The time is now…

I’m lying on my bed with the sun streaming in my window having a lazy morning. I’m planning dinner in my head & pondering what colour to paint my nails, when it happens. A vivid flashback, of a day like this, but 16yrs ago. 

  
Like today I am resting on my bed observing the sunny world outside. Unlike today, back then I had a life growing inside me. I can smell the incense I used to burn in the flat & see the steeple of the church at the the end of the street. I feel the warmth on my face, the ache in my back & the love pounding through my veins. 

As fast as it strikes, it wanes. Part of me wants to cling to those sensations, the rest still finds these memories tender. I’ve been having these flashes a lot lately. They’re not new to me; I’ve been living with PTSD for a long time. This wasn’t a bad one, but it still leaves me feeling sadder than I did before. I’ve been thinking about why these bolts into the past have become so frequent of late & I think I know the answer.

For the first time in a very long time I am making baby plans. I have always wanted to be a Mummy. The loss only increased that desire. For years I’ve watched friends & family create beautiful little people. It’s never been the right time for me. Well, I’m 35 now and life never really gets any simpler. There is no right time. There will never be a perfect set of circumstances. So, the time is now. 

  
Or the time for planning is now. I’m getting my self and my life in shape for baba. It’s a little scary, but I don’t have any doubts. My life will never feel complete without children. It’s going to be a long campaign, but Operation Baby is go. 

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3 thoughts on “The time is now…

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss, but it is wonderful that you are taking the steps to start a family again. I’m in a similar situation where at 34 and 36, we desperately want to start plans for a family, and are seeing what we can do to make things align. London is expensive but it is where our work is, but slowly, slowly, slowly we’re moving closer to where we need to be. I wish you nothing but good luck and happiness. ❤ xox

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  2. ❤ ❤ ❤ yay for Operation Baby! (also, man that pic makes me kinda angry – no pregnant lady's belly looks that "perfect" – why do they have to photoshop everything?!??!)

    Like

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