I’m lost. I’ve spent this year trying to reposition my future & navigate the present. I have tried new things, met new people, considered a million & one possible permutations of the next 30 years. I remain astray.
I’ve always had an ultimate goal to strive for. I had one non negotiable role. Motherhood was at the centre of all my plans. It was a reason to do better and the motivation to persevere. I worked so hard on building a safe, comfortable nest. I fixed all the parts of me that could be corrected. Found a way to accept the parts that couldn’t. I believed I had a purpose. I wanted children powerfully enough to force myself into viability.
When it became clear that it wasn’t going to happen I was destroyed. I knew I’d have to fight hard to create some other life. I was aware it would be painful, but I really did believe I could lay a new path. Life’s been a fucking journey so far, but I somehow eventually arrive at ok. I thought I could do it again. I told myself I needed time to grieve, to heal, to process. Then I decided I must push a little. Or a lot. Get to the next step professionally. Say yes to things that scare me. Date fun people, keep an open mind, pay attention to what makes me feel good. If I keep moving I’ll stumble upon my new direction, right? Wrong.
11 months of forcing myself to breath. Smiling, rascalling, writing, resting, networking, researching, grabbing hold of anything that sparks any kind of anything. Honestly, it is getting harder. There is no deeper meaning to my efforts. I’m proud of work success. I am grateful for all my gorgeous people. I have love and opportunity. My life is mostly in colour. It’s just very hard to keep the grey from seeping in. Even harder to convince myself it adds up to a reason for being.
I’m hollow with zero ideas of what I should be full of. I’m still at the reminding myself of reality stage. Checking myself daily. I don’t need to remember that gorgeous Swedish name because I won’t be naming anyone. Reading that piece on delayed cord cutting is futile. I should get rid of the paint for the spare room. Forget all my child rearing dreams & schemes. Thinking of this stuff only causes pain, but I have nothing to replace it with.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not entirely sure I even know who I am anymore. One day at a time is good and well temporarily. It does not hold up as a long term protocol. When everyone else takes their children home there has to be something that makes my life feel significant. I need a reason. I need more.
The sun is not messing around. This past couple of weeks we have had all the sun all the time. So much so that I’ve basically had to start buying beach wear. I’m not complaining, (well not much, I am too hot & fainty) it is nice to feel sun on my peely wally skin. It won’t tan, but my freckles will go mental.
On Friday I took a wee drive to Balloch National Park with my Sister, Dad & baby nephew. It was proper hot (26 degrees, in Scotland this is a heat wave), so I opted for my super summer dress. It’s light & bright and I love it. I picked it up on a whim whilst buying broccoli & cat food in tesco. I also ended up buying 3 nail polishes & flamingo pen, which is exactly why I need to do my food shopping online.
Anyway, we had a lovely walk & lunch by Loch Lomond. My dress kept me fresh & funky throughout. I think my yellow kick is over because lately everything that catches my eye is orange. I’m juicy, so it suits me.
Dress – Florence & Fred (Tesco)
Kimono – Asos Curve
Sandals – Hotter
Unfortunately I didn’t realise you could see my black knickers until I looked at these pictures. Hey ho, I’ll wear orange pants next time.
Oh & yes that is a Pro Choice badge. On Friday Ireland voted to repeal the 8th & I could not be happier. Another stride for women’s (& everyone with a uterus) rights facilitated by courageous women who would not give up.
The weeks seem to be flying in, but no matter how many go by it is still winter. I feel like spring will never come. Anyway, the weather freezing weather keeps on, so there is less excitement to share. Nevertheless, I thought I’d give you a peek at my highlight reel.
The Toyboy put on a charity punk vs funk gig to support medical aid in Palestine. I wouldn’t have said that either genre was really my thing, but I actually really enjoyed some of he bands. Dopesickfly & Velveteen Riot being my favourites. I recommend you check them out. The night was a raging success, thanks I’m sure in no small part to my incredible purple lippie.
There have been the usual mix of clinic appointments & nights on the sofa. All that time hiding from the cold has given me plenty of opportunity to do my nails & the occasional trips out have been good Project Post it opportunities. Excursions have mostly consisted of eating & cinema. Both are excellent comfort activities. Vegan eating on high street continues to get easier. I am loving this shift because it indicates that veganism continues to rise, but also as it means I can have chocolate cake.
On the movie front I’m giving a thumbs up to 3 billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri & Black Panther. I am also very much in favour of the reclining chairs at Odeon Luxe. Catch up Cineworld, those seats are a dream for my poor spoonie body. The lazy nights in have yielded recommendations for Britannia & Critical. Both take a minute to get into, but persevere; it’s worth it.
The last week or so has been fairly cocktail laden. Birthday drinks for a friend gave me a chance to finally taste a Candy Floss Martini. A thing I have been hankering after & which absolutely lives up to expectations. Get one. Right now. Some high stress nonsense led to homemade strawberry margaritas with a lot of tequila. Admittedly not a great long term solution, but certainly an ideal way to temporarily let off some steam.
I got flowers from my Mum, a card from my man & rocked some damn cute looks. I also captured a few beautiful winter moments. Yes, this season can be stunning, but it’s still too bloody cold!
Oh & the cats in my life continue to be gorgeous.
On Monday night I finally made it out of house. I’ve been having a fairly bad flair and struggled to do anything at all last week. With the pain a bit more manageable & a brand new dress to wear I was excited to step out.
Cinema & sushi night with my sister is an enjoyable, but low impact excursion. It’s perfect for when I’m not feeling tip top. As is this t shirt dress. It’s super comfy & cosy whilst also being beautifully cut. The vivid print is just what is needed to chase away the January gloom. In short it’s effortlessly perfect.
Dress – Monki
Shoes – Primark
I also tried out some new slap. Barry M is one of my current make up favs. I’m absolutely loving this range of metallic lip paints & their strobing cream has ousted every other highlighter in my make up bag.
Matte me up in Allure.
Strobe cream in Galactic.
After a week of jammies & greasy hair I felt pretty good. A thorough catch up with my sis & a giant Diet Coke left me feeling much improved.
Incidentally, we saw Darkest Hour. Gary Oldman was great, but the film was only ok. If you know anything of Churchill you probably won’t appreciate this portrayal of him as the ordinary people’s hero. I wouldn’t rush to see it.
I had a fairly lazy weekend until Sunday when I packed in both my own & the toy boy’s family. Well, things also got a little busy when the toy boy came home drink & frisky on Saturday night, but that’s another story.
I had lunch at Mum’s with my bro, sis & nephew. Our little super baby is now on the move, talking & generally being wonderful. He was incredibly amused by mum’s poodles. His own pupper, Ringo, has a lot of chill; Coco & D’artangan do not. An afternoon of chatter & laughter ensued.
Here’s Coco failing in her attempts to push La off the sofa & giving in to her new life as a cushion.
Next up was a birthday dinner for Tb’s sister at his parent’s house. His niece provided cuteness & his family were as sweet as ever.
In between familial visits I squeezed in a wee blog shoot with Lauren. Incidentally, she is looking stunning & you can check out her side of shoot here. I adore this skirt. I had fun dressing it down with a cute tee & the beautiful scarf my bestie gave me for my birthday.
T – Shirt – Glad Rags (thrifted).
Skirt – Lindy Bop
Scarf – Accessorise (Gift)
Shoes – Primark
I may well be the worst fashion blogger in existence. I keep planning & executing the funkiest outfits, which is great. Then I forget to actually photograph them.
This time I did remember, but only at the last minute. By that point both my outfit & my photographer were a little bit worse for wear. That aside I really like this dress. It’s one that has been lurking unworn in my wardrobe because I always forget about it.
Dress – New Look
Shoes – Primark
Belt – Asos Curve
I dusted it off for the Musicians Against Homelessness event at Drygate. It was a fun night for a good cause & I discovered a new band that I really like. Feet of Clay had a charlatans x somber beach boys type vibe that I could definitely get into.
So, cute dress, cool venue & a great cause added up to not a bad Saturday night. Even if the toy boy & his brother did turn up in matching outfits.
Yesterday was my nephew’s christening & first birthday party. I was incredibly honoured to be one of my little superbaby’s godparents & so I wanted to look spiffing.
What does a girl wear when she’s has to say ‘hey, I’ll be a great & good influence on this small life & also aren’t I the coolest the aunt you ever saw’? Well, this
Skirt – Lindy Bop
Vest – Primark
Cardi – Monsoon
Flats – Primark
Pom Poms – Lindy Bop
Pin – Gift
I fell in love with this swing skirt the moment I saw it. Leopards lounging around in bright florals, yes please! Pink is not usually a colour I wear, but i’m glad I stepped out of my box as this outfit was a winner.
We all had a really lovely day. The sun shone & Baby Kevin did not shed one tear during the christening. His party seemed to baffle him at times (especially the giant Minnie & Mickey Mouse). He did however love the ball pool & all the carrying on.
Kevin was born really early & had some complications, so it is especially wonderful to see him thriving & growing & being generally amazing. He’s also already a very thoughtful little man, checkout the lovely gift he got me.