PTSD is a persistent foe. You can make progress & start to think maybe, just maybe you can actually defeat this bastard, but it knows you think that.
It’s waiting for you to relax your hyper vigilence. The moment you begin to let go of the breath you’ve been holding for 17yrs it will suck it in & grow.
Folks in your life see you gaining strength & think you’re better. There is no ‘better’. There is managing ,
trying to live,
daring to live?
The good days can start to stack up. You can feel a safe distance from the horror, but you can never be sure.
You can never be certain that a flashback won’t stun you like lightening.
And stuck in that hot, white memory you could loosen your grip on the here & now.
The relative calm & safety could be shattered. Perhaps only for that instant. You could be lucky, those smells & fears could melt away. Current achievements or delights may well wash over you. It’s possible. That happens.
You’ll make plans & take steps. But you’ll always be looking over your shoulder. The knowledge of the cruelty of your own mind will keep you rigid.
Because lightening does strike twice & thrice & ever & on.
With every thump of your heart you know you’re only one more squeeze from disaster. Where little sleep becomes none. The crazy creeps out from behind all those positive walls, it brings terror & tsunamis of grief.
And the pills don’t work
Or the life jacket you had to make with your bare hands.
There is only one way to row to shore & it’s brutal. It’s hot blood dripping from your fingers; slippy yellow fat & an uncontrollable urge to cut a little deeper.
Bleed a little more
Wrapping up the unthinkable pain in the easy hurt of butchering yourself.
This illness is being awake in the night & writing so you won’t do. It’s ignoring the destructive comfort because you so desperately want this new, real life.
And, yes, all those yous should be I’s.
It’s my past, my pain, my ongoing battle for a future.