I imagine if you are interested in what I write that you will by now be aware of the CNN investigation into an online ‘rape academy’. I’m sure we can agree on the abhorrent nature of the site under investigation. Unfortunately the public discourse has not been so unanimous.

The site in question falls under the umbrella term ‘sleep content’. Essentially, this is a porn category that covers touching, filming and/or engaging in sexual activity with a sleeping or unconscious person. The site included 20,000 videos of men drugging & raping their partners. Beyond that the group chats & message boards included hundreds of thousands of posts about procurement & administration drugs to render a person unconscious. Hence, it being dubbed a ‘rape academy’. Visitors to the site were not only consuming the content, but also seeking advice in how to engage in the acts. These enquires were met with many eager to coach them, in detail.

For women, these revelations were not a shock so much as confirmation of what we already know; we are not safe. Don’t get me wrong, it is shocking that men want to engage and/or watch this kind of content. It is repulsive that the site received 62 million views in one month. Further is horrifying that not one man who visited this site (whether they were aware or not of the specific content) thought to contact authorities regarding what they found. Woman have been vocal about the horrors CNN uncovered. Every time something like this is brought to light women express their outrage. We discuss how unsafe we feel. We use these examples to explain how difficult it for us to trust any man when even those who may be considered loving partners turn out to be predators. For us, all men are a threat. There is no way for us to decipher who the ‘good ones’ are. This CNN investigation, the Gisèle Pelicot and Sarah Everard cases perfectly illustrate this point. Men can masquerade as loving partners, hold positions of responsibility and still be exceptionally dangerous. Abusers are often very plausible. Caution is the prudent response for women.

This is especially true when you consider the male response. Predictably, the overriding response is silence. My time line is flooded with women sharing stories, articles and their thoughts related to this investigation. Every woman I know is talking about what CNN uncovered. Meanwhile, our male counterparts in the main, have nothing to say. That silence is significant. It speaks to the fact that men are unaffected by these crimes. They mostly don’t pay much attention to this kind of reporting. These crimes are not a threat to their safety. They also don’t consider them relevant. They aren’t victim or perpetrator, therefore their attention isn’t required. Too many men consider themselves exempt from the conversation. Not being a rapist isn’t enough. Men are uniquely placed to check their peers. Misogynists do not respond to feedback from women. Being corrected, admonished and excluded by friends & colleagues can make a difference. We need men to care enough to act. We can’t put our faith in men who can’t even be relied upon to open their mouths.

The contributions of men who did want to engage on the topic have been dire. Barring a few supportive takes, the men chipping in are doing so to minimise. Oh and of course to blame women. They want to quibble over details,

‘It wasn’t 62 million men, it was 62 million views’.

‘Women view porn too’.

‘They want to be dominated, that’s why 50 shades of grey was so big’.

‘Maybe they wanted to do it’.

Men are not the villains they cry. Female outrage is overblown. None of this is really as bad as it seems. Then comes the personal offence. Men are being demonised. It’s not all men, this narrative is damaging to young men. It makes men angry and not want to be a nice guy anymore. All these men are actually so mad because women made them that way. Plus, they tell us, women lie; poor men live in fear of being accused. We don’t reject them kindly enough. Our standards are too high. We dress too provocatively. We’re sluts. We don’t want to be wives and mothers. It’s all our fault. How dare we refuse to give these men what they want. And on and on and on. Throw in some gross misogyny and that sums up the vocal response from men.

All of which brings me back to where I started. Women don’t feel safe because we aren’t safe. There are supposed loving partners who not only drug & rape the women they share their lives with, but share the abuse online. Millions of men who enjoy watching this abusive content. Hundreds of thousands more who want to learn how to abuse their partners in the same way. Then there’s men willing to loudly defend this behaviour and those who just say nothing at all. Who do we trust? That’s why we say, ALL men. If you’re a man who objects to that statement, I invite you to please do something to change our minds.

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