Love me, love me…

My favourite purveyors of fine spectacles recently celebrated their 7th birthday. They very kindly offered me a frames for $7 deal that I immediately snapped up.

Now obviously I don’t need new glasses, but I wanted some. These heart shaped delights were calling out to live on my face. Of course I obliged and now look how happy we are together.

Glasses – Where Light

I buy all my glasses from Where Light. I adore their kooky frames and excellent prices. If you would some for yourself you can use my code (LHK30)* for 30% discount.

* Affiliate Code

If you’re fond of sand dunes & salty air…

Last week I ran away to the seaside. My sister found a little hotel so close to the beach that when the tide comes in it splashes on your window. It was perfect.

I always feel better by the sea. Staying at The Crusoe was exactly what I needed. It’s a small hotel in Lower Largo. Right on the beach with its own restaurant and bar; the staff are so friendly and facilities are gorgeous. Lower Largo has links to Robinson Cruseo as the birth place of Alexander Selkirk (the basis of the Cruseo story). The hotel has taken its inspiration from seafaring adventures, which made it the ideal place for my pirate obsessed nephew. The staff couldn’t do enough to accommodate us (even giving the little one loads of beach toys). Our stay was a delight.

Lower Largo is a quint little town with really lovely locals. The beach is idyllic, especially when your visit falls mid heatwave. I set up camp on our picnic rug while my sister & her boy ran around digging holes and jumping waves. Being able to step off the beach and straight into out hotel was ideal. There was one flight of stairs to our room, which definitely took me a while to navigate. Thankfully waiting at top was a beautiful room. Filled with the little touches that really make your stay; Tunnocks Teacakes, fancy coffee machine, gorgeous local toiletries and a copy of Robinson Crusoe. With cool seaside decor and excellent shower they ticked all boutique boxes. The star of the show is still undoubtedly the view. Outside your window is miles of sea. You fall asleep listening to the waves lapping against building. For me, that’s bliss.

Dress – Primark
Kimono – Simply Be
Sunglasses – Where Light

We took advantage of our location and also costed Elie. Another pretty seaside town with the most glorious beach. As before the boy and his Mummy had all the beach carry on. Auntie ly participated whilst sat on her bum. I was so relaxed that on one of their trips down to sea I actually fell asleep.

Dress -Simply Be
Sandals – Pillow Slides

I was in need of a break and this trip fit bill. Blue skies, gentle tides and stargazing as night definitely helped my burnout. Who needs to go abroad when heaven is just over an hour away?

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All you need to do darling, is fit in that little dress…

I got an email from photobucket. Actually, I got several that I had ignore because I had more pressing issues. I should have continued pressing because opening the 12th email and clicking that link was a mistake.

Amongst page after page of self harm photos I found pictures of a girl I don’t fully remember. I don’t know why I say a girl, I was a woman. I seem more like a lost girl, though. I look like someone who wants to disappear. I was someone in the process of vanishing. Looking at those photos hurt. It’s painful to see how desperately Ill and unhappy I was. Even more agonising to realise how much the world approves of that version of me. A person who hated themselves so much they wouldn’t eat properly & spilling their blood felt reasonable. But hey, look how I thin I was.

I lost ridiculous amounts of weight in a very short time. I started with what I believed to be a very reasonable calorie restriction. A nice round number that I saw in magazines & tv shows. The weight came off quickly. People around me were pleased. I enjoyed the positive reinforcement. Everything else in my life was a disaster, I liked doing something that everyone was happy about. I also liked my discipline; how strict I could be. I began to relish the hunger pangs and how good I was at ignoring them. When the weight loss slowed I reduced the calories. I limited how many each meal could contain. I couldn’t eat before or after certain times. I filled up on Diet Coke. I had ‘fast’ days and just eat veg days. Rules piled up and weight fell off.

I did this more than once. The weight loss was never maintainable. Each time I started again I believed I would just follow a ‘healthy’ diet. Every attempt at lifestyle change descended into extreme behaviour. The only people who questioned this were the few who’d had their own food issues. I assured them I was ok. This weight loss was good for me. I wasn’t doing anything crazy, in fact I felt so much healthier. I’m sure the believed (or almost did) me because I didn’t think I was lying. I honestly thought the means justified the ends. Being fat was horrible. I was disgusting, I ate too much and it was terrible for me. Having some restraint was improving my body inside and out. I knew I was fudging the details a little, but I really didn’t think I was doing anything dangerous. I did eat. I very rarely threw up. The things left in my diet were all ‘good’ foods. The congratulations rolled in. Besides, I wasn’t even very thin.

I don’t even blame the people who did all the high fiving. They knew I had been unhappy with my bigger body. Those close to me knew how appalling my mental health was. It looked to the outside world like I was doing something good for myself. I seemed more confident, more at peace with my body. Of course we all live in diet culture. Thinner bodies are better. I understand why my weight loss was something to celebrate.

The professionals are another story. They should have known better. I was so very Ill. I was in regular contact with all manner of Drs. My self harm was out of control. I was getting stitched up multiple times a week. The blood loss was wreaking havoc. I had angina attacks, constantly passed out. No sooner was a blood transfusion in than I was working on getting it back out. I had already started to experience the problems that led to pancreatitis. They watched my weight rapidly drop. Climb back up. Then fall off again. Not a single medical professional ever thought to question that. They were the opposite of worried. I was praised. They loved seeing the change on the scale. I was explicitly told how good this shrinking was for me. I didn’t even lie about how I was doing it. I’d joke with nurses about ‘just not eating’. I explained my calorie restrictions and the extent of my diet to Drs. It was all excellent. Keep up the good work. Well, done you!

Even the mental health teams I was working with didn’t raise any alarms. We only ever talked about my weight loss in positive terms. They were glad it was helping my self esteem. There was never any in depth conversation about how I really felt, what I was doing or why. There should have been. They knew my history and my problems. There are so many links between self harm & disordered eating. Control being the most obvious. The triggers for the behaviours can be the same; shame, self hatred, feeling a failure, punishment. They can achieve similar results like a feeling of release or a sense of achievement. My self harm was compulsive and so was the weight loss. I was atoning and deleting the parts of me I despised. The only real difference between the two was how acceptable it was to want to be thin.

As I write this I recognise all the signs of an eating disorder. Yet I cannot accept that diagnosis fits. I can admit I had an unhealthy relationship with food. I know I used extreme methods to lose weight, but disordered eating is as far as I can allow myself to go. Intellectually I know why. I was never dangerously thin. In the midst of it I didn’t ever believe I was thin at all. Those old pictures were shocking because I have no recollection of being as slim as that person. I began my diets fat. Eventually I always returned to fat. That’s why no one ever considered an ED a possibility. It remains why I could never accept the label. For all my learning and activism there is an internalised fat phobia that I’m not sure I will ever shake.

I have compassion for my former self. I am angry at the people who should have helped me. I am happier in my fat body than I ever could have dreamed of in my dieting days. I don’t want to go back. Nor do I want to be smaller. I do however still hold this feeling that I have no right to talk about myself in certain ways. I feel fake. Despite knowing all that I know, I still can’t change the feeling that it wasn’t bad enough for an official title.

That realisation is painful. It hurts to know that nothing has really changed. There are people in the same situation right now. The medical community is still exceptionally fat phobic. If you are fat, disordered eating is encouraged. Prescribed, even. We’re still insisting people fall below a certain BMI before they can be referred for treatment. The fact that Drs are even using BMI is in itself horrendous. People are hurting themselves and the world loves it.

This is why body liberation is essential. It is so much deeper than loving one’s body. Weight stigma is systemic. Built right into the places we are supposed to turn to for help. Fat phobia is in us all. It is insidious and deadly. We all deserve better.

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Last night…

Yesterday I did a thing that I thought I could no longer do. Let me tell you, it felt fucking awesome. For the first time in more than a decade I hit a festival and I am going to tell you all about it.

Trnsmt Festival takes place on Glasgow Green in the centre of my dear home town. Back in my day the Glasgow fest to be at was Gig on the Green. In my youth I saw Feeder, Pulp, the Chilli Peppers, Foo Fighters, Travis and so many more on this big patch of green in the middle of the city. I loved those days of dancing, drinking and screaming out lyrics. Unfortunately, festivals had been added to the list of the things chronic illness made impossible.

Then came Trnsmt with its excellent accesible facilities and my beautiful sister with her VIP tickets. All of a sudden 41yr old, mobility impaired and pain inflicted me is back with the band(s). They put the effort in to make the festival as accessible as possible. With accommodations for hearing & sight impaired customers. Disabled viewing platforms with amazing views, accessible toilets that catered to all needs, free water taps to fill up and no queue sections at bars/vendors. There was an area for guide dogs to relax as well as a cool chill out zone for people who needed it. Blue badge parking & disabled entrance which cut the trek to the action was also available on request. Of course their were first aiders and medical assistance points. The accessible passes were easy to apply for. A quick online form, proof of PIP (if in receipt, passes were available with a short explanation of your needs without evidence) and Blue Badge number for parking were all that was required. Free companion tickets were available via the same process. I was able to enjoy the full festival experience whilst also having all my needs met. I can’t speak for everyone, but the organisers get a big round of applause from me.

Necklace – Topple and Burn
Sunnies – Where Light

As good as the accessibility was I was still grateful to have those VIP bands. The VIP area was a great staging ground for our day. We were able to sit down, eat and plan in comfort. The toilets in this area were also a huge step up from any porto loo. Extra bonus of separate VIP entrance & exit to avoid the crowds. All considered, the ticket prices aren’t that much more, I would definitely recommend. With the sun shining, music in the air and our free Prosecco in hand we headed into a day to remember.

First on our list was Wet Leg; a band my sis was dying to see. I thought I didn’t know them, but turns out they are big on Tik Tok and I already loved a few of their songs. My bestie and I thought they sounded a lot like the Riot Grrrls of our youth, but the kids were still loving them. After a cider on the grass and a lot of help getting back up again we headed to the King Tut’s stage. Comfortably seated on the viewing platform we bopped to CMAT and Self Esteem. Self Esteem was bloody good, definitely added to my Spotify likes. We could see the crowd demographic shifting to our age group as Maximo Park hit the stage for an energetic set. The cider continued to flow as we enjoyed Jimmy Eat world and then headed back to the main stage for the headliner.

The Strokes were superb. Classics mixed with newer stuff. An amusing jam whilst an amp was fixed. Some slightly odd banter and even a nod to Monty Python. I had missed the feeling of partying in a field with thousands of other people more than I knew. Watching the sun go down as your favs blast out songs you love is quite the buzz. I have so many amazing memories set to The Strokes, most of them with my sis and Pam. It was incredible to be making more with them.

The vibe at Trnsmt was just like the old days. Friendly, drunk and pleasantly raucous. I particularly loved all the body liberation on show. Folks of all shapes, sizes, genders and ages rocking whatever they wanted. All looking fabulous and giving zero fucks. I was also chuffed to discover that I haven’t lost all my party girl credentials. I can still guzzle the cider without embarrassing myself. Even better several pints and a tonne of water in, I was still able to go the entire day with visiting a loo. Anyone who has ever been to a festival (or whose every step hurts) knows that is the ultimate skill.

Dress – Simply Be

The day was all the better for being with my sister and best friend. They always help me without making me feel like a horrible burden. Plus of course, they are the fucking best fun ever. Here’s to accessibility and good times!

My week in pictures…

The sun is out and I have a had a nice week. Here is what is have been up to.

I had a lovely time with some of my little ones. Everyone was feeling snuggly this week, so auntie ly got all the cuddles.

ly is cuddling baby twins and a four year old

The wildflowers I have planted have come out in force this year and they make me so happy. I have these beautiful Marguerites at my front door that make me smile every time I leave the house. Bees appear to love them and this week ladybirds were also enjoying my blooms.

Marguerites and pink flower bud surrouned by greenery d

On Thursday I met my very favourite man for drinks and some chat. It was crazy hot in Glasgow so I opted for a super floaty and light outfit. It was nice to be out and having some adult conversation. Much fun was had.

ly is standing with one hand on hip wearing sheer black maxi dress
Dress – Primark
Kimono – Simple Be

Unfortunately my body rebelled and Friday was a festival of pain. It’s looking like a weekend of rest and recovery. I hate that there is always a price to pay, but I still really cherish the days I get to do lovely things.

Black and white cat stretched out asleep on a purple sofa
Bronan approves of the plan to rest.

Nails done…

What do I do when I feel crap all the time? My nails!

Absolutely love this deep red colour. I fell in love with Chanel Rouge Noir many years ago, but now go for the more ethical Barry M vegan polish. I love a bit of negative space on a manicure; it’s an easy way to accomplish a cool effect.

Two hands showing deep red and silver manicure

Last week I fancied some really bright cheery colours. This mani was fitting for Pride month. Unfortunately they didn’t survive long after a trip to the pool. Good whilst it lasted.

Two hands one with rainbow stripesd manicure, the other with rainbow polka dots

Finally, my attempt at impressionist type floral design. I don’t think I quite hit the water lily look, but they are lovely.

And talking of that trip to the pool, it was wonderful. My sister, my bestie and I took the little ones swimming. I am much more mobile in the water. I love being able to chase them and have a proper carry on. This time I was a shark, kraken and an octopus. Much fun was had. Outfit wise I went for cute and comfy. My beloved Pockets and Sedition palazzo pants*, slouchy tee and ‘sorry not sorry’ my old saggy boobs sans underwiring.

Fat white woman with walking stick is wearing palazzo pants and t shirt
Palazzo Pants – Pockets and Sedition
Tee – Primark
Glasses – Where Light

* Brand Ambassador. Not gifted or sponsored.

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Day Tripper…

Life is a bit more of a grind at the moment. My body isn’t giving me the easiest of times and as a result I haven’t been able to get out much. In the last couple of weeks I have managed two excursions and this is what I wore.

Two Fridays ago I took a trip to a fun little farm park called Monty’s with my sis & her boy. The boy loved the place and it was very accessible for Auntie ly too. Loads of places to sit and rest whilst he ran around. Oh & loads of cute farm friends too.

Dress – Asos (very old)
Tights – Snag
Glasses – Where Light

Yesterday I managed a lovely trip over to my bestie’s to have a good carry on with her brood. It felt so good to be out of the house and with people I love. Outfit wise, I went for a super cute jumpsuit. This one is lightweight and loose; perfect for a sore body on a muggy day.

Jumpsuit – Asos
Sports Bra – M&S
Sandals – Pillow Slides

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One hand in my pocket…

Like many any other people I have been trying to cut down on my shopping. We’re all very aware of the impact fast fashion has on the environment. Paired with ethical issues and the fact that I simply have too many clothes it was just logical.

So, my plan was just to resist the urge to buy every cute thing I see and then leave many of them sitting in my spare room. Instead, I have been going through my multiple wardrobes & pulling out all the cool things that don’t see enough light. The things I have been buying have been from small ethical brands. These are of course more expensive, but they are also much more special.

All which brings me to Pockets and Sedition*. A small brand that creates handmade items with pockets! Their fabrics are amazing, they support worthy causes and the fit is perfect. My first order arrived this week and I am ecstatic.

Ly  is wearing blue marble palazzo pants and two different tops,  grey vest with black lace and cherub print strappy
Trousers – Pockets and Sedition
Cherub Top – Pretty Little Thing
Grey Vest – Primark

This marble print is the epic and these delights go with everything. I feel amazing in these palazzo pants. Plus, I can actually fit my essentials in these pockets! I am living the dream.

ly is wearing blue marble print trousers with two different tops, a coral pink crop top and great vest with a shark & the word harmless
Trousers – Pockets and Sedition
Crop Top – Primark
Vest – Primark

I expect I will be wearing these trousers a lot. I also suspect I will be purchasing more from this brand.

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* Brand Ambassador. Not sponsored content.

All the beautiful things…

If you’ve been with me a while you will know that I love original art on my walls. In recent weeks I have hung some magnificent additions.

My living room has gained this beautiful sketch by Robyn Boyle. It’s my nephew and I when he was still tiny. I adore everything about this. It’s so soft and perfectly captures the tenderness I felt. I particularly love that Robyn got the shape of his wee baby skull exactly right. I spent lots of time stroking that tiny head and I love having this permanent reminder.

Pencil sketch of Ly holding her baby nephew in orange &grey tones
Robyn Boyle

My sexy self love wall in the bedroom has also welcomed a new portrait. It is of course my fat and lovely self. This digital sketch is by Abbie Illustrates. I’m in love with the chaos & curves of this one.

Digital portrait of naked fat body
Abbie Illustrates

A drop of golden sun…

If you have been eagerly anticipating the second part of holiday escapades, today is your day. When last I left you I was chugging out of Munich. So, let’s get going on magical Salzburg.

Our trip was a 70th birthday present for my darling Mum. Her favourite film is The Sound of Music. She never tires of Sister Maria and all the Captain’s children. Thus our (& now the grandkid’s) childhoods overflowed with edelweiss & doe a deer. Mum has talked about visiting Salzburg forever, the big 7-0 seemed the perfect opportunity to take her there. Purpose explained it won’t surprise you to discover that we stayed in the hotel where they filmed the movie.

Schloss Leopoldskron

Schloss Leopoldskron was a dream. Everything about the hotel is luxe. The rooms are gorgeous, the views are breathtaking and you have breakfast in a ballroom.

The exact spot Maria & the children fell out of the boat.

The hotel is gated. When you arrive it feels like you have entered a secret world. Wandering around the grounds I grew up watching on screen was so lovely. Sound of Music aside, it is a beautiful place. The grounds sit right on the river, looking out onto the most picturesque mountain scape. The only sounds are the ducks & geese on water. The air feels fresher. It is a wonderful spot for a complete escape from real life.

Breakfast Ballroom
Mirror Ballroom

The hotel (& Salzburg in general) aren’t big on the film connection. It wasn’t a hit in Austria for various reasons & the hotel is keen to focus on its links with Harvard. That doesn’t take anything away from the experience if you are a fan.

Since we are fans we booked The Sound of Music Tour. As it was a special trip we opted for the private tour. It was expensive, but felt it was worth it. The hotel doesn’t grant access to the tours, so if you aren’t staying you can only see the captain’s house locations from across the river. We were very happy to have had access to those spots, but there is still plenty more to see. Our wonderful guide, Alenka knew everything there was to know about the film & the city. She led sings songs on the drive out to the mountain locations & made the experience a total delight.

Mirabel Garten
The gardens the children & Maria sang Doe a Deer
None of us are 16 going on 17
Mondsee
Basilika St Michael, Mondsee
The chapel Maria & The Captain married in.
Wolfgangsee
Ariel shots in opening were filmed here.
The hills are alive with the sound of ly!

All of the locations on the tour were accessible. The group tour is on a coach, which would present accessibility problems. Our hotel had great accessibility; lifts in both buildings, wheelchair accessible entry and adapted bathrooms (on request). On the Covid front I felt pretty safe the entire trip. Masks were mandated indoors and we had to present our vaccine passports to enter any premises.

The final chapter of my holiday saga will be coming soon & it includes a castle.

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