Autumn has always been my favourite season. The drawing in of the nights & cooling of the air used to be welcome. These days this time of year is more complicated.
All of my babies were due in August or September. As the weather changes I am beset with anniversaries and reminders. People who were pregnant with me throw birthday parties. I quietly mark dates I had hoped to celebrate.
This year my orbit is congested with pregnancy announcements creating a perfect storm of emotion. All are depressingly familiar. I’m sad and lost. I don’t know how to find a purpose big enough to fill up my life. Each time I begin to believe I’m approaching acceptance I’m overtaken with this stale grief.
It’s so heavy and I’m so tired of dragging it around. I want to be able to move past this, but there are too many ghosts. A million tiny pricks. Triggers lurk everywhere; always something to yearn for. Even in my happiest moments I’m aware of what’s missing.
I can’t comprehend ever making this ok. Yet, I don’t wan’t to be this tragic old bitch. I’d like to stick all my consolation prizes together & collage myself a happy enough ending. I’m scared I’m not sufficiently good/strong/grateful to make do & mend.
All the last minute tidying is complete. The presents are wrapped, the festive bedsheets are on & the fridge is stocked. My final festive manicure is complete & my outfit is all picked out. All that remains to be done is put my feet up for the evening before the madness begins.
I’m getting very excited about the big day. I’ll be at my sister’s & her little man is so into Xmas this year. I can FaceTime my other wee ones to see them open their pressies. Plus I’m a big kid and I love getting gifts too!
As happy as I am to have friends & family to share the season with, there’s always a hole in my Xmas. Being reminded of all the family fun I’ll never have with my own children is hard. Lots of people who have experienced loss struggle over Christmas. That’s why organisations like Sands & Miscarriage Association are so crucial. Sands work towards reducing still birth and neonatal death. They also provide support for those have lost babies. The Miscarriage Association aim to support those who have suffered miscarriage. They also strive to end the taboo nature of baby loss. Both do essential work with vulnerable people. If you can spare a little, a donation will allow them to continue their essential mission.
However you spend Christmas I hope it will be safe, warm & filled with as much joy as you can muster. If you are missing someone this year I send you love.
Today always creeps up on me. One minute it’s months away & then it’s here. I dread it’s arrival because I know it will unleash emotions that I try to keep chained up. September 12th would have been my child’s birthday.
Today should be all presents & cake & surprises. Instead it’s a wound that never entirely heals. Of course life goes on. I live & there is joy, pride, love, but there is always a tinge of sadness. It hurts to miss the milestones & the everyday moments. The pain can catch me unaware & take my breath away. There are times when every aspect of my life feels wrong because this is not how I’d be living with my precious little one.
It’s such an incredible feeling to know there is life inside you. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I knew immediately that I was pregnant. I knew before my period was late & before I took a test. I felt it. It was scary, unplanned, badly timed, but still so right. I became a mother in an instant & that feeling has never left me.
Yes, it’s painful to remember; it also helps. It’s easier for me to acknowledge today. It’s good to talk out loud about the person who changed my life without having a chance to live his.
If love could have saved you darling, you’d have lived forever.