I had to say goodbye to Bronan on Monday. We found out he had hyperthyroidism a few weeks ago. Shortly after I noticed changes in Bronan that led us back to vet. We discovered fluid in his stomach and that his kidneys were in trouble. Bronan had lymphoma. At 19 with diabetes & hyperthyroidism surgery or radiation were not option. The vet gave him injections to relieve symptoms, but told me he didn’t have long. I got another 11 days with him. He stopped eating or drinking at the weekend and it was clear that prolonging his life would be for my benefit rather than his. I’m heartbroken. My home feels so empty without him.

I adopted him from a friend. A change in her circumstances hadn’t agreed with him. She had him & his sister, but he didn’t always love sharing with her. He was home the moment he stepped out of his carrier. He thrived having his domain and me to himself. Always his own man, he came for cuddles when he wanted, wandered his territory as he pleased and demanded my attention as he saw fit. Be that insisting on having breakfast at 6am every day or waking me in the middle of the night because he required a chin rub. He’s had me at his beck & call from the first and I have loved every second of it.

We had a perfect bond. He fit into my life seamlessly. Our personalities matched. A little bit fierce, with a soft belly beneath. He guarded his space fearlessly, no cat, dog or fox was permitted in his garden. He saved his greatest vexation for the Magpies. A foe he hated so much they had their own annoyed meow. Yet, he didn’t kill. Nor did he turn his frustration on people. He never bit or scratched, always gentle for such a big boy. Always easy. He’d appear from a hedge or behind a sofa when I called. He cared not a jot about the twice daily insulin injections he needed in the last few years. My boy charmed everyone who met him. With his handsome face and gentle giant ways. He even learned to love kids. Once wary, he made friends with my little ones. Becoming best of friends with one of nieces, who wanted to visit purely to see him.

Bronan embodies so many of the things I love about cats. He lived on his own terms. Doing exactly as he pleased; bending me to his will. He was independent, lacked patience, had no respect for personal space or any rules I tried to enforce. He could say fuck you with the tiniest narrowing of his eyes. All of which made his choice to love me more satisfying. He didn’t blindly obey or love me unconditionally. He cared for me because he wanted to. I earned his trust & respect. It was a privilege to have it.

More than anything he was part of my healing. He came to me near the beginning of a journey. Joined me in this house that has become a real home. He’s been my companion when I couldn’t bear to see another living being. Somehow he understood me. When my pain is too much he’d let me off easy. He’d lie quietly with me, requiring nothing, soothing me with his purrs. When my mind was troubled, he knew and responded with affection. My boy has aided in the making of huge decisions just by his presence in my life. He has eased my heart when it was shattered by loss. Listened to my tears, singing and the thoughts I only voiced to him.

Bronan is a dream and I will miss him more than I can say. I’ll miss him sleeping on my feet, keeping them warm. I’ll miss the taps on my face when his meows don’t wake me. The sound of his steps on the wooden floor, the way he announces himself with a shout when he comes in his cat flap. I’ll miss being the only person allowed to rub his fluffy belly. I will miss giving him a running commentary of the day and the way he looks over his shoulder to check I am following when he leads me to what he wants. I’ll miss stroking his paws. The tiny white spot above his lip. His snores. The way he crunches & snorts when he eats. I’ll miss him. His attitude, his spirit, his love. All of him.