A central part of your mind’s landscape…

Are you respectful? Do you try not to hurt other people’s feelings? How often do you reassure friends that they have done a great job, tell them not to be so hard on themselves? Almost everyone manages these things & more. Most of us know how treat others kindly. We’re all delighted to be our loved one’s cheer leaders. So why do we find it so hard to be in our own corners?

For a long time I thought my negative self talk was a rare thing. I was battling severe mental illness & I assumed the cruel way I addressed myself was justified. I didn’t really speak about that abusive voice in my head outside of therapy. I did CBT, compassionate mind training, EMDR and a variety of other therapy techniques. Regardless, I still talk to myself in a manner that I would not dream of confronting others. Yes, this is part of my mental health problems, but I’m realising it’s also really common.

I am not alone in berating myself. In fact, I think to some degree or another, we all do it. My problem is keeping it under control. I can spiral from ‘that was daft’ to ‘I’m utterly useless’ in a flash. I am aware that haranguing myself in this way is damaging. I know it plays into other aspects of my poor mental health; it lowers my self esteem, leads to second guessing & most dangerously makes me feel like I should punish my incompetence.

Lately, I have noticed a lot of public discussion on this topic. It has become clear that women in particular fall prey to negative self talk. We undermine ourselves. We judge ourselves not good enough. I’m wondering why.

Is it a side effect of our culture? There’s a constant onslaught of just keep grinding messages. Everyone has a side gig. Many women are trying to juggle careers & motherhood. We’re all trying to fulfil multiple roles. All the while being bombarded by media images of perfection. Is this why we fall short in our own estimations?

I’m not superwoman. None of us are. I have learned to cope with lots of aspects of mental & physical illness. This one I cannot seem to conquer. My first thought in the face of almost every problem is ‘this is my fault’. Although not in such polite terms. I can take a part the situation logically and prove that I am not always to blame. Intellectually I can believe that I’m not the cause of every misfortune, but I can’t feel it.

As I’ve said I have received significant psychological intervention. I know all theory behind the skills that are supposed to combat these thoughts. Somehow, I remain immune to the entirety of it. So, I ask you, what do you when that horrid internal voice pipes up? I’m really asking & I am absolutely open to suggestions.

It’s coming on Christmas….

I’m beginning to feel quite festive. Being the superwoman that I am, I finished buying gifts weeks ago. So, now it’s time to turn my attention on myself. Beware, I’m about to get all wanty.

When buying presents this year I wanted to select really personal items & I think I’ve done well. I thought I’d use the same theory on my self & sought out some quirky trinkets. 

  
Klimt bangle – TimeMachineJewelry (Etsy)

Scarf – River Island

Gimme Brow – Benefit

  
Sampler – YesStitchYes (Etsy)

Jumper – Dorothy Perkins

Number 11 by Jonathon Coe

Intergalactic Bath Bomb – Lush
  
Pendant – HomeStudio (Etsy)

Clutch – Forever21

Notebook – JournalLandCompany (Etsy)

Flower Crown – Asos
  
Candle – The Skye Candle Company

They’re Real – Benefit

Trapper Hat – Forever21

Chocolates – Not on the high street.
I’ve gone for a number of things inspired by creatives who make my heart sing. Flung in some winter warmers with a little glamour. Added a pinch of operation pretty tools & garnished with something to make me chuckle. 

What will you be asking Santa for?