She put on her party dress…

A couple of weeks my beautiful little Madison turned 2 years old and of course she had a party. It wasn’t only the Birthday girl who needed the perfect party dress; Auntie ly has to hunt one down too.

I found this polka dot delighted in Monki. I’m taken with this colour combo and I always love a tiered skirt.

ly h Kerr, sister & friend holding their toddlers

Dress – Monki

Vest – Primark

Sandals – Next

The little ones had a ball with cake & balloons & bubbles. I snuck a little feminism into my present (yes, I’m that auntie).

Balloons, birthday cake & children at party

I can’t believe how quickly all my little ones are growing up. I don’t know where all the tiny babies went, but it’s just so lovely to watch them all discover the world.

ly wearing green glasses & purple lipstick

Glasses – Where.Light

Lipstick – Nyx

My dress always gave me an opportunity to break out this epic lippy. I think I pulled off the crazy Aunt look pretty well.

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Blue, I love you…

Dear Son,

Today has always been hard, but this year is worse. I always thought I’d give you siblings & they would help remembering you to be less painful. It never occurred to me that I would be reliving your loss over & over again. I hope they’re with you. I wish you were all with me. I’ll always love you.

Love

Mum

Sapling in moonlight

She’s a very kinky girl…

Every now and then I come across a phrase or slogan that perfectly encapsulates an element of my daily experience. Whenever I do I kind of want to wear it emblazoned on my chest. So, this time I did.

Fat women wearing t shirt saying my kink is being called fat by men I reject online

T – Shirt – Custom slogan by Paper Press Ireland.

The reaction to this T- Shirt sums up how common this behaviour is. Several woman enthusiastically complimented it. More men gave me looks. The only man to comment advised me that I was attractive, but I would intimidate men by wearing such a thing. I laughed as I told him I wasn’t looking for man & would never be interested in one who felt intimidated by honesty. I suppose it underlines what I already knew, masculinity is oh so fragile.

In case the meaning is lost, I’ll spell it out. I’m fat. I’m also fucking incredible. I was fat when you sleazed on me. I was fat when I turned you down. I was fat when you tried to insult me & I’m still fat when I mock you. I’m not ashamed. I’m not desperate. I’m not waiting for your approval. Oh & I’m not alone. Fat femmes are not seeking random male approval. We know our worth. We want none of your sub standard attention. In short, don’t poke the magnificent bear.

Ly making silly face

My week in pictures…

I’ve been a bit stuck in the doldrums. Sometimes when my mood takes a dive I can get overwhelmed and struggle to get anything done. To tackle that I decided to make a concentrated effort to take time for myself; focusing on things that release pressure and make me feel good. It has been successful strategy. A treated & rested me has managed to get more on top of things.

I started last week with a wee spa escape. I grabbed my Mum & Sister and embarked upon a relaxing break in a Dundee. Of course we let the Baba crash our girls trip.

We had a lovely time luxuriating in the spa and kicking back in our suite. We checked out the stunning V&A. Indulged in some delicious food and had a tonne of carry on. I’m so glad my family are such loveable maniacs. We always have so much fun together. It was bliss for me to spend so much time with the boy. I love getting to do bedtime, reading him endless stories and hearing him call out my name when he wakes up. Little ones are the best medicine.

Plus size woman posing at v&a

Dress – Monki

Shirt – Boohoo

Tights – Snag Tights

Various v&a Dundee Family snap shotsVarious Dundee

I arrived home midweek and got stuck right into my outstanding ‘to do’ lists. After a few days trundling through housework and editing I was ready for something lighter. Diversion came in the form of the wonderful Strathaven Balloon Festival. I’ve always loved hot air balloons. Unfortunately the rides book out weeks in advance, so I didn’t get a chance to take to the skies. Good times were still had. Someone turned the sun back on for us this weekend and we got a scorcher.

We had a go around the boating pond before a little bouncing.

Baby on bouncy castle

Watched people fall from the sky and got up close with some owls.

Sky diver with open parachute

Did a bit of colouring and then the boy got to try out a mini balloon ride.

Children’s hot air balloon ride

Finally it was time for the star of the show. They were worth the wait. Red hot air balloon in the sky Hot air balloon in riding above trees

I tried to beat the heat with barely there t shirt & the cutest crop top. I still felt like I was a million degrees, but at least I looked pretty cool.

Plus size woman in tent wearing maxi skirt & rainbow crop top

T- Shirt – Pretty Little Thing

Crop top – Wilde Mode *

Skirt – New Look

Sandals – Next

* Brand Ambassador

She’s got some wild…

My need for interesting spectacles is unending. I’ve been feeling a bit shitty of late and decided some new eyewear might cheer me up. I jumped on my favourite site for quirky lenses and was not disappointed.

These beauties definitely put a smile on my face. I have received compliments far & wise. Plus my nephews love them. What more could I want?

Glasses – Where.light

They didn’t solve any problems, but I certainly look adorable in them.

I’m longing for your heartbeat…

Saturday is my due date. Or would have been my due date. I’ve been so scared of its approach because I have so many unresolvable feelings.

I tried not to know my due date. I had asked in previous pregnancies not to be told because I knew the knowledge of the first one haunts me. I got a little too confident after I heard a heartbeat & let the midwife tell me. Then I made the mistake of setting my calendar to that date. Now I can never forget it.

It is sad & overwhelming for all the obvious reasons. I haven’t processed this grief. In that sense Saturday is just like every other day. I’m always thinking about this in some sense. Be it specific memories of the miscarriages or thinking about all the memories I’ll never make. Mostly, I feel lost.

Project post it

I am not entirely sure who I am anymore. I haven’t ever envisioned a life without children. I don’t know what to do now. I have to accept that my future can only ever be not quite enough. Moreover, becoming a mother has been my driving force. It’s the dream that kept me going when I wanted to give up. It was my inspiration to get stable & pushed me to pursue writing.

It’s very frightening to have your reason to fight melt away. It’s even harder to grieve the loss of this baby when it is such a crucial part of my big picture. I don’t know how to let go of that heartbeat.

I’ll be 39 next month and I have not a single clue about how I fill the rest of my life. A huge part of my identity was a mirage. I have a new reality. I don’t know how I learn to live in it.

Heartbeat on red background

It’s getting hot in here…

It is hot. Too hot for some of us. Fat bodies have a few trouble spots in these kind of temperatures. This is my guide to keeping cool & comfortable.

Sunblock

I know this is pretty obvious, but it is essential. Remember to reapply often & maybe even up your factor. Also check that your sunscreen protects you from UVA & UVB rays.

Aloe Vera

If you do get a little too much sun, aloe vera is amazing for sunburn. Just pop a leave on the fridge and squeeze the gel inside straight into your skin. It is instantly soothing. Even if you’re not burnt the sun can dry you out & aloe is also an amazing moisturiser.

Beat the Chub Rub

Thunder thighs are glorious, but they don’t half chafe when you slip a sun dress on. I used to rely on bicycle shorts, but I hated having to add another layer. I was delighted to discover Ivy Verdure. It’s a stick that you roll directly onto your thighs and the will glide off each other all day. I’ve thoroughly tested it and it really works. It will last all day. Even when you’re dripping with sweat & on the go for hours it holds up. You can use it to prevent blisters too. Oh & of course it’s vegan.

Talc

Bung some on the soles of your feet to stop your shoes getting gross when you feet are going in bare. A little under big breasts holds off the dreaded boobs sweat.

Ditch the Underwire

Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I cannot cope with underwired bras on this heat. For the last few months I’ve been thanking my stars that I found Wilde Mode comfort tops. They’re super comfortable & supportive. Plus cute as hell. My second bra recommendation for my more well endowed folks are these amazing invisible vests from Primark. They are the slinkiest, loveliest vests I’ve ever worn. They hold my frankly ridiculously saggy tits firmly in place whilst feeling like they aren’t even there.

Spritz Yourself

If you haven’t already, get yourself some cool spray. It’s everywhere from high end brands to the poundshop. Weird as it seems, it really works. Just a little can of water & some magic things that stay cold. Keep it on your handbag & spray on your pulse points for a quick chill down.

Hydrate

This is most likely apparent to all. Just in case, drink water. Lots of it. As much as you can get on your gob. Hydrate, hydrate, hysdrate.

Do You

Last, bit absolutely not least, wear whatever the hell you want. You don’t have to ‘get in shape’ for summer. You don’t have to hide anything. All clothes are for all bodies. Have fun, feel good & wear what you like.