You keep making me ill…

Body Positivity has crept into the public conversation. On the surface it seems body diversity is gaining ground. We see larger models in ad campaigns. The high street is beginning to pay a little more attention to fat customers. Social Media is awash with bopo content. However, if you scratch the surface virulent fat phobia still thrives. Any progress is good, but the dangerous aspects of weight stigma remains strong. Medical bias against fat bodies wreaks havoc. As a chronically ill fat woman I frequently face this issue. In ten years of battling illness and the medical community, I have seen little improvement.

When I began having health issues, I accepted the consensus that was fat was bad and thin was good. I was in the process of some seriously unhealthy dieting when I initially experienced quite serious gastric pain. There were other symptoms, vomiting & difficulty eating, but pain was the standout. I progressed from short bursts to hour long stints of excruciating pain. My GP said it was most likely indigestion and/or heart burn. They could be surprisingly painful, I was told. Change my diet, lose some weight and things will improve. I tightened up my already drastic diet and continued to lose weight. My symptoms did not improve. In fact, they worsened. I began to have prolonged periods of pain. It would last for days at a time, leaving me unable to eat or move or sleep. It felt torturous. By this time, I was being sent to A&E by my GP and attending myself when the pain become unbearable. Drs continued to tell me it was heartburn/indigestion. They all said the same thing, change your diet and lose weight. I was prescribed omeprazole but had no investigation. No one listened when I told then I was hardly eating. No one cared that I was losing lots of weight. All the DR’s were dismissive of my pain. Most were patronising. Some were hostile. No one helped. This continued for over a year. On my penultimate visit to A&E I was in so much pain I could barely talk. I had thrown up so much that I was only bringing up bile & blood. I saw a deeply unpleasant man who vacillated between me being an hysterical woman and being convinced I was an addict seeking drugs. He gave me a cup of peptac (which I promptly threw up) and sent me home. I felt utterly beaten that night. I knew something was very wrong.There was no way I could feel this bad and there not be problem. But no one would listen. I was tired of being judged and looked down upon. I went home and cried.

Luckily, my mum visited me a few hours later. She was shocked when she saw the state I was in and insisted we return to A&E. With someone fighting (& I do mean fighting) fit to advocate for me I was finally taken seriously. A Dr finally ordered the simple blood test that would diagnose me with pancreatitis. By the time those bloods results came back my body had gone into shock. Had I not returned to the hospital that night I would have likely died. I spent 7 days in HDU. I was catheterised. Fed only fluids via drip and given a morphine pump. I don’t even recall that first week in hospital.

Afterwards I discovered that although I didn’t fit the usual profile for pancreatitis (often older men, big meat eaters, heavy drinkers), I did have classic symptoms. The pain I had been describing was textbook. The onset and progression of symptoms was exactly what was to be expected of pancreatitis. Had someone taken a minute to listen to me I could have been diagnosed on my first trip to A&E. I really believe if I hadn’t been a fat woman, that’s probably what would have happened.

I had several more bouts of pancreatitis and a number of gallbladder issues were diagnosed in the subsequent months. Ironically, I was to discover that my weight was not the problem. The most likely culprit was spending my 20’s yo-yo dieting. The fad dieting & resultant weight loss that Dr’s had always encouraged made me ill.

Almost dying because medical professionals wouldn’t look past the size of my belly wasn’t horror enough, I have also since been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. A condition I did not suffer from before all the trouble with my pancreas. Pain specialists have told me that the physical and emotional trauma of such a prolonged period of undiagnosed severe illness is likely to have caused the fibro. So, I not only had to suffer multiple times with acute pancreatitis, I will now deal with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I wonder how different my story would if I were a size 10.

Near death experiences aside, almost every medical interaction I have involves some discussion about my weight. With multiple chronic conditions I am a complicated case. Every new symptom no matter how unconnected involves answering questions and listening to lectures about how fat I am. I must push for investigations & interventions because the first advice is always ‘lose weight’. Often, I must identify possible problems via my own research. You would be shocked at the number of times professionals have dismissed my concerns only for my theory to be confirmed when they finally do the necessary tests. I have my cholesterol, blood sugar and pressure tested an inordinate number of times and am usually met with shock that they all measure within ideal levels. When I tell medical professionals that I do not wish to discuss weight loss, my request is usually ignored. Explaining that I endured years of disordered eating and misery related to trying to reduce my size has no impact. My mental wellbeing seems entirely unimportant. Even when I am brutally honest about the fact the I used to starve myself, purge & use appetite suppressants Dr’s still advise diet plans. When my eating was at its most disordered, I was never dangerously thin. So, I was never considered at risk. The sizest attitude towards eating disorders is a whole safety issue in itself. For the record I am vegan with digestive issues that limit my diet. It would be difficult for me substantially change what I eat even if I was inclined to. All this falls on deaf ears. Weight loss remains a priority for almost every Dr I see. When I have stomach flares and lose weight because I can’t eat, I am congratulated. When I am in hospital unable to stop vomiting nurses will joke, they wish they couldn’t eat for a while. It is relentless and exhausting.

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It really doesn’t have to be this way. Fat does not necessarily mean unhealthy. Even for those who would benefit from lifestyle changes will not be motivated by harsh judgement. The impact on mental health of all this fat shaming is enormous. We know that diets do not work. Most people regain all the weight they lose and more within a year. We also know that yo-yo dieting damages our bodies. Medical weight stigma makes people less inclined to seek medical advice. If you know you will be shamed and belittled and ultimately get no help anyway, you stop asking. This bias against fat patients is dangerous on so many levels. It’s a risk to our mental health, to our physical wellbeing and to our very lives.

* health-and-the-fat-girl.tumblr.com

Just give me a reason…

I’m lost. I’ve spent this year trying to reposition my future & navigate the present. I have tried new things, met new people, considered a million & one possible permutations of the next 30 years. I remain astray.

I’ve always had an ultimate goal to strive for. I had one non negotiable role. Motherhood was at the centre of all my plans. It was a reason to do better and the motivation to persevere. I worked so hard on building a safe, comfortable nest. I fixed all the parts of me that could be corrected. Found a way to accept the parts that couldn’t. I believed I had a purpose. I wanted children powerfully enough to force myself into viability.

When it became clear that it wasn’t going to happen I was destroyed. I knew I’d have to fight hard to create some other life. I was aware it would be painful, but I really did believe I could lay a new path. Life’s been a fucking journey so far, but I somehow eventually arrive at ok. I thought I could do it again. I told myself I needed time to grieve, to heal, to process. Then I decided I must push a little. Or a lot. Get to the next step professionally. Say yes to things that scare me. Date fun people, keep an open mind, pay attention to what makes me feel good. If I keep moving I’ll stumble upon my new direction, right? Wrong.

Happiness ahead in lights

11 months of forcing myself to breath. Smiling, rascalling, writing, resting, networking, researching, grabbing hold of anything that sparks any kind of anything. Honestly, it is getting harder. There is no deeper meaning to my efforts. I’m proud of work success. I am grateful for all my gorgeous people. I have love and opportunity. My life is mostly in colour. It’s just very hard to keep the grey from seeping in. Even harder to convince myself it adds up to a reason for being.

I’m hollow with zero ideas of what I should be full of. I’m still at the reminding myself of reality stage. Checking myself daily. I don’t need to remember that gorgeous Swedish name because I won’t be naming anyone. Reading that piece on delayed cord cutting is futile. I should get rid of the paint for the spare room. Forget all my child rearing dreams & schemes. Thinking of this stuff only causes pain, but I have nothing to replace it with.

Search lights fanning out of darkness

I don’t know what to do. I’m not entirely sure I even know who I am anymore. One day at a time is good and well temporarily. It does not hold up as a long term protocol. When everyone else takes their children home there has to be something that makes my life feel significant. I need a reason. I need more.

The future’s bright, the future’s orange…

The sun is not messing around. This past couple of weeks we have had all the sun all the time. So much so that I’ve basically had to start buying beach wear. I’m not complaining, (well not much, I am too hot & fainty) it is nice to feel sun on my peely wally skin. It won’t tan, but my freckles will go mental.

On Friday I took a wee drive to Balloch National Park with my Sister, Dad & baby nephew. It was proper hot (26 degrees, in Scotland this is a heat wave), so I opted for my super summer dress. It’s light & bright and I love it. I picked it up on a whim whilst buying broccoli & cat food in tesco. I also ended up buying 3 nail polishes & flamingo pen, which is exactly why I need to do my food shopping online.

Anyway, we had a lovely walk & lunch by Loch Lomond. My dress kept me fresh & funky throughout. I think my yellow kick is over because lately everything that catches my eye is orange. I’m juicy, so it suits me.

ly h Kerr

Dress – Florence & Fred (Tesco)

Kimono – Asos Curve

Sandals – Hotter

Unfortunately I didn’t realise you could see my black knickers until I looked at these pictures. Hey ho, I’ll wear orange pants next time.

Loch Lomond, Balloch

Oh & yes that is a Pro Choice badge. On Friday Ireland voted to repeal the 8th & I could not be happier. Another stride for women’s (& everyone with a uterus) rights facilitated by courageous women who would not give up.

Pro Choice badge

A fortnight in pictures…

The weeks seem to be flying in, but no matter how many go by it is still winter. I feel like spring will never come. Anyway, the weather freezing weather keeps on, so there is less excitement to share. Nevertheless, I thought I’d give you a peek at my highlight reel.

The Toyboy put on a charity punk vs funk gig to support medical aid in Palestine. I wouldn’t have said that either genre was really my thing, but I actually really enjoyed some of he bands. Dopesickfly & Velveteen Riot being my favourites. I recommend you check them out. The night was a raging success, thanks I’m sure in no small part to my incredible purple lippie.

ly h Kerr

There have been the usual mix of clinic appointments & nights on the sofa. All that time hiding from the cold has given me plenty of opportunity to do my nails & the occasional trips out have been good Project Post it opportunities. Excursions have mostly consisted of eating & cinema. Both are excellent comfort activities. Vegan eating on high street continues to get easier. I am loving this shift because it indicates that veganism continues to rise, but also as it means I can have chocolate cake.

Nail artProject Post It

On the movie front I’m giving a thumbs up to 3 billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri & Black Panther. I am also very much in favour of the reclining chairs at Odeon Luxe. Catch up Cineworld, those seats are a dream for my poor spoonie body. The lazy nights in have yielded recommendations for Britannia & Critical. Both take a minute to get into, but persevere; it’s worth it.

The last week or so has been fairly cocktail laden. Birthday drinks for a friend gave me a chance to finally taste a Candy Floss Martini. A thing I have been hankering after & which absolutely lives up to expectations. Get one. Right now. Some high stress nonsense led to homemade strawberry margaritas with a lot of tequila. Admittedly not a great long term solution, but certainly an ideal way to temporarily let off some steam.

ly h KerrStrawberry Margarita

I got flowers from my Mum, a card from my man & rocked some damn cute looks. I also captured a few beautiful winter moments. Yes, this season can be stunning, but it’s still too bloody cold!

Upside down standard lamps Project Post It

Project Post It

Blurry sunset

Oh & the cats in my life continue to be gorgeous.

Cute cats

Just a girl in a t-shirt…

On Monday night I finally made it out of house. I’ve been having a fairly bad flair and struggled to do anything at all last week. With the pain a bit more manageable & a brand new dress to wear I was excited to step out.

Cinema & sushi night with my sister is an enjoyable, but low impact excursion. It’s perfect for when I’m not feeling tip top. As is this t shirt dress. It’s super comfy & cosy whilst also being beautifully cut. The vivid print is just what is needed to chase away the January gloom.  In short it’s effortlessly perfect. 


Dress – Monki

Shoes – Primark

I also tried out some new slap. Barry M is one of my current make up favs. I’m absolutely loving this range of metallic lip paints & their strobing cream has ousted every other highlighter in my make up bag. 


Matte me up in Allure.

Strobe cream in Galactic.


After a week of jammies & greasy hair I felt pretty good. A thorough catch up with my sis & a giant Diet Coke left me feeling much improved. 



Incidentally, we saw Darkest Hour. Gary Oldman was great, but the film was only ok. If you know anything of Churchill you probably won’t appreciate this portrayal of him as the ordinary people’s hero. I wouldn’t rush to see it. 

Pleasant valley sunday…

I had a fairly lazy weekend until Sunday when I packed in both my own & the toy boy’s family.  Well, things also got a little busy when the toy boy came home drink & frisky on Saturday night, but that’s another story.

I had lunch at Mum’s with my bro, sis & nephew. Our little super baby is now on the move, talking & generally being wonderful. He was incredibly amused by mum’s poodles. His own pupper, Ringo, has a lot of chill; Coco & D’artangan do not. An afternoon of chatter & laughter ensued.

Here’s Coco failing in her attempts to push La off the sofa & giving in to her new life as a cushion. 


Next up was a birthday dinner for Tb’s sister at his parent’s  house. His niece provided cuteness & his family were as sweet as ever. 

In between familial visits I squeezed in a wee blog shoot with Lauren.  Incidentally, she is looking stunning & you can check out her side of shoot here. I adore this skirt. I had fun dressing it down with a cute tee & the beautiful scarf my bestie gave me for my birthday. 



Pockets!


T – Shirt – Glad Rags (thrifted).

Skirt – Lindy Bop

Scarf – Accessorise (Gift)

Shoes – Primark 

Bright as yellow…

I may well be the worst fashion blogger in existence. I keep planning & executing the funkiest outfits, which is great. Then I forget to actually photograph them.

This time I did remember, but only at the last minute. By that point both my outfit & my photographer were a little bit worse for wear. That aside I really like this dress. It’s one that has been lurking unworn in my wardrobe because I always forget about it.


Dress – New Look

Shoes – Primark

Belt – Asos Curve

I dusted it off for the Musicians Against Homelessness event at Drygate. It was a fun night for a good cause & I discovered a new band that I really like. Feet of Clay had a charlatans x somber beach boys type vibe that I could definitely get into.


So, cute dress, cool venue & a great cause added up to not a bad Saturday night. Even if the toy boy & his brother did turn up in matching outfits.

Happy Birthday To You…

Yesterday was my nephew’s christening & first birthday party. I was incredibly honoured to be one of my little superbaby’s godparents & so I wanted to look spiffing.

What does a girl wear when she’s has to say ‘hey, I’ll be a great & good influence on this small life & also aren’t I the coolest the aunt you ever saw’? Well, this


Skirt – Lindy Bop

Vest – Primark

Cardi – Monsoon

Flats – Primark

Pom Poms – Lindy Bop

Pin – Gift



I fell in love with this swing skirt the moment I saw it. Leopards lounging around in bright florals, yes please! Pink is not usually a colour I wear, but i’m glad I stepped out of my box as this outfit was a winner.

We all had a really lovely day. The sun shone & Baby Kevin did not shed one tear during the christening. His party seemed to baffle him at times (especially the giant Minnie & Mickey Mouse). He did however love the ball pool & all the carrying on.


Kevin was born really early & had some complications, so it is especially wonderful to see him thriving & growing & being generally amazing. He’s also already a very thoughtful little man, checkout the lovely gift he got me.

That girl is strange no question…

It temporarily spring in Glasgow. I say it’s temporary as rain is forecast from 2pm tomorrow until always & forever. Nevertheless it was a beautiful weekend. Unfortunately I missed every second of it because I have been the most nauseous person on the planet. When the sun came out again today, I felt it necessary to capture at least a few blessed rays. Thus despite feeling yuck, I ventured out. 

I’ll be honest though, I didn’t go far. A quick stop at a local park followed by sushi & film was my big adventure. I tried out this new shirt dress & was pleased with both it’s cuteness & comfort. Comfort is a big thing for me at the moment, given that my body has stopped believing in my right to it. 


Dress – Alice & You

The dress was a success, the rest of the night, not so much. The only film showing at the right time was Beauty  & the Beast; it’s shite. Trust me, you don’t need a longer review. Oh & the sushi didn’t even stay in my stomach until the end of the film. You know your film is bad when you’re not even worried about what you’re  missing mid vom. 


I know, my face looks grim in these pics, but look how cute my nails are. 

She’s most accommodating when she’s in her lingerie…

Big boobs need good bras. When you’re an HHcup you just can’t get away with anything but excellent support. If you also prefer lingerie to granny bras your search narrows. If you’d rather not go bankrupt every time you require some new undies, well, the pickings are slight. Hence, my eternal quest for affordable & attractive homes for my breasts. 

I am not averse to indulging in seductively expensive lingerie. I love an exquisite bra. Alas my purse is not as capacious as my brassiere & sometimes a budget must be adhered to. As I mentioned, I struggle to find pretty & supportive undergarments that come in a lower price range. So, when I find a new place to procure such items, I’m delighted. Thus, I was very pleased when the lovely folks at Simply Be invited me to try some pieces from their lingerie lines. 
I opted for these bright lace bras. They come in a two pack in various colours including black & white. I’m a colour girl, so the pink/aqua appealed. I was initially a little dubious about how good quality these would be given their price (£26 for both), but I couldn’t have been more wrong. 


Pretty Secrets, Ella.

These bras offer great support, give my breasts a lovely shape & look super cute whilst being comfortable. The lace detailing is pretty & the wider straps prevent them from digging into my shoulders. This is a near perfect everyday bra. 

Additionally I selected a garment I wouldn’t usually choose; a light control slip. I’m not a fan of control wear in general, mainly because of the discomfort that accompanies wearing them. This one caught my attention for a few reasons. Firstly it was described as light & stretchy, which happily makes it very easy to wear. The fact that it sits under ones bra was another plus as it allows the flexibility of choosing whichever lingerie best suits the occasion. Finally, I have recently purchased a couple of dresses that I adore, but feel a tiny bit self conconscious about my tum in. Flying in the face of my distaste for shapewear, I love this. I wore it with an LBD on Saturday night & forgot that it was on. It did exactly what I wanted it to do, smoothed out the bumps on my stomach that sometimes bother me. The Magisculpt slip is another win. 


WYOB Magisculpt full slip. 

* These items were gifted, but all opinions are genuine.