisis in our health service. The UK has been experiencing a swell in both physical and mental illness for a number of years. This is as a result of deteriorating public services and a drop in quality of life. The pandemic played a part, but the biggest culprits are our political leaders. It disgusting that the trend of pointing the finger at a vulnerable group to distract from the reality of governmental failures is set to continue.

* Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

** Personal Independence Payment. Disability Living Allowance. Employment and Support Allowance. Adult Disability Payment.

*** Department of Works & Pensions

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

Put on a dress, make it a blue one…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

It’s a new year and I have a two new favourites. Both were Xmas presents and I am in love.

My new favourite dress is t shirt dress with a twist. This makes it incredibly comfortable and easy to wear. With the bonus of making my curves look banging. If it is available in other colours/prints, I am buying all of them!

Dress – Asos

My second fav are these wonderful jammies. They are so soft and wonderfully comfy. The fold down waist allows me to accommodate my belly comfortably at even its most extreme pcos bloat. Plus I look cute in them. I honestly would wear them everyday if I could.

Pyjamas – Next

I’ve had a slow start to January, so the jammies have had more wear than the dress. I’m gearing up now, so more fun outfits are coming soon.

If you like what I do you can support me on Patreon.

Another year over & what have we done…

~ somethinginthewayshemoves

No doubt everywhere you look you’re seeing lists of achievements, New Year’s resolutions and diet talk. Of course, I am here to interrupt all that bullshit.

For starters, you are not required to have a list of great successes. Some years are a hard slog. We all have different obstacles. For that matter we also have different goals and aspirations. Some folk are happy with their status quo and that is perfectly fine. If you’re worrying about your wins not being big or plentiful enough, please don’t. You made it & that’s enough. I don’t care if you didn’t get a big promotion or a new house, you did do every single day. You took care of yourself (& anyone else you’re responsible for), you paid the bills & made the dinners. You were also there for people in your life, you celebrated birthdays and talked through tough times. You are important, you matter in your everyday life. In the words of Self Esteem, ‘all the days you get to have are big days’. So congratulations, you have completed another turn around the sun. I’m certain you’ve had more impact than you know.

Let’s move along to the resolutions. If there are things you want to do by all means set a goal, make a plan. However, you are not obligated to change or become ‘better’ just because we entered a new year. Chances are you already have a whole heap of stuff piled on your plate. Perhaps you’re struggling to digest all that last year brought. Or maybe you’re half through a project or plan. It’s all good. Jan 1st doesn’t really signify anything. Just keep going.

Finally we come to my most disliked new year pressure; weight loss. You are going to be with adverts, influencers and people in your life telling you about their diet. Everyone will have the answer. This new medication, plan, supplement is the real thing. Let me save you a lot of trouble, it’s all crap. It’s the same thing repackaged and trying to convince you it is the answer to all your problems. Diets don’t work. Deep down we all know that. The vast majority of people regain anything shed via intentional weight loss. In fact, most of us add a bit extra too. What’s more, making your body smaller doesn’t fix anything inside you. It’s not a magic wand. In case you don’t hear it anywhere else, I’m going to say it; your worth is not tied to your weight.

You can live your life right now. Shrinking your body is not required. You do not have to for indulging over the festive season. Nor do you have to put anything on hold until you are smaller. Health and weight loss are not the same thing.

In short, you are enough. I hope you feel that and take it into 2025.

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