spoonie

My week (ish) in pictures…

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To be honest it’s more like a month in pictures as I have spent a lot of time in bed the last few weeks. Hey ho, I have still managed to wear some cute looks, have a bit of fun & snap interesting things. 

I made it out one weekend to Yellow Movement Sunday. It’s a monthly gig featuring local talent. This month’s included Scottish hip hop & reggae from Skaledonia, Busker Rhymes & Umbungo Nambarie. The event  was raising funds for Suicide Prevention, which I was very happy to support. Check out their Facebook for next month’s line up. 


I’ve rocked some smashing nail art  & debuted new accessories. I caught a few sun rises, including this corker. There have been even more pills to take & moustache experimentation.



My neice, Athena, clued me in on zombie eyes, shopkins, how pesky her Dad is & much much more. Our facetimes are always a highlight of my week. I haven’t been able to see much of baby Kevin as I didn’t want to make him sick. He loves my dangly light shade & I love this picture of him playing with it. 

Work took me to the Ibis Style in Glasgow. I took the toyboy along to make it more fun & he didn’t disappoint. We nipped out for a yummy bento box & then just chilled in the big comfy bed. He also did a little hiding behind the curtains because that’s what toy boys do. It’s a cool hotel with a strong Glasgow theme, which I think tourists would love. The most important parts of any hotel for me are good bathroom & breakfast. Ibis gets a big tick for both. 


There has also been a lot of staying home in jammies, Sundays in bed, cosy comfy outfits & snuggles with Bronan. Oh, I also met a puppy & project post it is still going strong. 


Hope you’ve all survived January. It has certainly been eventful on a global scale. Fingers crossed for a reduction in crazy next month. 

I should be so lucky…

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My annual Xmas illness  has reared it’s head. This time it’s a chest infection, but I caught it early & am hoping to get off lightly.  In my search for a silver lining I have come up with the fact that my affliction allows me to stay home & enjoy the festive no man’s land. 

Cosy jammies, Christmas specials on the tv & non stop snacking instead of real meals works for me. Add to that being able to admire all my lovely presents & you have a happy (if coughy) ly. As is my blogger duty, I will now share these delights with all of you. 

My sister gives good gift. She never fails to charm me on Christmas Day. This year was no different. This handmade necklace & earring set is exactly the kind of thing I love; quirky & cool. She also found these amazing pins that I have been coveting for months. They pretty much sum up my current philosophy. She clever sis knows me so well. 


Jennifer Lemon Designs 


Hand over your fairy cakes. 

Next to hit the Xmas home run is my dear old mum. This year she almost single handedly restocked my winter wardrobe. Displaying her flawless style with these picks. 

I can’t get enough velvet. I am buying up as much as possible whilst it’s on trend, so that I can wear it for evermore. This crushed velvet skater was the perfect Xmas day dress. All it needed was a little sparkle provided by my gold high tops (a gift from the mother last winter). She also came up trumps with a 90’s inspired slip, faux fur cardi coat & floral blazer. 


Pink Clove, Marks & Pencers, Joanna Hope. 

She also utilised her crafty skills to make me these adorable cushions.

My favourite,(ok, only) brother in law came up trumps again this year with this shiniest of shiny Kiko lipgloss & cheery notebook with thick, crisp paper. The toy boy rather originally opted for creepy death chocolate plus a rainbow array of incense. Both of which are entirely vegan & fetching. The lovely Lisa surprised me a goddamned perfect mirror for my handbag & books aplenty found their way to me. 

I have also been lucky enough to have received an obligibly fat envelope, delicious meals, fizzy cocktails, amazing company & a number of other things not easily photographed. I am, as my niece would put it, a lucky duck. 


And, so, I am thankful & hope that you are similarly blessed. QUACK. 

There’s nobody else here, no one like me…

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I’m about to get a bit happy clappy, so if that gets your goat (I hear you), skip this one.

I know it’s been disaster movie of a year. There are truly despicable things happening all over the globe. So, I feel quite guilty about this, but 2016 has been my personal best for a very long time. Selfish or not I want to acknowledge my successes. Queue the happy bit. 

This year I have been comparatively sane. I’m not cured and of course there are bad times, but I have felt psychologically healthier & happier than I’ve been in several years. I’m pretty confident that I’m finally taking the right medication. Meds aren’t magic beans, but the right combination has given me much more solid ground to build on. I’ve been able to push myself, expanding  my social & professional lives in the process. 

Now, here comes the big one, I have not purposely hurt myself in well over a year. Again, I’m not recovered, I suspect the urge will always be with me. The difference for me has been releasing there are things I want more than blood. I’m not going to bullshit anyone, it’s a grind; it’s a battle I decide to fight every day. This is a war that’s been raging for 17 years, but I’m stating to believe I will emerge the conquerer. 

Next up; gettting all proud of myself & shamelessly blowing my own trumpet. 2016 has been a professional triumph. My writing has featured in publications I have long admired. My blog hits have soared & more importantly I produced more work of value than ever before. I am proud to be writing about issues that need to be talked about & creating work that readers really connect with. 

This year I also took a leap of faith & extended my wee empire to include oPeration BoPo. I wanted a thing that didn’t exist locally & so, I just went ahead & made it happen. My first event was an amazing success. I believe there is a need for accessible body positive projects & I am determined to meet it. I have some exciting things in the work for 2017. Get ready to join the self love revolution. 

This year I have gained a confidence that I feared was gone for good. I took charge. I had some big scale health issues & disappointing discoveries, but I kept rolling. I let go of yearning to be the girl I was before life got fucked & embraced the woman I am because & inspite of it all. 

This has been a year of seizing what control I can & trying to accept that it will never be the unbridled authority I desire. My body & mind will continue to usurp me. I’ll just have to wrestle them into the best submission I can manage. 

I’ll be honest my life can be brutal. You know what? I can be too. I’m heading into the new year with a 5 year plan, a growing business, my first nude photo shoot under my belt, ovaries that are really trying & the very best people supporting me. 2017, I’m ready for you. 


I hope there were some bright spots for all of you too & that next year brings you all you’re hoping for. 

Fear of the cold…

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I’ve been having a sickie few weeks thanks to a new medication. So, when I woke up on Saturday morning with a calm stomach I put some bright pink lippie on & hit the town. 


I say town, I actually mean I had a bit of lunch & saw a film with my sister. Baby steps, right?

I opted for layers as it’s sooo cold outside. I adore this lace maxi & teamed with a velvet mini it could withstand November in Glasgow. 




Lace Maxi – Forever21

Velvet Mini – Asos Curve

I tried out Zizza’s vegan menu & was impressed. Unfortunately, my stomach wasn’t really ready for all the yum & I’m back on the soup. I’ll definitely return  when my body & I are on more friendly terms. 

I wear t-shirts…

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These days weekends are for wedding shopping. This Saturday that took me to Edinburgh. There was entirely too much trekking around, but also some magic moments. I’d rule it a win. 

I was hoping for a dressy vs sloppy look. I got a little scissor happy on this t shirt as the neck line felt restrictive. I rather liked result. I am fond of contrasts & clashes so I’m pleased with this outfit. 

I was frazzled by the time these photographs were taken which may account for my lean up against a phone book pose. My hair do had also given up by this point & been benched with a bobble. Basically, I’ve looked better; hey ho.


Skirt – Glad Rags

T-Shirt – H&M

Kimono – Primark

Incidentally this skirt is the one I picked up at the Glad Rags fashion show for the insanely cheap price of £3.95. Try not to stampede them in your search for a similar bargain. 


After watching my Sis & I getting out pose on Mum decided to get in on the action. 

Bein’ green….

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I have been lacking in energy lately and so have been very careful about where I use my spoons. However when the words ‘free sushi’ were uttered I was out that door. 

I donned my latest bargainous find, which unfortunately is a bit big. Thus it looks less cute than I had expected. I do love this ensemble, though. I’m hoping the skirt can be taken in to fit well. 


Top – H&M

Cardi – Monsoon

Skirt – Lindy Bop

Now, here’s the weird thing about this get up. The items I’m wearing range from a size 16 to size 22. Which just goes to show that if you take a fancy to something, you should always try it on. 

My outfit wasn’t a complete hit, but my eyeliner was super tip top. 

The mirror has two faces…

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Yesterday I performed a fairly miraculous transformation. I was so impressed with myself that I felt the need to share my handy work. 

I posted the above on Facebook with the caption, left to right & out the door in 40 mins. All of which is true, but there’s so much more I didn’t say. 

What I didn’t mention was how I felt. My head was wobbly yesterday. I am titrating Pregabalin slowly up to recommended dose. This is an issue because every time I up the doseage the side effects come back. Hence, my brain was not that sharp. Along with that my anxiety was troubling me. The thought of going out alone was frightening. I was of course sore; my back & feet are a constant source of pain at the moment. So, basically what I’m saying is the first picture is an accurate representation of how I felt as well as how I looked. 

I worried and procastinated for so long that I only had 40 mins to get ready. I forced myself out the door with the aid of diazepam, earphones & big sunglasses. I still felt exposed. I dreaded anyone talking to me or even getting standing too close. I got lucky with an almost entirely empty bus, but my heart was still pounding as loud as the music in my ears for the entire journey. At every stop I had to force myself not to get off & go home. Every bump in road sent a shudder of pain up my back. I persisted because I’d really like to have a real life. 


I met a dear friend who I feel completely safe with. We had a drinks & I managed to relax to level where I could enjoy myself. The weather was lovely, the company excellent & I passed for an attractive human being. 

I’m smiling in this picture because I was having a lovely time. I was still in pain. I’m always in pain. I say that not for pity, but as a fact. For my one evening’s entertainment I’ll probably require two days of rest. Today I am suffering. 


My point is that invisible illnesses are often attacked as not genuine & the weapon used can be anything sufferers manage to do. 

You can’t be that ill if you can work.

You can’t be so ill if you can go out.

You can’t be in pain if you excerise.

You can’t be depressed if you can put make up on.

And on & on & on.

I’m offering myself as an example. Some days are good, but I never feel ‘normal’. There is always pain & anxiety. There are nightmares & flashbacks & urges to butcher my flesh. There are days when I can’t get out of bed & nights of no sleep at all. It’s shit to have to push & push to accomplish everything. We (spoonies) have no alternative, if we want to build a fulfilling life, we have to fight. Wether we’re fighting to wash some dishes or to have some fun with friends we don’t need judgmental bullshit to add to our burden. 
Your reward for reading me venting my frustrations is the cutest cat in the world.

My week (ish) in pictures…

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When I reviewed my recent pics it seemed that I have been mostly taking selfies, so get ready to see a lot of me. I have also been galavanting to the beach, petting poodles & admiring my city. There have been rough days & some sparkly days. 

Project Post it is still going strong. I have even had some feedback from folks who’ve found them, which is amazing. My patents are getting into the selfie game, I am both amused & proud. I had an incredibly constructive appointment at the Homeopathic Hospital; spoonies if you have access to alternative medicine go for it. 



Aidan got some longed for bawbags. We will be checking out the Merchant City Festival tomorrow. Watch out for that post. We got Bilbob out in the sun & believe me that is no easy feat. Bronan & I watched some Netflix docs in bed and I have been trying to wear more of my plethora of costume jewellery.


Finding the yumiest vegan snacks is my latest quest. My fav so far is Cleo’s peanut butter cups. Finally, my highlight, plenty of gorgeous nibbling time. Athena has now lost all her front teeth & continuous to be hilarious. Baby Kevin is thriving. He is my beautiful Superbaby. 

Penis Envy…

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Continuing with my plan to share some writing from archives I give you this. Something tongue in cheek & a little bit dirty that I wrote many years ago. Have a happy weekend. 
This is perhaps a little crude, but I refuse to believe I am the only person to ever feel this way. Others must have the same longing.

There comes a point in a break up when you know you are going to be ok. You suddenly realise, I can get over this amazing man. It will take time, but I know I’ll get there.
I’m just not sure that I can get over his dick. It’s wonderful; really, truly gorgeous. It is everything I want from a dick.
Big.
Oh, I know, size isn’t supposed to be important, but I like a big dick. Not insanely big, just big enough to cause a little gasp when you first see it.
Perfectly proportioned.
Smooth.
Inviting.
Fuck it, just nice. You get the picture.
I miss it. Of course I miss him, the man attached is more important, but I believe I can move on.
He might not have been the right man, but he certainly has the right penis. I may never meet another one like it. It did all the right things. We’re always being advised to invest in quality. Be it materials, ingredients or equipment. Surely this advice stands for cock. Let’s face it, sex was unlikely to go wrong with that in his pants.
I am sad that I probably won’t ever see it’s full glory again. I feel I should be allowed one last goodbye. Or perhaps, visitation.
Can you get penis access?
Dick alimony?
I realise this may seem shallow, but it brought joy to my life. That cock made me feel great. It hardly seems fair that I should be heart broken and deprived of my favourite pleasure source. I’m really quite upset about this. Some other woman might end up with my dick.
I wonder if I should raise my concerns with him (the man, I don’t talk to the penis) or just hire a lawyer? I could set a precedent.

On the plus side…

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Fatigue is getting the best of me this week. I am out of spoons, but I don’t want to be out of words on this blog. Hence, I wil be sharing some short pieces I have written for other publications. I hope you find them as absorbing as my usual content.

First up a piece on how body shaming & fat stigma makes plus size infertility an even bigger challenge.

Infertility is heart breaking affair for anyone who wants to have a child. With the NHS now reporting that 1 in 7 couples have difficulty conceiving, infertility is more common that we realise. Thankfully many people in UK will be able to access fertility treatment via the NHS. However, some people are not deemed suitable for treatment. One of the groups who may be denied access are those categorised as clinically obese.

Women with a BMI over 30 are routinely refused fertility treatment. Drs advise them lose weight before they can be referred to a specialist. There are a number of issues with this policy and some are tied in with the way society as a whole views fat people. Let’s begin with index used to measure if a person is obese. Body Mass Index (BMI) has been widely discredited. The index has a number of problems including the fact that BMI does not differentiate between muscle & fat. Hence, people who are fit & have healthy body fat can be classified as obese. Another issue is that BMI does not recognise difference in body shape. It is well established that those who carry their weight around the middle (sometimes known as apple shaped) are at much higher risk of health complications than those who carry excess fat around their hips (pear shaped) [1]. Thus women with very different shapes & risk factors can be labelled with the same BMI. Perhaps the biggest failing is that BMI  does not always change with lifestyle alterations. A person may make significant changes to their health without necessarily losing large amounts of weight. Partaking in regular exercise and switching to a balanced (but not calorie focused) diet will have a huge impact on a person’s wellbeing. Sadly, BMI would not recognise these positive changes unless there is also weight loss. This can put women in the position of focusing on how much they weigh rather than how their lifestyle impacts their wellbeing. BMI uses an arbitrary scale to calculate’ health. Since a person’s health can not be determined on their weight alone; it is bound to fail.

Of course, there are also questions to be asked outside the clinical failings of BMI. It is important to note that there is no official policy on women who are under weight. Despite the fact that being ‘too thin’ can have a bigger impact on a woman’s fertility than being ‘too big’. The medical community appear to jump to the conclusion that fat is always bad. A notion that is reflected in society & that causes plus sized women to face wide spread discrimination. It is estimated that half of pregnancies in the UK have obese mothers. Yet studies show that only 5% of admissions to neonatal units and 4% of preterm births could be avoided if all pregnant women had a ‘normal’ BMI at the start of pregnancy [2].The implications is clear, overweight woman are regularly having healthy pregnancies & deliveries. Still the overwhelming message from the medical community is that obese women automatically have  high risk pregnancies.

We must also look at the origins of the BMI scale. It was developed in the 19th century by a Belgian Mathematician. The formula was intended to be used as an easy way to measure populations, not individuals. It was developed for the purposes of statistics not measuring individual health. BMI is not a reliable scientific measure. It is astounding that it is still in use.

The most worrying part of this protocol is that women are often not even referred to a fertility specialist until they capitulate on the weight loss issue. This means that women who have specific medical problems interfering with conception are forced to delay interventions that could solve their problems. The bottom line is that women who are classified as obese get a raw deal. Underlying prejudices seem to be making an already distressing issue much harder of plus size women. Infertility can make women feel powerless and incompetent. When you are fat, those feelings are increased by the prevailing impression that your weight is to blame.

1 Mayo Clinic
2 Public Health England, Maternity obesity and pregnancy outcomes.

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